How do you get your husband to forgive you when he doesn't believe a word you say?

Question

Note : For background info have a look at my previous questions.

My ex Eli and my husband James were in a car accident together 2 weeks ago that left James with minimal injuries and killed Eli.I was so upset that after Eli's funeral last sunday I blew up at James and told him I wish it had been him that died instead.I don't know how to fix this.I said what I said in the heat of the moment and it really couldn't have been any further from the truth.I tried to apologize last night but he doesn't believe a word I say because he's now convinced I was in-love with Eli all along.What can I do or say to make him believe me?

Answer 1

If he doesn't believe a word you say then it is time for a divorce.

Answer 2

Wow!
Well, I won't go saying that what you've done is horrible, I know you already feel that, but still, you also know that it was only brought up because of what happened.. and I'm sorry.
Also, saying such a line can mean a lot of things, not only for him, but for you, people usually say the right truth in such situations, but, that's not what you're asking to know, so I'll skip.
Now, you have "two" choices.. in my opinion.
One is to "do it yourself" and the other is to "throw it on a professional"..
I recommend the second actually, which would be that you'd start seeing a marriage counceler, and it'd also be better if you can take your husband with you, but, since you're already in an unstable situation, so you can start yourself first and see what the pro would recommend.
The "do it yourself" is pretty easy, don't panic.
Just put in your mind that you've hurt your man, even though you did not mean it, and I know that, but still, put yourself in his shoes. So, this period, you "have" to be the nicest wife he can ever have. Be there for him like never before, and do more things that you always do, don't bring the subject up because "yes" he won't believe you right now. So, just try to convince him in other ways that don't include words.
I'm sure that if he loves you enough, it will only take some "time" and actually a short time, until he gets over that line and start forgiving you, so don't worry, just make it up to him.
But still, I will recommend you see a shrink at some point, because, such a line, means a lot, it's only for your own sake and nobody else's.
Good luck

Answer 3

The bottom line is you can't get him to forgive you.

In a fit of anger you spoke the truth, you know it! He knows it! Even poor Eli probably knew it.

Don't make it worse by pretending that your feelings and reactions were honest. I don't believe what you say, and I doubt whether he would either.

Now that doesn't mean that you loved Eli, at the expense of James, or that it would have even have worked out with him. Eli was a part of your past, and somehow James was responsible for killing that.

You were angry, you spoke inappropriately, and now you could let time heals things, if they ever heal. I can't predict what James will do, he may forgive you, he may not, but as I said at the first of this answer there is nothing you can do.

Answer 4

Honey the truth is you are in love with your husband and you did have some love for your x. It is OK! Just trying to get that past a mans ego is another. You know you were wrong before saying those ugly words and you do have to make it right. You also have to come to terms with your grief. There is no wrong way to grieve, its the way you act with the survivors that counts. It is going to take a long time for him to get over those ugly things you said. You wished him dead honey, sometimes that's the worst thing someone could ever hear. He needs to heal and you have to give him the room to do just that. Write him a note that is straight from the heart and let him give you the silent treatment for awhile or act up set. He deserves at least this much. I would also recommend some type of counseling for the two of you. Your local church will have it for free. Best of luck and sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

Words hurt people and your words were vicious. If your husband has not left you already that is a good sign. Do not expect him to act as if you did not say it- you did ,and you may have to pay a price for those words. If you sincerely did not mean it, apology again and give him the space he needs. If you meant it, let him go, he deserves more. Search your heart, words like those should never be said no matter how much you were hurting about the loss of Eli. Remember, there are some things that can not be repaired, think before you speak.

Answer 6

there is really nothing you can say for him to believe you..
you can forgive but you never forget. it will be a long time for your husband to be normal with you again and you will need to be patient. what you said was very wrong and hurtfull, you were wrong in saying that and you need to put yourself in your husbands shoes and think about what if he said that to you.



you also need to give time to yourself and think about what you said. If you really felt that way maybe your husband is right, maybe you were still in love with your ex.

I do not think a divorce is the solution, it is not that your husband does not believe you it is just that he is upset. he is utterly hurt and sadden by what you said.


all you can do is comfort him and let him know that you love him. and you need to show him that you know you were wrong and that you are sorry for what you said.
sometimes people say things that they don't mean when they are angry and upset.

You need to let him realize also that the mood between the two of you is not all your fault, let him know that you were upset and hurt, also if you think and you come to the conclusion that you did mean what you said and you were in fact still in love with your ex then.... well the truth hurts.

You need to talk to him , like really talk to him, dont let him run away and dont sweep it under the rug because it will get worse. tell him how you really feel, you may think that he is not listening but he is.

I you truley love your husband, and if he truly loves you as well then you will work out your differences.

Good luck and I wish the best.

Answer 7

Ouch.

Words are like a tube of toothpaste....once it's squeezed out, you can't put it back in...

There is nothing you can do. You said it. And you hurt him in a spot that he probably was already insecure about in the first place. That's like kicking him in the "you know what" and laughing about it.

The best you can do is sit him down and be honest. Tell him that you did love Eli all along...but not in the way that you love him. You cared about Eli because he was someone that you shared part of your life with. It's not a part that you want back but it's a part of your past that died along with him and that's hard to deal with.
Tell him again how sorry you are and that you really did not mean it.
But don't be surprised if things are never the same between you again. He's slammed both doors shut on you...and you'll be lucky if he even opens them a crack.

Let this be a lesson to everyone.....watch what you say.

Answer 8

It is very hard to take back words that are said in the moment even when they are not what we really think. That's why people should be careful to think before they speak because you can't unring the bell.

Your husband James was all ready feeling guilty and then you said this to him and he was no doubt hurt.

It will take time for him to forgive you.

You need to be kind and loving and keep trying to show him you love him with actions not words.

You need to be patient and maybe go to counseling together. I believe you will get through it in time.
Good luck.

Answer 9

You have hurt your husband's feelings for saying what you have said to him. Some believe that the first words that come out of your mouth are the words you really meant to say. I do agree because you have a choice to either say them or not to say them. That's why you have to think before you say something. If you know with what you are going to say will hurt the other person's feelings, then don't say them at all. Look what has happened to you.

But, yes..... you have hurt him and you need to apologize to him and do what it takes to repair the damage.

You didn't really see the big picture with your husband and Eli. This tragedy was an 'accident' and your husband didn't do this on purpose, or who-ever was driving. It just happened.

Answer 10

We all get angry sometimes, and sometimes we take our frustrastion, anger, emotions out on those we love the most.
Why? Because they will always love us, no matter what we do.

Explain that your x, means nothing to you at this point in your life. Yes, you may still lvoe him, but nothing more than you love your cousin, or brother. He's family to you now. Not a relationship worthy person. You two broke up for a reason. Yet, if you love someone you always will, you won't stop. When he died, all your emotions had to be released, you can't bottle it all up forever. Your husband, whom you would assume would be the caring forgiving type, would understand this. & in a time like this, women cannot be held responsible for what we say or do. I mean im 17 but if something happens, my friends know I usally don't mean it.
The heat of the moment.. messes with girl's minds. Unlike men, we have to expressions these intense emotional feelings we have. He needs to understand this, and accept this. He needs to let go what you said. We don't mean everything we say.

Write him, or tell him in his sleep when he has to listen.

I'm sorry about your loss, I probably would have said something along those lines too. That doesn't mean we mean it.

Maybe, let him read this.
If a 17yr old understands, why can't he?

Answer 11

Sit down and write him a sincere note, if you are really sorry and you didn't mean it then tell him in the note and explain to him that you are going to give him some space, go stay with someone for a couple of weeks and see if he tries to make contact with you. That's a big ouch, he might not get over this one.