what goes around comes around?

Question

my ex was always a good dad very intersted in seeing my son, he still is but now he has a new girl friend and is getting in to alot of trouble, he has a warnt out for his arrest he is injecting steriods and just genrally not a good role morall,
i just said to him that unless he sorts his self out he cant see my son.
he is saying that when my son grows up he will hate me because i kept the two of them apart.
i will have my son think that he does not love him when he does,
i dont know what to do for the best, i would hate for the shoe to b on the other foot and i could not see him.but then i would never do any thing that would cause that

he refuses to have supervised visits and his fmily are not very nice.
because he has this warrent out for him it means that the police could come get him at any time my son would see his daddy getting arrested

Answer 1

you don't approve of your ex's behaviour but that really is no reason for him not to see his son. To you, he is a bad role model but to your son he is just "daddy" - remember that.
I'm sure your ex wouldn't be so stupid as to take drugs in front of your son, do criminal behaviour, etc. - you said he was always a good dad and I'm sure he would continue to take this responsibility seriously. Do you really think he would do anything stupid in front of his son? Also, if you ban him from seeing his son then this might encourage worse behaviour since he doesn't have a reason to be social any more?
Sorry, you have to put your own moral considerations aside. Get a promise from your ex that he'll behave in front of your son and let your son continue to enjoy the company of his daddy. He might be a calming influence.
Good luck. Difficult choice, I know - you're trying to protect your son and be a responsible mother but your son would only see you as an obstacle to seeing his other beloved parent.

Answer 2

Your first and only responsibility is for your son's safety. Would you let him hang out with a neighbour or a friend who was doing drugs and being sought by the police? I didn't think so. Why should you have different rules for your ex? He is just trying to manipulate you by all this crap about "your son will hate you someday when you finds out you kept me apart from him". Next time he tries to use that tired old line, simply say: "He won't hate me too much longer after I explain to him that you didn't care enough about him to stay off the drugs and out of trouble with the law in order to see him". That ought to shut him up.

Answer 3

This is a hard one, I too have been through the whole access issue. It seems to me men are fine until they get another women in their life and then it goes off the boil. You must however not stop the contact between your son and his father but suggest a neutral place to meet, say his parents so you are happy he isn't being exposed to the sorts of crap you think is going on. Your son will get to an age when he can make up his own mind and will thank you for it. My Girls are all slowly getting the true picture of their useless father but it was painfull getting there, you just have to learn to pick up the pieces.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I think that by saying that he can't see is his son...as well you will only make matters worse. Not only will you alienate his son from his dad you will also make your son resent you when he gets older because you stopped his dad having contact with him.

Perhaps you could suggest to your ex that you meet with a famiy mediator liaison officer so that you can both come to some sort of agreement about your son.

Sounds like your ex is very unhappy to me, so support him if you can. Though do not condone his behaviour but help when appropriate.

I appreciate that you are worried that your ex is not being a good role model but explain to your son that his dad loves him to bits but he should not follow his example of behaviour. Yes talk to your son. Kids have more common sense that we give them credit for.

Good luck.

Answer 5

That is not fair on you, he is the one in the wrong and being irresponsible, this is not fair on you. If his son means that much to him then he should be taking more responsibility so long as you don't bad mouth him to your Son he will have no reason to hate you. Let them be in contact via letters or supervised visits that way you haven't stopped thme seeing each other just explain it is for your sons good and until he cleans himself up then this is how it has to be.

I understand your heart ache in doing it my parents split when i was young my mum had an affair but i don't hate her for the family splitting up i love both my parents just as much as each other and although it was Sad and i don't see my dad as much as i should do i still love them. Your son won't grow to hate you eventually your ex will see what he has done and will explain all to him when he is older.

Answer 6

Well, i think that your son's dad many be going through a bit of a down fall in his life at the moment.
For you to keep your son away from him, would turn on you one day..
I think stopping your son from seeing him is not a great thing to do now!!
I would allow him to see him under your supervision at least you know that your son is safe.
Think clearly cause the world does turn!!

Answer 7

You go girl dont let him get you all upset and feeling guilty it`s our responsibility as a parent to protect out children from harm even if it`s the other parent doing it .so explain to his father that you want him in his sons life but you feel that's it`s in the best interest of your son that he does`nt see his daddy not doing well and also explain to him that you guys are your sons first teacher how can we expect our child to grow up doing the right things if he see his dad doing wrong?? and if he loved him like he say he does he would get help and clean up his act because that old saying the apple does not fall far from the tree "like father like son. god bless.

Answer 8

What age is your son? Can you not have your ex see your son at oyur house that way you know he is fine and dont need to worry and he still has the contact or he takes him out somewhere public like swimming or something then home but no overnight or on own visits until he has sorted himself out.

Answer 9

What you need to tel him is that is very difficult that he would hate you, on the light of what it is happening your son will thank you very much when he would be able to understand, I think that you have to be very strong and not to fall into conversations of arguments...with problems with police, injecting himself steroids, he is simply a big danger for the child and you don't want him to appear in the News, Period, end of the history here, you are growing your son, you don't need to grow your ex too... tell him to come with solutions and money for the baby, to be responsible or to **** off. Your a pretty busy with your life and don't need to be dragged to his life's style...finish, never another argument.

Answer 10

Tell him to get his act together and then you will let him see his son. Give him a certain length of time to sort himself out and tell your son that daddy is away or something. You dont want to keep them apart for ever, just until your ex can prove he is responsible.