Justification to End a 10 Year Marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. About four years ago we got into an argument and he literally ran away and hid. Long story short, we ended up back together, but there was a lot of damage done to our finances and to our relationship. We basically lost everything, and had to rebuild from scratch. But....every time we argue...over even the smallest of issue he starts threatening to leave. I think he does this to frighten me. Well it happened again yesterday and I called his bluff. So he's out of my home, and I really don't want him back even though he's already been home begging me to let him come back. I don't think I've ever really been able to forgive him for the incident 4 years ago. Is it me hanging on to an old issue? I don't think so because he makes it an ongoing issue by threatening to leave all the time. Should I have been able to get over that and go on? All opinions welcome.

Thanks to everyone so far. I should have said that I have my own personal counselor, and have asked him to attend a separate marriage counselor. He won't. I did insist that he attend anger mgmt, which he did but slipped back into his old ways 6 months later. I should have also added that he not only threatens to leave, he calls me some pretty shocking things, and threatens to stop me having access to his kids...which he knows would break my heart. I tend to just go quiet and let him rant... and the next day he's sorry...til the next time........

well, communication would be nice...and I am actually good at it...but he wont. No matter how, when, where, I try to talk to him I get the threats that he's leaving. I agree, there are things that we are both doing wrong, but I think I am just too tired of it all to keep trying when I feel like I'm the only one....

I certainly appreciate all the answers so far, and each one has valid points. But...I think I've answered the question for myself. I woke up this morning with a sense of calm and inner peace that I haven't felt in years. While I am more than a bit daunted by the prospect of going it alone, I feel confidant that this is the right time. I don't advocate walking away from a marriage without giving it every effort. And I believe I have done that. I think it's time for me to spread my wings, and I am ready!!! PS: Kangaroos are better spooners than men anyways!!! LOL! See the real loves of my life at the following URL http://www.flickr.com/photos/pattis_place/

Answer 1

have a little rest ( avoid thinking about your issue for awhile )then re-think with more objective point of view
do not fall under pressure of time ( do not take quick decision ) you have right to lead a free-problem life.

Answer 2

No, you shouldn't have to live under this constant threat every time there is a disagreement.
So what is the answer? The answer is that the two of you sit down either with an attorney or with a third party and make an agreement that there will be no more running off under any circumstances. If there is an incident whereby your husband runs off then it becomes an uncontested divorce and you get everything.

On your part there can be no goading him and daring him to leave and reminding him of the time he left four years ago.

You both need to forget the incident from four years ago and get on with your lives. It is kind of like a situation of which came first the chicken or the egg. Do you remind him first or does he threaten first? You said you had to rebuild from scratch. OK is what you have now worth anything or are you willing to throw it away again? The only ones who win in a divorce case are the attorneys.

Answer 3

For me, I can't accepted when our marriage have a problem, then all my husband do is just walk out and avoid to work out the issues. I rather we both let thing cool off and then talk about it. Admitted who fault it is and then apologized to the other. Compromise and respect each other that's what I do in my marriage. Unless, he keeps repeat on doing it again and over again. Then I don't see why I have to waste my time keep on fixing something when the other seems careless about fixing it. In your case, if you do have children then I think you should try to make it work for sake of your children. From what I read. I don't see it is you who cause the problem. No matter what you or he did 4 years ago, but you both decided to got back together , then leave it all behind and move on. But to threaten to leave everytime, then end up comes back and begging you. It seems he not mature enough. I understand you are still hurting fro the incident 4 yrs ago, but you did gave him another chance then don't bring it up all the time also. You stop talk about it, and also let him know don't ever threaten to leave again, because that can't happening over and over again in your marriage. Let him know if next time he leaves or ran way and hid. It gonna be his last to come home. And make sure you mean it, so he won't do it again, because he knows this time the door won't open, and " your heart" not welcome him back either. We can only live once, so live happy. How many of 10 yrs do you have to waste on such...? When there so many good things and good guys out there....

Answer 4

Youre just tired of being stepped on. The first incident is over and I think you have moved on butyour husband hasnt so therefore every fight he threatens to do it again because it works over and over. This give him a sense of power/control over you and your relationship, for which you are really tired of playing the same scene over and over. Youve basically come to the point where enough is enough and definitely time to move on, but from what is the real question. Im afraid hes pushed you to the point where you have become tired of him and not only his games. Chances are that he will continue because once a guy finds a power play that has always worked befoe, theyll stick with it forever. So now are you to the point of being ready to move on without him if necessary and leave the past where it belongs or continue with the game to continue with your marriage. Professional help might change him but I think it would only compound your problems at this point. Your choice. Good luck in whatever you decide

Answer 5

In all seriousness, he made a really bad mistake in running off and destroying what you had. His consistent referral to his act as well as his threats show that he clearly does not understand that his action not only caused a rift, but a serious loss of trust. And there is no way for you to build trust with continual threats of the same thing!
If you want to keep it going, both of you need counseling and he needs to realize that this is a back to the beginning, no trust, separate bank accounts, kind of situation. This would require serious work on his part and a willingness to try on your part.
And counseling. To be able to communicate and for him to learn that running away is not an option for a married man.

I don't know that I would be willing to give him a chance with the constant threats, that shows a serious lack of commitment on his part. You are not holding on to an old issue, it is an issue that has never dropped and should not be dropped until it is truly dealt with . You cant move on until he is willing to recognize that it is still an issue and that he needs to earn your trust again.

Trust is given freely at the beginning of the relationship. At about the 5 year mark there is almost always a test of that trust, and if you make it successfully past things go well for a good while. If you don't make it successfully past, then you will need to deal with what has occurred. and both of you still need to deal with it.

And if he tells you to get over it, then he really doesn't understand you at all. He doesn't deserve your trust if he keeps bringing it back up.
I think I would try counseling, but keep my own accounts.

Answer 6

Your husband reminds me of a character in a Movie I saw!!

There was this nice sweet lady who gets married to a nice teacher. After 2 years and 2 kids, one fine morning the husband decides he wants to be a movie director and leaves his wife and kids. He keeps wandering, loses all his money and comes back sheepishly to his wife! Then he runs off to the Himalayas to find salvation, returns after a year!!! In the meanwhile, the wife does odd jobs, works day in and day out, brings up the children but does not get any other (useless) man in her life - fair enough!!! Finally, the prodigal husband returns...goes back to his job and all is well...only his wife treats him like just one of the kids!!!

You guys have been together for 10 years, and he left 4 years ago. Some (dorky) men have a habit of threatening by not talking, abstinence or just running away. This is a type of escapism and can be called cowardice too.

I do not think your husband has any serious problem...this is just his way to retaliate. But you must tell him plainly that threatening to go away is not the way to be...as the partner it should be your job to tell him what is right.

In a partnership, one partner compliments the other...if he is weak, you be strong; If he is blind, you need to be the eyes and so on.

Just let him do his 'running man' thing...he will be back after he sits somewhere and thinks about it....take it just as a kiddish way for a grownup man to retaliate (I am sure he used to do this to his mom or vice versa)

Answer 7

Honey Chile i know what you going through me and my husband has been though it all that's why i camp out in this marriage/divorce section to see if everyone is going through the same thing I'm going through any who first off i want to say sowwy sis that he putting you through this back and forth roller coaster bulls*** TRUST plays a big issue in ones relationship aren't you just tired of this love hate bull crap one minute he loves u the next he dont smh imma tell you like i tell everyone else PRAY!!! and stay Prayed up beacuse lawd knows marriage is tough and we tend to hold old hoping things will get better , sighs" and im speaking rom the heart because im going through a similar situation Hell im going through almost everything thats being posted up on this dayumm boards shoot is it the asshole season>>>?? lol anyway sometimes we just need a good laugh because in the end only god is gonna have our backs, god bless sis and stay prayed up ....peace

Answer 8

It sounds like this is not one of those situations where you give someone a third chance. If he keeps threatening to leave and this is not what you want to hear then it sounds like you are not enjoying your marriage. It may be time for a new start and a divorce if you are ok with my opinions.

Answer 9

Tell him that he should have been more cautious about what he asks for. Tell him that you are tired of his running away. Tell him that you have never really been able to forgive him for what happened years ago, and it is best that you split.

If you have children, it may be very hard to do this. Another alternative is to seek counseling. That may be the only way you can learn to forgive him. Ten years is a long time.

Answer 10

He seems he has a problem with dealing with any issues and instead of facing them his answer is to threaten to leave....maybe because he doesn't know how to deal with conflict....I think marriage counseling may do some good for the both of you....