I have been married for 18 years and I have dealt with both physical violence and mental abuse.?

Question

My husband also cheated on me for many years. We have 4 children. He is in his 50's and I am in my 30's. In all these years I never had the courage to leave him. For the past 2 years he has changed alot and is trying very hard. The problem is I cannot get over the past and I want to move on. In the last 6 months I have met someone else who seems perfect for me and is very nice. I live each day feeling guilty and feel that I married for better or worse and since my husband is making an effort I shoud try and work things out, but my heart is not into him anymore. He tells me to get ovet the past but I cannot. I dont make enough to support my 4 children but I am just not happy. Is it wrong of me to live in the past or is it time for me to move?

Answer 1

That's a sad story , but it sounds like maybe your cheating too. Things go sour when one or both people don`t try anymore.

Answer 2

It is wrong to show your kids that it is ok to be with a man who treats you this way. It is wrong that you brought these children in the world knowing he is a very abusive man and they will never know what a good or bad relationship is. I feel for your children. You had and have every opportunity to leave him. You now found someone else and that is an easy way out. You need to get out of this relationship and get help before you jump right into another mans arms. There are so many places that will help you financially and emotionally. If you do not learn from this mistake the next guy that comes into your life could be just like your husband or worse. You need to fix yourself first before diving into another relationship.

Answer 3

It is time for you to move on. No matter what he feels you need to do it to make you happy. To bad for him. Even though he has changed it is what you feel you need to do and what you want in your life. He never thought about how you wanted him to not do the things he done in the past and be there for you when you needed him and now you are so not into him and he wasnts you to be. Sometimes you got to live with what you have done and sometimes it take a few years before you pay for things. Get on with your life and be happy. Do not let his feelings get to you. He has lost the gift to get the girls anymore or he would still be doing it. If you can't afford to leave then do what you got to do while he is there. He never cared what you wanted let alone felt. When you get the option to move on then go. I am proud of you. I was there where you are once and will NEVER be there again. I have a great life now and I also raised 4 kids, I made it and so can you. You really have to want it to get it done.

Answer 4

You know I'm glad he is trying and maybe he is changed. but you know I have a hard time believing that. It is very hard for a person to change like that. I understand you not loving him anymore. I don't understand how you put up with such disrespect and pain for so many years already. I have always felt a person should do all they can to make a marriage work. But I would leave a man in a minute if he laid a had on me or treated me like dirt. If you feel strong enouph to leave him now then do it. But don't do it because you think you will go on with someone else. Because that other relationship just might not work. Do it for yourself and your kids.

Answer 5

well it sounds like you started going out with him at a young age. Abuse is abuse who ever gets over that no one really/
He just doesn't realize the damage that he has done to you and he telling you to stop living in the past give me a break.
He is now in is 50's so he trying to change now. Why? because he is older now and doesn't want you to leave him oh well. Listen you need to think about yourself first for a change. I know it must have been really hard on you to stay with him all these years alot of people think that women like you are weak but i think the opposite i think that you are strong to have put up with that crap for 18 years. Leave him he deserves it and do not feel bad about it either, do you think he was feeling bad when he was smacking you around? good Luck

Answer 6

It's not wrong or right of you to live in the past, but if he has abused you (physically or mentally), it's better to just try and move on. Get a divorce. You want to be happy. You shouldn't live a life that doesn't make you happy.

But, you also have to think about your kids. It can be very traumatic for kids to go through with parents divorcing. Just give it time. Think about what YOU really want as a person, and what your kids might want.

That's the best you can do.

Answer 7

You made a commitment to stay, for better or for worse. You stayed there through the worse (why, I don't know...). So why would you want to bail now when it's time for the "better" part? That doesn't make sense.
Sounds like the only reason you stayed was because you were afraid, not because you took your commitment seriously. And now, you say you've "met someone". Why are you looking? If you are looking, then you've already made up your mind.

Look, marriage is not about if you "feel" like you're in love.

Love is a choice and love is a commitment. Your chance to bail was in those years that he was abusive. If you've stuck it out this long, you need to see it through and FIND a way to get your "heart in it".

Oh and by the way, the grass is always greener in someone else's yard. This new guy seems perfect now...but he has his own set of issues. Trading one set of problems for another isn't going to improve your life.

You and the husband need to seek counseling. And you need to learn to forgive. What he did was awful. And forgiving him doesn't mean you are saying what he did was okay. Forgiving him means that you are letting go of the past, and acting like it! Forgiving him means that you are starting over and acting like it. Most importantly, forgiving is something you do for yourself, not for him. Carrying around unforgiveness will only hurt you, not him. Let it go and try and work it out. Get some counseling...a LOT of counseling. Even if you go by yourself.

And if he starts in on his old ways, leave him right then and there....Don't wait until the statute of limitations has expired!

Answer 8

I think it's time for you to move on with your life. You can support your 4 children. It's not that hard to do. It might seem like it since it's been 18 years. That's how long I've been married and now going through a divorce. I can't wait until it's over. I can be free and no more headaches. Get out of the marriage so you can enjoy your life. I wouldn't stay in a marriage that is miserable.

Answer 9

I think is time for you to move.. Your husband is just ripping what he saw, all these years of abuse and hitting on you and I'm sure now that he is older he feels like is time to change before you get tired of his old *** and dump him.. you will have support for your kids the law will make sure of that.. One thing I advice you and this is very important.. Don't trust no ones around your children give your self and your kids sometime to recover before you expose them to another man.. Now this husband of yours you don't have to keep if your heart is telling you is over is because it is. It would be unfair for you to stay with him without being happy, it's sad and cruel especially when you have suffer so much with him. Do the right thing but please be careful with your kids,once you leave this man remember this you must always believe your children listen to them and do not leave them alone with no other if you go to the store.. They go to the store. Protect your children and never put any body's need in front of theirs it sounds a bit difficult but it's not and you have the rights to be happy. Leave your husband is my advice he had it coming. Good luck.

Answer 10

Run..don`t walk.....it`s his kids, so he has to support them. Once an abuser, always one. Don`t stay because you say you don`t make enough money. Find a friend or family member to stay with until you get this resolved. If you can`t forgive him, you`re hurting not only yourself, but your kids as well. Kids have this built in sense where they can pick up on a tense situation. See a counselor. Most clinics offer free counseling, or a sliding scale. Stop looking for excuses. I just hope your not playing an eye for eye game. That`s not good for the kids either! But if you are sincere, it`ll work out, even if he has to be restrained from inflicting any kind of abuse on you. No one deserves that. G/L hon.

Answer 11

The problem with your scenario is if you go, you imply you'd be going from one relationship into another. Would you be posing this question if there was no other guy you were interested in? Would you still be ready to move on from the former abuser?

I can totally understand why you'd want to leave...and that even if he has changed, his past behavior may have quelled any love you once had for him. However, the grass may not be green with Mr. New Guy.

If you decide to leave at some point, go when you can get out on your own and support yourself and your kids (with him paying child support, of course). Don't do it if you cannot be independent...you need to know you can stand on your own, for you and your kids.

Good luck...whatever you decide.