I gotten down right ugly here at home, I feel like CRAP what to do?

Question

My wife and I got into an argument about one of her old boyfriends who has been contacting her. I finally told her I wanted to end last night, or theres going to be changes at the house!
I said she was pushing it with me and I will not tolerate it any longer! After the kids went to bed she said she spoke to him because it was like being in high school again with no worries or responsibility's!
So I asked her outright( I'm that tire) what she wanted in our marriage or if she wanted our marriage? She finally admitted that if I had not gone to her HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, She might have had the affair! She said it's not me but she needed to feel young again! We adopt 5 kids because she wants kids, were taking care of 3 teens, all at her instance, And she says that! I told her this morning that I need time away from her because If I stay were going to be divorced!
The funny thing is I got a bad feeling about the reunion so I made time to go to it and felt bad about not trusting her after it!

Man I will never second guess myself again! I really flew off the handle and told her our marriage of 16 years may not make it to 17, if she ever talked, email ,phoned, or write to him again EVER! I also said I do not want to be with a woman that I can't trust so we need to go to counseling! She said she will think about it! I told her theres no thinking she 48 in July, and I wont waste anymore time on her if she doesn't! He had an affair when we first got married, and we went to counseling to save marriage!
I'm sleeping in the LOFT over my garage tonight and my leave tomorrow for good! the thing is I'm not scared and find this strangely comforting to know that Either way a new beginning for either us or me is at hand!
I'm just so damn angry now what to do about it so I don't say anything our marriage can't handle?
I love my wife very much, but feel betrayed by this betrayal,
She says She loves me and our marriage, but right now I have my doubts, have I wasted 16 years on my wife?

I did contact him and informed him it would get violent if he ever spoke to her again!
He got the picture!

She says theres no time for counseling, but I asked her was there time to email him, keep in contact with him! I went through this once and told myself never again!
She says all we need to do is remind each other that were there for each other. She said that when it comes down to our family it's the deciding factor. We had so many disapointments in our marriage first her affair then that fact she could not have children of her own , 2 years on that one Adoption of displaced family members her mother and father, my family! It's ugly for sure!
We have 5 kids that we adopted, and taking care of 3 teens that know more then everyone alive! I'm 41I don't need this crap!
YA I"M PISSED OFF okey sue me!

Answer 1

Watch out for anger, very little good comes from being ruled by anger.

That's not a criticism though as for the most part you are taking a very healthy stand. What you are asking is not unreasonable under the circumstances, and if she is not willing to cut ties with this guy and go to counseling then you're right to start thinking about not wasting more time.

On the other hand, she didn't actually cheat, and even may not really have considered it but used it as a threat to lash out at you with. Hard to say, but I think your demands are reasonable and you should stand by them.

Now that doesn't mean let your pride rule you. If she's willing, the two of you can get back to having happiness and a good and fulfilling relationship. Don't let pride stand in the way of that if things start moving in the right direction, and don't be too stiff-necked to take an honest apology.

Also remember your kids are going to have a very difficult time during all of this. Do your best to give them the most stable and loving environment you can.

Answer 2

Thats tough.

You should try to find a way to find out if she is actively cheating because if so, the marraige may be gone already. As some point you have to say that you will trust her, or she has to care that you trust her.

But her talking to some guy she had an affair with already is unexceptable.

You need to remove your feelings and think logically...and dude, you never waste time, you are only learning more about life, its a learning experience big guy.

Answer 3

Nothing you have done has been wasted. You are angry, and justly so. She is acting like a fool, but there is no way for her to learn this lesson short of just making a tragic mistake. Her youth is NOT going to come back, no matter what she does. She is caught up in the glamour of what an affair can be...no responsibility, no dirty clothes to wash, nothing but love, love, love...you and I both know that this is not real life. She is going to have to throw all she has away to learn this lesson, and there is no time like the present to start the schooling. Would I walk? YES! Would I come back when she starts with the boo hooing ..I made a terrible mistake..please forgive me...please take me back....HELL NO! Some things that happen cannot be reversed, period. And this is one of them. And why in the world would you want to continue to be married to a total fool????? Only you can answer that one.

Answer 4

Dont give up so easily for one why take all the stress of so many children i would point that out she wanted these children also i would start making personal time with just the two of you doing things maybe overnight or somewhere else... u cant feel young with all those kids around... i would also insist she end all contact with him or i may even have contact him yourself and tell him to back off that ur trying to get ur marriage to work. sometimes people think the grass is greener on the other side... we get this view from soaps... my preacher calls it kissing the rattle snake.... letting sin get close enough to kill u

Answer 5

I'm sorry...I know that it must be hard for you...but it is hard for her too with the kids (3 teens are pretty exhausting) she needed to vent, she needed attention...maybe if you can make more time at evenings to take her out alone romantic stuff, then things will change and she wouldn't be interested in seeing what other men think of her.

I'm not saying that you have done something wrong and I'm not blaming you...but maybe all she needs is a little attention

Answer 6

She is being totally selfish and immature. I don't blame you and I am proud of you for standing up to her. Don't take this abuse in any way or form. Tell her to get over herself and be responsible for the children she has in her life. If she doesn't come to her senses over her commitment she made to you....you have no other choice but to take care of yourself. Let the guy have her(sorry) it won't work out in the end anyway.......she is caught up in a fantasy world and needs to act her age! Don't tolerate her childishness. She is acting like a brat. Leave her and find someone who could appreciate you and respect you. They are out there. It's like she doesn't even care about your feelings. She would be a dissapointment to me after 16 long years.......so sorry sweetie.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

If she won't even go to marriage counseling, she obviously isn't serious about fixing the relationship. Give her a deadline to decide whether she wants to try to work things out or divorce.

Answer 9

What a story! I understand your pain but honey summarize!
I f you know that you cannot take the betrayal and you know that you need space then leave...
But God knows what you would meet when you get back...
I think that you both need a time out.

Answer 10

NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET AND THE KIDS ARE THE EXCUSE. SHE'S HAVING A MID LIFE CRISIS AND YOUR ACTING LIKE A CHILD IN SOME WAYS. COUNSELING OR NOT. IF NOT. YOU PACK AND WALK. DONE.