Feel guilt when i look at my son??am i crazy??

Question

I have been married 4 yrs not so happily also heading for divorce and have a 3 yr old son(possibly not hubbys).Hubby and i got married right out of college and ere the perfect couple. But hubby cheated on me our first year of marriage and i had a fling with an ex.bf in retaliation.I got pregnant around this time and we moved to vegas for hubbys job.My son has never had a paternity test done but has the same piercing blue eyes the other man has(hubby and i have bown/hazel) as well as very similar ears/head shape i feel guilt whenever i see my son?Am i crazy could this just be guilt?

I never told anyone about my affair.
P.S Hubby has alchol and gambling problems.

Answer 1

He has a right to know the truth. NO MATTER WHAT!!

Answer 2

I don't think you're crazy, if things add up timewise (you're not basing your fears solely on blue eyes and different ears), then it could be your son is not biologically your husband's.

It's understandable to feel guilty when you look at your son, since he is evidence of your indescretion. That doesn't mean it's okay to allow your guilty feelings in regards to your son to effect the way you act around him.

I personally think your husband has the right to know, particularly since if you are about to go for a divorce, he'd be paying child support for a child fathered by another man (possibly). Considering that he would probably want to continue to love your son as his father, it could be that he would still be okay with supporting him financially (out of love for your son, not you, and wanting to make sure your son is cared for), but he deserves to come to an informed decision.

I take your guilt over the way you look at your son to mean that you accept that what you did was wrong, but I think you should understand, nothing makes it okay to cheat and then lie for years. Your comment that he cheated first, and especially that he has problems with gambling and alcohol (which, by the way, has virtually nothing to do with the matter at hand, although it is acceptable as a reason for friction between the two of you) can be interpreted to mean that you feel like you feel at least somewhat justified in your actions. You made a mistake. It was a mistake LOTS of people make. But you need to own it, 100%.

Answer 3

It doesn't matter. He took on the responsibly of your son when he was born. I would not say any thing. Not for now any way. If you want the divorce to go on then tell him. But I have a feeling the minute you tell him then it will be over and the only father your son has known is going to reject him. Your sons best interest needs to be decided here. And yes I do think it is guilt. I hope this has helped settle your piece of mind a little. Good Luck.

Answer 4

I think you should have your son tested. If you feel unsure about your relationship, do it with out your husbands knowledge. If the child is his no harm no foul if not then it is time to talk. To both men.


Also, I just wanted to add that you can produce a child with blue eyes...true brown is dominant, however we all carry two genes for eye color. We pass on only one, and not always the dominant one, to our children. For example I have green eyes and both my parents have blue eyes. Since green is the most recessive of the three eye colors each of my parents has a blue and a green gene of which I got both green. My kids all have blue eyes like their Dad, which means they all have a blue and a green gene. When they have kids they could pass on either gene. It gets really confusing and I don't know exactly how it all works, but I think that is right!

Answer 5

I think you are feeling guilty about the affair and the fact that this may not be your hubbys son. You got to try to move past the fact that you had an affair. Feeling guilty isn't going to change things.

I would suggest that you have a paternity test done. If the ex is the dad he and your son deserve to know the truth.

Good luck.

Answer 6

it is ok to feel guilt about the affair it was wrong, but it were just the affair I would have said get over it dont tell him. But you have a baby now and you HAVE to tell the truth. If you have anothor child you can test their DNA without the husband knowing but I think it will be better for you if you told, if you dont not feel safe around him (meaning is he abusive) then seeking a cousulor to speak wiht the both out you just dont go on maury good luck honey

Answer 7

your husband deserves to know regardless. you should get a paternity test just to find out for sure. If you are feeling guilty. maybe it isn't your husbands child...then what? well...either way your son will be yours...
and it's probably not my place to say but if your husband has an alchohol problem,maybe your son shouldnt be areound that? you know.
no matter what happens...good luck. but try not to let your guilt get the best of you....just be a good mother to your son. once again good luck! hope everything turns out okay!

Answer 8

It is not fair to your son, husband, or the other man. I don;t mean to sound rude, but nothing justifies an affair, not even if he was unfaithful, you should have just left. Get the test done and over with so everyone can move on!

I can't believe the people that are saying not to tell him, what if this is not his son, does the biological father not have a right to know? Does this boy not deserve to know his real dad? C'mon people, do what is right for this little boy!

Answer 9

Get a test and find out. Especially if you are getting a divorce anyways. If the man is a good dad to the boy just leave it alone. Reguardless you shouldn't feel that way just by looking at your son, he didn't do this. Just love him and let it go or do something.

Answer 10

I'm sure it's natural to have those feelings, but try to not let it get to you. Your son is yours, regardless of the father.

Are you sure you're headed for divorce? Can you work things out? A 2-parent stable home is so much better for your child. My husband and I have been having lots of problems for the past 2 years, but we are in counseling and trying hard to solve our issues for our baby's sake. We don't want to have to deal with split custody and having our poor kids go from one house to another, and having to deal with a new step-mom, or step-dad and other siblings. Too awful to contemplate!

So, we are the grownups, and we will act like grownups and get along and try our best to provide a good home for our kids.

I'm sure you do feel guilt when you look at your son, but try not to let your son, or your husband suffer for it. You made a mistake, but you have to take it on yourself to deal with it and be strong, for your son's sake. Maybe some day, when the time is right, you can tell him.

Does your husband know?

Answer 11

I agree with Misty and Marsha, it's not fair to your son, or your husband to not know the truth. If your husband loves you he can find forgiveness. If this child is not his and it's discovered in a nasty divorce, the results could be devastating to your son and husband. Please come clean two wrongs don't make a right. Better this come from you then a divorce lawyer. Please be honest, it may shock you how forgiving men can be.