Married Christian Women -- I need your advice please.?

Question

I know for a fact that my husband has had an affair in the past. He admitted this to me, we went to counseling and worked things out. Today, I found text messages from the same woman's number on his cell phone, saying things like "I miss you" and "When can you come over?" I called her and she told me that she was under the impression that we were getting divorced and that my husband was making plans to move in with her. He, of course, says that its not true ... that she started texting him and he had not responded.

I want to believe my husband and to uphold my marriage vows, but I don't want to be a doormat either. We just lost a child a little over a month ago and he has pulled away alot since then. I just don't know if I can believe what he says.

Do you have any advice for me? And if you can't offer advice, will you at least offer prayers?

Answer 1

Drive you husband to a lawyer for him to obtain a restraining order against the other woman as according to him she is harassing him. See how he responds.

Answer 2

From a therapist's point of view the answer is all about "transparency." If a cheating spouse is willing to call the other woman with you on the other end of the line and tell her that she has completely misunderstood his intentions, that is a great start. Then if he consistently tells you where he will be, when he will come back, show up when he says and answer all your questions, you have a pretty good idea that he is being honest. If a spouse becomes a secret-keeper, that is the surest indicator that the problem still exists. Sometimes spouses get a little defensive; the loss of your baby, the frustration of never feeling trusted, the need for a little privacy can cause some defensive behavior that is understandable. If you explain in a kind and loving way that you are just trying to make the marriage work and that transparency will help you rebuild your relationship, this allows the spouse to calm down and open up. If you can't get transparency, you should be concerned.

This counsel is generic, but the concepts are consistently true. When a cheating spouse gives his/her spouse access to email, cell phone records, always reports if he/she ever has contact (hopefully accidently) with past relationship individual, answers questions, trust rebuilds with surprising speed. Then both spouses can relax and enjoy each other much sooner.
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Answer 3

I'm not a Christian, but I've offered thoughts and prayers for you.

As far as what to do, I might consider getting the wise counsel of a pastor, or the pastor's wife, if she is a woman that you can trust. Perhaps you could all meet together to discuss these things.

As far as contacting the woman who sent the text messages, it is unlikely that she is a person you can trust to tell you the truth. If she is still interested in your husband, she might tell you anything to cause you and him to break up. She might still be hanging onto the hope that he will leave you. Your husband may be telling you the truth.

Having lost a child so recently, it stands to reason that your husband is acing strangely. Men do not have the resources to deal with grief that women typically do. With this wound so fresh, both of you might benefit from some sort of grief counseling.

Death is tragic, but if it is handled well, and together, it needn't be a wedge in your relationship, but rather something that could bond you closer having gone through it.

Find people who can offer wise counsel and work through these things. If, at some point, you find that you are simply unable to trust your husband, then perhaps it is time to recognize that you never really had something that could stand the trials of a marriage in the first place. If you must separate, it's best to do so without anger. Simply realize that what you had couldn't have worked because you aren't compatible. Remember though, that you shared some beautiful things together, and that the love that you felt is still real. I think it's probably too early to decide that right now though.

Answer 4

He can't file single and head of household at the same time... these are two different categories.... he would have had to file SINGLE if there are no children and he could NOT have used you as a dependent on his return... If you left at the end of December 06 and these taxes you speak of are for the year 2006, then you were married the entire year and that refund would be joint marital property not just his... although he would have gotten a much larger refund if he could have claimed YOU as a dependent... you won't find out if he did that UNLESS you file a return stating you are MARRIED and use his income and social security number then send a note along with it that states he and you were separated in 2007 and that he wouldn't sign your return... once the IRS gets your return, and it is put into their computer, it will FLAG as having a duplicate already on file with your husband's SS#..... Once this happens, the IRS will send BOTH of you a letter stating that there was a problem and you must fix it BOTH of you... All YOU would have to do at that point would be to CALL the IRS stating that YOUR return was the correct one (hope you have a copy of his W-2's in your possession....a copy could easily be gotten by calling the payroll department where he works and stating you need a new copy to re-do the taxes... you can only do this if you are not yet divorced. If he still refuses to fix his return, the IRS will be notifying him of an upcoming AUDIT... (now there's a word that puts fear into everyone's hearts).... and then he will have to show why he BELIEVES he should be able to file his return in the manner in which he did... BUT, you wwere with him till almost the entire year of 2006 so you would be in the right....

Answer 5

First, make sure you have the means to make it on your own. A good job, or if you are a stay at home wife, make sure you have stashed a good amount of money to get started with.

If not, and you decide to go back to the counselor, you'll have some time to get going on saving up a good amount of money in a PRIVATE (unknown to anyone else) stash. Every wife should do this, starting on Day 1 of her marriage.

You are never going to be able to know for sure whether your husband is telling the truth or not - now about all you can do is either wait a little longer and see what happens, or decide it's time to just move on with your life.

You DO have the right to be in a good marriage, in which both people love and respect each other and put each other first before themselves.

You have already done so much to try to save your marriage, but sometimes there comes a point when it's just not going to be saved - only you will know when that point is reached.

God does not want us to remain in unhappy, adulterous marriages, that is not the goal of marriage as God laid it out in the bible, and it's a horrible way to live.

An adulterous marriage is neither a Christian marriage nor is it a sin to end to such a hurtful situation and move on with your life and find your true mate.

So it's up to you to decide to believe your husband or not, and if so then give it another good try and see how it goes. If you decide not to, then you have to make sure that you have your foundation in place to be able to take care of yourself and any other children you might have - someplace to live, an income and also a stash of back-up cash that no one else has access to for getting by until you have your feet on the ground.

In any case, you do deserve to have a loving, caring, compassionate, respectful marriage with someone who truly loves you with all their heart and would never think about doing something that would hurt you.

A man who truly loves you would rather poke his own eye out than cause you an ounce of pain. And of course this is how you will feel too if you really love someone. So don't settle for less.

Answer 6

Continue in the counseling first of all & she could have been lying. If she is bitter about being dumped, she could have done it on purpose & lied when you called.

I'm not saying he is innocent, just be aware that sometimes things are not always what they appear & he is your mate.

Make sure you talk to him in a neutral place, like going somewhere for the weekend. This way there is no feeling of advantage in where you are & it is harder to run away from the topic if the two of you are away for the weekend.

Instead of starting a sentence with you never or you always do..... try I feel........ Remove the wording that attacks & causes him to put up defenses & walls. Most men have a problem talking from the heart when they feel they are already condemned.

Again, Christian counseling is a biggie!!

Answer 7

I'm so sorry that you lost the baby. This must be a very difficult time for you.

Although your husband has cheated on you, it sounds like your husband has admitted when he's been unfaithful. So, I'll give him credit for that bit of integrity. Is there any chance that this woman just doesn't want to let go because she is emotionally involved.

If he is serious that he's no longer involved with her...Is he willing to give up his cell phone number and keep it unlisted from her? I don't know what type of contract he has on his cell phone, but it may be a way to stop the relationship if it's just a case that she is the only one trying to continue the relationship.

Answer 8

I am so sorry for your loss. And I am sorry for your current situation. It is so easy for us to offer advise. But you must remember that advise you get here is from those who do not know you or your husband. Please take it with a grain of salt and weigh it prayerfully.
My first impression was to suggest you dump this guy like yesterday's dishwater. But what if he's telling the truth?
And yet, what if the other woman was telling the truth? I know these are the very questions you are asking yourself tonight and I am sorry.
Do you have other children? You said he has pulled away a lot.
May I ask if he has been supportive of you since you lost your child? Has he been compassionate and gentle with you? Has he wept and prayed with you and shared your grief?
If not I would seriously evaluate his commitment to you. It may be time to start over, just you and God. You have to do what you feel in God and what is best for you. Not always easy. But you owe it to yourself to seek His will and allow Him to lead you.

Answer 9

I went through this about a year ago when I found out my husband was toying with the idea of pursuing someone who had been pursuing him. I just prayed my heart out and asked God for guidance and strength. He gave me visions of where to find him, what to do and what was going to happen. I know he doesn't work the same in anyone, so just wait till he speaks to you. Ask God who is being honest, this lady or your husband. You must stick to your wedding vows, as hard as this is, your reward is in heaven not here on earth. That was very hard fo rme but I jst kept telling myself that this life is only temporary and my reawrd will come when I know I upheld a promise to my spouse AND GOD, which by the way is way more important. I know your heart is hurt and it seems like it is never going to be right, but it will. I chose to stay and we just celebrated our 10th anniversary, even though we are still very young, 27&28. I love him to pieces, it still hurts when I think about it but I know the hurt will slowly fade away. Remember, through HIM all things are possible. We also went to a marraige retreat from "A weekend to Remember" that really helped alot. One of the couples speaking had lost a son and it was a hard decision to stay together, so they have a strong testimony. Google it if you think you might be interested, it is relatively inexpensive. I will most definitely pray for you and the wisdom to make to right choices pleasing to God, not the world or the flesh!! God Bless!!!

I am sorry for your loss, heaven got a bit richer that day I believe. If your heart belongs to Jesus you will see your baby again, for eternity to be exact!

Answer 10

I've always thought that cheating in a relationship is a deal breaker. I guess both of you are having rough times, losing a child is something beyond of what I know, I can't even imagine the pain. But that still wouldn't be an excuse to betray someone you love and with whom you took vows, in any case, it should have brought you closer. Both of you should have been there for each other.
It seems you need to talk to him in depth, find out the truth one way or the other, and do what's best for you. To make anybody else happy, you need to be happy first.

Answer 11

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I have also lost a child. The pain is indescribable. I have already prayed for you.

You and your husband will need more counseling. This crisis will bring out the worst in both of you as soon as the grief sets in. If your relationship has not been restored to a level of trust, this could end it. I hope only the best for you.

One last note: Lean on the Lord more fully than you ever have. If you will try to eliminate bitterness, and trust Him completely, He will heal you, I promise. I have been there.