Wife has low self esteem question?

Question

wife was tight, toned, cute, and knockout when she was younger. Now she's turning thirty, gained weight, feels old and is beside herself. We have kids but it's like her whole world is tied up in being young. Is this a sign that she's always had low self esteem and does not have enough self esteem to pull her through just getting older? it seems a little rediculous. everybody gets older. its no big deal. it's like she's lost her life because of her weight gain and her youth. I don't know what to do to help her. does it seem like she always had low self esteem because she focuses on her looks? I had no problem getting older.

Answer 1

You can't fix this "self esteem" has the world "self" in it. She feels as though she's fat and ugly and she probably is.

What she doesn't realize is that she's lazy because she can change this.

Get her help for depression, that would be a great start.

Answer 2

Just because it doesn't bother you doesn't mean it shouldn't bother her. Society doesn't hold men to the same standard as women. Men who grow older become "distinguished" and have no problem attracting women. However, there are industries that make MILLIONS on promoting the idea that woman have to be thin and young looking until they DIE.

When women hit their 30's, they stop adding bone mass and so their metabolism slows down. That causes the added weight and the difficulty losing it. And for us girls, that's a hard thing to deal with.

My guess is that she's not happy in a LOT of areas of her life. Her looks are only part of it. If she seems to be really down about it but not DOING anything about it, then she may be depressed and that requires a DOCTOR visit. Telling her to "deal with it" because "everyone gets older" is not going to help. Matter of fact, it will probably make her mad at you.

If you want to be supportive, stop describing her as a "knockout when she was younger". That's the same as saying "yea, you USED to be cute but now you are an old hag". Tell her the reasons why you are attracted to her, how beautiful she is now and how beautiful she is going to be when she's 80.

My guess is, that the two of you are probably all consumed with family stuff and haven't spent a lot of time "dating" each other. Start making time with her a priority. Set one night a week for "date night". YOU call the sitter and YOU make the plans and take her out. Do things you used to do before you were married. Help her to see that even though she's older, she can still have fun....with you!

Answer 3

I have been married 23 years, my wife has had the same problem too, we found out thru hypnotheraphy that she had been molested at four years of age and again during her teens. Both times by a boy friend dated her older sister. Which explained her approach to sex and how she saw life. She also has had a sensitive digestive tract most of her life, which has given her heartburn very bad, we have found probiotics in a health store, that are refridgerated worked great. Her digestive tract had been affected by stress, the stress from being low in self esteem for a long time. But this was all figured out after many years, it really helped seeing a doctor who can recommend someone to see. If you do not have the money talk with family members maybe there is a grandma that can help My friend this is what love is all about, as they say opposites attract, your strengths will help her and you will find there is plenty she can do to help you. lastly you have to continually reassure her that its OK, let her know how much you love her regulary Do you guys go to a church?. If not try a local community church, try them all, maybe there is one that you feel comfortable with. They can be very benefical with their support groups

Answer 4

We women have a more difficult time with this aging thing. Please try to be even more convincing with her that she is all you wanted and still want. I feel her pain. It's not fun to have once been the beauty and now wonder if we are still viable regardless of whether there has been a weight change or just the aging process in general. It may be no big deal to you but it is to a woman. Everything in this life seems to center around women being youthful and beautiful forever. It's hard to compete. Men just seem to get a free ticket here with the aging process. Make her feel as special as you can. If she is already doing this at 30, what is 40 or 50 going to do? It's really hard. Try to work with her on this and be as understanding as you can be.

Answer 5

Every woman on this planet has some complaint of herself. She should not be feeling so bad about herself though because it can be a big turn off for you. Try giving her compliments and tell her what you love about her inside and out. Even if she was young and skinny she will still find something she does not like about herself. Us women are so critical of ourselves. It could be because of the models photos and they look as though they have no flaws but what she has to understand is that the flaws that those models have are brushed out or taken out. She needs to look in the mirror and find what she does like about herself instead of what she doesn't like. Looks only go so far. I now understand that I have qualities that some women do not have and am special the way that I am. I am not saying that I am not critical of myself because I am at times. That is why you need to compliment what is in the inside more then on the outside. I have seen people that were married to people that are handsome or beautiful and then after a few years of marriage they are having trouble because they cannot find something they like about the person on the inside and they were just a trophy on thier arm. 30 is not at all old. Age is just a number.

Answer 6

It's certainly nice for you to point out how cute, toned and a total knock out she was when she was younger. Hello?!?! Do you say things like "oh, i still love you" "oh i still think you look good". If that's your attitude, I'd be depressed too.

Seriously, I think that that your wife is stuck in the "mommy mode". She probably feels like she has no time for herself because she is too busy taking care of the kids, the house, you and working. She probably feels worn down and totally unattractive.

It's summer time, take family outings-get out of the house-hiking in the park, the zoo, playing soccer, theme parks, horse back riding, etc. The extra physical activity will help everyone in the family feel better/get into better shape/make your wife feel like a kid again.

Encourage your wife to do some things for herself; go to dinner with friends; join a gym.

Your wife is upset about getting older. Be understanding. If nothing else, suggest a doctor visit--maybe an antidepressant to take the edge off.

Answer 7

oh my goodness, i feel almost the same way. I just think it is hard for women in todays society, with shows about face lifts and plastic surgery, and people just wanting to stay looking younger and good. I just had a baby about 4 1/2 months ago and still have like 20lbs to be back down, and the feelings of after birth about my looks, did take a pretty hard toll on my self esteem, it is just really hard to accept that i am not 20 anymore...good luck and just tell her she is just as beautiful as the day you met her, eventually she will start to believe in herself again, or at least be ok with the way she looks.

Answer 8

a lot of people might find this difficult to believe, but life isn't about looks.

taking care of ourselves the best we can is a good idea, however.

perhaps your wife could join the gym, get a make over, a new haircut. she needs to care about herself. she doesn't have to look like a beauty queen, but if she takes care of herself, exercises and remains active she will feel MUCH better.

i have found walking 30 minutes a day, 4 days a week to be wonderful exercise and it's therapeutic..

your wife is NOT old... she is at a great age, and i think women in their 30's and 40's look great!

if she is having self-esteem issues, perhaps you could suggest therapy to help her realize she's a very worthwhile person, good parent and wonderful wife...

take care.

Answer 9

Just reassure her that she is still beautiful. Like when she is folding clothes just act stunned and when she asks you what's the matter tell her that she takes your breath away. Leave her sexy little notes. When I was feeling down my husband did this for me and his taking an interest in me made me take an interest in me. I lost 30lbs, started wearing makeup. I felt like desirable woman ( I'm 25) instead of an old wife and stay at home mother. Good luck.

Answer 10

she needs your reassurance that she is fine the way she is...and/or your assistance to get her back into a more acceptable condition, dude...it hits the fan when she turns 40...so get the jump on it now.