Who is right and who is wrong?

Question

My friend and her boyfriend recently got into a fight. I asked her boyfriend what happened and he emailed me:
"We went to the bar, she argued with the doorman, he called her names, I didn't say anything to him, she nagged me about it, I yelled at her for nagging me, she broke up with me. That's the short version."
My friend says the note portrays her negatively. She says the tone is negative, she thinks it insinuates that she started the fight with the doorman, and it calls her a nag. Her boyfriend says he didn't mean any of it rudely, he was just trying to give a short version of the story, and that she should shut up.
So who is right and who is wrong? Is the letter portraying her maliciously or is it just explaining his side of the story? Please give me a vote here- I've listened to them argue about this long enough!

Just adding a couple of details-

1) HE told me they broke up via email, I asked what happened, and this is what he sent me. She saw the email when he checked his email on her computer and left it up on the screen, according to both of them.

2) Yes, it's petty, yes, it's a stupid fight. I simply put it on here to get people to say yea or nay so that I don't have to hear it anymore.

3) From her point of view, the doorman was harrassing her and her friend when her friend didn't have her ID. She stood up for them and he started cussing her out. When she told her boyfriend she was leaving, he screamed at her for getting them in trouble in his favorite bar and flipped out on her. That's simply her side.

4) I think she's less worried about who's right and who's wrong as she is how she was portrayed in the letter. As she sees it, she was in her right and for him to say that was rude and untrue.

Answer 1

both of you are stupid that is a stupid argument

Answer 2

It's not possible to make a reasonable determination who's right and who's wrong yet, because you haven't yet received all (or enough) of the facts. You need to get the girlfriend's part of the story - why she argued with the doorman. I will say, though, that IF the boyfriend, indeed, wrote you an email stating "she argued with the doorman..." without stating what started the argument between her and the doorman - AND he also said "she should shut up," AND he didn't defend her, I can see why she broke up with him. HOWEVER, if he didn't defend her because SHE was intensely unreasonable in arguing with a doorman who was the innocent party, then he should have broken up with her! I mean, I surely wouldn't defend my boyfriend if he was being a jackass, just starting fights with people!

My advise to YOU, though, is stay out of it as much as you can - because IF you side with your friend (even though that's the natural thing to do because she is your friend), and you end up saying something negative about her (presently) ex-boyfriend, she may get back together with him and then hold the negative things you've said about him against you.

Answer 3

Not enough details about what was said to the doorman under what circumstances and conditions.

That being said, it was her decision to fight with the doorman. The doorman who called her names should be fired for acting unprofessional ...He is a haired hand and should NOT speak to customers that way under any and all circumstances. They are like the guards on the Springer Show. Calm and professional under fire is needed.

The fact is that the boyfriend here is within his rights not to get into a fight with the doorman, if he though it could escalate into something dangerous, Maybe he thought it would disffuse naturally. There are some fights not worth entering.

If it had been me, I would have siad " Let's go somewhere else", followed by complaints in writing to o report this the Department of Consumer Affairs and to the police for harassment. That is it in a nutshell.

I think she overreacted in some ways, but had expectations of her knight in shining armor coming to the rescue.

Again without knowing all the details, I'd stick to the baseball game, to a movie, to a dance in a church stetting, to a street fair, to a lecture, to dinner and a walk on the beach or in a mall. Bars bring on nuts of all sorts. Just think about the diffculity the doorman must have each night with already inebriated people coming to him and starting verbal fights. Alcolohl does that.

Maybe you both need time in AA. Not enough details. Does anyone here have a drinking problem. If so, why are they in a relationship until it's cleaned up?.

Answer 4

I suspect that the note to you is a rather accurate account. While she objects to the fact that she's described as a disagreeable nag, it appears to be the truth.

Firstly, we know that she argued with the doorman. That is a given. We also know that she must have spoken to her boyfriend about him not stepping in on her behalf. We also know that they broke up over it when he didn't acquiesce to her complaints. This means that he doesn't lack the courage to address people when they need to be addressed -- which suggests that he wasn't intimidated by the doorman, but rather that he was embarrassed by the actions of the girlfriend. We also know that the girlfriend didn't fight with the doorman on her own behalf and then let the issue die, but that she continued the argument on another level with her boyfriend afterwards. We also know that she is now arguing about whether or not the note to you portrays her accurately.

All of this says that she likely started the fight with the doorman, nagged her boyfriend afterwards and enjoys a good argument.

Answer 5

Well your friend is wrong and so is the boyfriend. First of all the boyfriends should have stood up to for your friend when the doorman at the bat started to call her names. Second of all the friends shouldn't have nagged him about everything and what he didn't do at the bar when the doorman called your friend a name. Well here is another suggestion get them together and sit them down and talk to them and tell them that they need to straighten this out!

Answer 6

If they have broken up already what does it matter.

The lesson I suppose is there is always two sides to the story.

Did you happen to see the movie Crash that was out last year.

If so there is a scene when the wife is being searched and the husband does in her opinion , nothing.

From the woman's point of view she felt violated.

From the husbands point of view he knows how police can be and did not want to escalate the violence.

Had he stepped in and been beaten or arrested things would have gotten worse.

The boy friend in my opinion was right not to get into it with the door man. I have never witnessed anything good come out of that sort of thing.

So hope your friends are well , but rest assured it is not always about picking sides. It is about your friends voices and opinions being heard.

If you listened to both sides that is all that you need do.

Answer 7

Was he at the bar without her and did she try to get in and the doorman did not let her in? You left out a lot of detail. From what you wrote, I feel she was in the wrong. If she instigated an argument with the doorman and was being ruthless then of course the doorman is gonna defend himself. I feel her boyfriend would have stood up for her if it were the doorman who picked a fight with her. Us girls cannot expect our man to stand up for us whenever we maliciously pick fights with other people. He tried to show her she was in the wrong and she was to angry and behaved childishly to accept it.

Answer 8

In my experience no one is 100% right or 100% wrong in any argument. Both sides need to take some responsibility for the disagreement. The email is short and to the point but it does seem to be slanted toward showing the girl in the wrong. I would say this argument is a 50 50 fault. They should apologize to each other kiss and make up. And leave you out of it.

Answer 9

i don't think it's negative. all it said was that they argued. not she started something with the doorman. and plus the bf flat out says i yelled at her so it's not like he's playing innocent. maybe nagging wasn't a great choice of words but i don't think there's anything insulting about the note.

Answer 10

Well, I know this:
it's bad mojo to argue with a doorman. Whether she started it or not, she didn't have the sense or class to leave it alone. Altercations with doormen can get you hurt, humiliated at the least, and get a boyfriend beaten if he tries to intercede.
He should've broken up with her, she's a liability. The boyfriend deserves a woman who isn't likely to drag him into some fiasco just to rescue her because she feels like Superwoman.

Answer 11

Your friend's boyfriend is DEAD wrong. Regardless of who started the argument (your friend or the doorman).. as her boyfriend, he was supposed to defend her. They can argue about her being a ***** in private, however in public, he is supposed to be on her team no matter what.