am i doing myself more harm?

Question

I was with my fella for 8 years then he suddenly broke up with me saying he didn't love me anymore and he didnt see me in 'that' way. This broke my heart, I later found out that he had been in chat rooms when we was together, flirting with another woman.A few months later he wanted to try again, and i did but couldnt continue cos i didnt trust him, not only cos of the other woman, but that he might just up and leave me again. I still love him but he broke me, damaged my confidence and self worth. In the past month I have been dating a couple of men, and the 1 i am sleeping with - i just want to feel like i am attractive and someone does see me in 'that' way, but my friends think that i am a different person and my morals have gone. I keep trying to tell them that this is helping me gain my strength again, but they think i am hurting myself. I just dont want keep thinking and hurting and crying cos of my ex .....am i going about it the wrong way??? Its been 5 months since he left me

Answer 1

, sounds liek you still in some pain... but pick up and move on... your doing the right thing..

Answer 2

Break ups are hard, and they are especially hard after being with someone for 8 years. I wouldn't expect you to be completely over it in only 5 months.

You said that you are thinking and hurting and crying because of your ex. Do you know what exactly is making you cry? Is that you feel alone? Or you miss him? Or you're angry with yourself because you feel like you were stupid or wasting time? (I am not saying you were - I just know I personally tend to think like that sometimes when a relationship ends.) If you know what it is exactly that is bothering you, you will be better equipped to get over it. If you're lonely, get out with your friends, take a class at a community college; if you miss him think about things you don't miss about him; etc.

Now, the thing with sleeping with the other guy is another issue. I can totally understand how you want to feel desirable to someone at the moment. I think as long as sex with this other guy isn't bothering you on an emotional level, and you aren't misleading him about what the relationship is, there is no harm done. I don't think that means your morals are gone. Sometimes people need each other for different reasons other than falling madly in love. You're an adult. You're entitled. But if sex with this new guy does ultimately make you feel worse about yourself rather than better, then it is time to stop it.

You should take some time out to do what YOU want to do, when you want to do it too. It might help to do something small like going to a movie by yourself that you want to see, or ordering a pizza with the stuff you like on it. Being unattached can be a really great thing sometimes.

Answer 3

You are doing yourself more harm than good!! Number 1, it is easy to feel bad, used, and sorry for yourself when you end a relationship. I would suggest you take your your "rose colored glasses" off where this old relationship is concerned. Once you look at the enrire relationship objectively, you will find that the you are not defined by that relationship. If you look at the relationship with honesty -- not emotionally, you will most likely find it was never a good one for YOU.

Number 2, you should not be in another relationship with anyone, much less 2 others, so quickly. You have to give yourself time to grieve the loss of the old relationship and to heal emotionally or you are apt to choose another loser and being hurt again.

Number 3, I woud suggest you and your girl friends sit down and make a list of all the great things about you until you can truly like yourself and not feel so needy. By that, I mean you don't need a man to "make you feel that way". No one can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your own feelings. So quit mooning over a guy who is in the past and wait until you are happy with yourself before you get involved in another relationship. When you do, you will know more about who you are and what you need in a relationship than being made to "feel t hat way". Good luck!

Dolly

Answer 4

Only you can heal yourself and it takes time. It's been almost a year for me and it's still a process after being with her for 3 years. I've heard it takes like a quarter to half the time you were together to get over them. Don't keep looking for something or someone else to fill the void, you have to fix yourself first to ever feel whole again. That's why so many people are scarred and swear they'll never do "love" again. Get back to doing things you enjoy doing and get back to being the person you know you are and becoming the person you want to become. Great friends can help in this more than any potential romance. Good luck.

Answer 5

well i dont think its a bad idea to move on, that is a good thing. However it sounds like you are using this guy to help boost your self worth. I think that aspect of it is possibly dangerous. Your self-worth should not really be tied up in your sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex. If your ex didnt like you in that way, that is HIM - that is not ALL men. In any case he tried to get back with you didnt he? So you cant be that unattractive/unsexy after all!! (he sounds like a pr*ck to be perfectly honest with you, i wouldnt use him as a barometer for your sex appeal!!)

The reason i would be concerned is because you sound very vulnerable and sensitive at the moment. From your question it sounds as though this NEW man is holding your self worth and esteem in his hands - at the end of the dayhe is just human - what if he turns around and finishes with you - are you gonna go crashing to the ground again? And you might feel even worse knwing that they got sex out of you too.

I would date other men if that was necessary to get over the ex, but i would avoid sleeping with them. Become celibate for a while and date around if need be. ALternatively you could take a break altogether from men and find other ways to boost your self esteem. Good luck hun

Answer 6

Sounds like you need some time with your own thoughts. Are you really happy just having sex with this guy honestly or are you just doing it to make yourself feel wanted. It's not the best way to go about it in my opinion. I think you should have sometime on your own go out with your friends and have a little flirt to build your confidence but dont make any realtionships until you are stable within yourself. I hope you feel better soon

Answer 7

You really need to spend some time with yourself. It's a time to mourn, and by sleeping with others is just doing more harm than good. Your the only one that can over come your loss of self-worth, confidence, etc....Believe me...I know. It's not easy, and at times you'll feel all alone, but remember, as long as you love yourself, and enjoy being with you, you'll never be lonely. Don't expect results over night, it'll take some time, but you'll get back all that you lost!

Answer 8

That depends. Do you *love* the man you are with now; if you feel like he might be the one you love, then I would say be careful but go ahead. However, it sounds to me as if you simply want *someone* to be with, in which case, you shouldn't be doing this. I would recommend finding someone that you trust to talk to, who could help you through this in the right way. Whatever you decide, best wishes.

Answer 9

you've kinda answered your own question. you are suffering from low self-esteem and are having rebound sex. it isn't worthy of you to lower your standards because you have been hurt.

you obviously have a lot of value as a woman - after all, you're talking about three men who have/had interest in you. don't sell yourself short by wasting time with meaningless sex, just to comfort yourself because you are damaging yourself.

if you need a man to help you believe that you have value, then you are in deep trouble, gf...

ever consider just taking a break from relationship drama and investing your energy in more positive pursuits? like your church, your education, your career, your family. take the focus off of yourself and your own needs for a moment and see what you can do to help others. i guarantee it will refresh your heart and your spirit. who knows? you just might meet someone who will see how awesome you are and sweep you off your feet!

Answer 10

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Answer 11

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I know how that feels.
Please realize that it's okay to cry...it's okay to hurt...you need that to make you grow stronger...
I can promise that in time your pain will lessen and then deminish.
You need to cut yourself all ties with him. Let him go...
Move one and work on your confidence and self worth.

Concentrate on things you want to do for yourself now that your on your own...
Surround yourself with positive people and positive friends for support.

Your not alone.
Everything happens for a reason...
Good luck.