Being molested as a child...what can be done to overcome issues?

Question

I've blocked this out for soo long, at some times I will remember little bits again.. But because I was young, the details are fuzzy and I think i chose to block a lot of it out. And in turn became good at blocking out my childhood.

I was touched, kissed but never raped as such, but somehow I think that it may have been my fault, I can't remember saying no? It might sound strange, thats why I'm hoping someone else who's been through this can help.

I can't understand why I didn't fight back or just say no or tell someone? I can't even remember if I said no. He was 8 years older than me.. It must have been when i was between the ages of 6-9 maybe, it happened for a few years while. It was a relation of mine that did it.

I think it affected my childhood more than I thought. Until writing this, I never really thought it had affected me - but it has in a few ways.

Can someone help me with my feelings?

The thing is I dont think about it everyday. I have supressed it that much.

And I'm not going to see a counsellor, I'm usually good at sitting down, meditating and working it through - and forgiving.

I just need help with why I feel that it was my fault?

Answer 1

Hi Deep_Blue,
I am sorry to read this...............
Abusers, may leave us with the sense that we are little, that we are weak, somehow not good enough, be-little... to make us believe, that we are the ones responsible, that something is wrong with us.... This effects everything we do in life, it ultimately shelters are very existence.....
>>>>>>>
What your Abuser did to you, gave them a sense of "power" over you.... This was a "physical act", so in a sense.. they wanted something out of it.... They wanted to control you emotionally above all.... So try to think in a "sense", not to heal your "physical wounds"... but to try to heal your "emotional wounds", instead..... What is most important is : that you are healing for your future "now", and letting your past move backwards.........
It's okay to remember, but what's really hurting now is your emotional side.....
>>>>>>>>>>
The only thing that helps, Deep_Blue is : to find a love and have kids to nurture.. and protect..... It will help to remind yourself "you are not bad and it wasn't your fault".............
>>>>>>>>>>
I only came here to help you cope.... I have been there, so you know, why in my answer, I use the word : "US" .....
>>>>>>
I wish you all the best, and I mean that!!
I work in the medical field, part of the reason is : "my past"..
>>>>>>>>
I do hope, this helped you, in some way....

Take care of yourself!... And you know, you can find me, in here somewhere..... :)

My regards!

Answer 2

The same thing has happened to me at about the same age. I knew it was not my fault but I felt guilty all the same. A child that age is afraid to tell because they feel it is their fought. The perpetrator uses this to control his victim. Your feelings are normal and usually run a process from denial or forgetting to embarrassment and guilt. As you process this much of it you realize you hate or want revenge and all of your relationships suffer. You may even blame your family for not protecting you from this person. Ask God to give you guidance and understanding as well as peace then you can forgive him and move on with your life. I will pray for you as well.

Answer 3

Talk to someone you can trust about it. Counselors work by becoming a person like you mother that is supposed to trust and love you unconditionally. Unless you're in a really committed relationship, I would suggest therapy.

Personally, my husband and I have been each others' counselors. It has worked for us, but we're not normal. Therapy would probably be the best for helping you overcome your past.

Answer 4

I don't know if I can "help" you here in cyberspace, but there are some very common patterns of the affects of child molestation. Contrary to Parfait, you CAN overcome them. My "cue" was that you felt it was your fault; (stated twice). That is the ROOT of it. The child knows the feeling of being "violated" yet can't intellectualize it, & almost always--feels to blame. Why didn't I fight back, why didn't I tell someone, why--when I did--didn't they listen. These are feelings from a CHILD'S point of view. The adult, unless coming to terms, (swamp's "..as if you're looking at it as a third person observer" was very astute). Sometimes, the adult who was in ANY way molested as a child, suspresses the feelings of the child, because they are such deep emotions, & often seem so abstract they believe they could never get in touch, or it would be too frightening. In my opinion, it isn't always necessary to "relive"--literally--the experience. I would never push someone to do this. BUT. Exploring the feelings of blame, guilt & so on, & yes, even the "tragedy" of this child from the adult's mind has been very, very effective. I recall one client specifically, who was "afraid" to "go back" yet eventually was able to understand her "child" wasn't responsible, nor did she feel anger or blame. She had spent years feeling diminutive, worthless, & the image she had of herself greatly impacted her life, most negatively. She didn't come to me for this. But this is what I discovered. It was incest with her mother, & her issues were why she was "promiscuous" with men, & that she thought she had always failed at anything she attempted to do. All I can say here, is: CARE for this child. From your adult's understanding, know that child was not to blame. With understanding, & gentle guidance from a therapist, you can then put it TOTALLY behind you. I don't believe it's even necessary to "forgive" the person who did it, to understand why they did it, or to hate them for it. There can be a wonderful sense of "freedom" once you have done this. THAT WAS YOU CHILD, THIS IS YOU.

Edit: Okay, I mispelled--"you" for "your." Spell check doesn't work! Or, perhaps, only speculation--someone doesn't believe the last part of my message? If so, they aren't required to. I have had (sadly) many experiences with people who have been molested as children. I would never say anything in which I had any doubt.

Answer 5

Your inner child is screaming out at you because it's not safe, only you can make it safe for her, you have to deal with the issue by letting the child know that you wont let it happen again, tell her it's safe and that you will keep her safe, seek out a councillor that dose inner child work, I am a professional councillor that dose do inner child work but I do it one on one, this is not the place to counsel any one.

Answer 6

Healing prayers for you and the countless number of children and adults around the world being victimized as we write.

Also, prayers for the perpetrators, so that they will no longer commit these crime and instead become healthy and respectful people.

Prayers to stop child pornography, sex trade, slavery and child marriages. Heal the world!

Peace and love to you!

Answer 7

Know that you are not at fault. Realize that how you feel is pretty normal for anyone that has gone through what you did, somehow, we blame ourselves when NO WAY are we at fault. You're right to try to figure out how to heal yourself and not let it color how you deal with things in your life.

Children are taught to respect their elders, and get along with family and make them feel at home. He wasn't the "stranger" we're all taught to fear.
You would not have had the developed the social skills and self esteem yet to deal with a someone like him in that type of situation.

Usually anyone 8 years older than you would know how to manipulate you to make you think that you were somehow to blame or that your parents would be disappointed. You were 9, he was 17, so how could you possibly know how to deal with that. On some level too, he probably was exploiting your need for attention (most kids need attention, I did).

Most little kids, if you watch them, worship older kids.
And, you did not need to tell him no; anyone that was his age would CLEARLY know what he did was wrong, so he knew he shouldn't be doing it even if you did not tell him no.

My story is when I was 12, I went bike riding with a girlfriend. She always had boys like her, and I wanted boys to like me too. I was too naive to realize WHY they liked her , and when we went to this one kids house, they had cigarrettes and alcohol (which I was peer pressured into trying "come on, don't be such a baby". Next thing I knew, we were in the clubhouse in back of his house, and he was overpowering me. I remember him being way stronger than me and pulling off my light blue Levi's cords, and my being unable to stop him (and I did try!). It took me years to realize that I was just in a bad place at the wrong time, and I was not responsible. No one deserves to be raped or molested- certainly not you and me!

Think about this a different way...
lf I were to tell you my story, and then tell you it was all my fault.
Would you agree with me?
I bet you wouldn't.

So, treat yourself with the same respect you'd give me, and realize that you were no more at fault than I was, it just was a crappy thing that happened from a messed up person. Your relative could even have been a victim of it himself when he was younger by someone else.

But, don't blame yourself, try to find some way to make the experience work for you as a way to be more compassionate, to help other people, to try to figure out what you can do to make things better for others; try to make something good come out of this crappy experience.

Try to work this out, forgive yourself, forgive him for your own peace (but DON"T forget). If you still feel like it is coloring the way you view the world, or make decisions, get counselling.

I did get counselling, for other reasons (I had some tragedies to work through) and also worked on this with the counsellor since I had blocked out my experience, too. It really helped me

Let's mentally wish your creepy relatize 2 flat tires right now :-P and he has to get out in the pouring rain in a mud puddle to change it.... and then a car goes by.... oh well, I digress...


take care of yourself. hugs. Mary

Answer 8

Go to therapy it helped me a lot. You never get over it, but therapy helps you cope with it and live a normal life without thinking about it everyday.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

You need therapy. That's it, plain and simple.

I've seen amazing results with Dianetics. Go to www.dianetics.org and check them out.

If you live in Nassau County, NY, the best in the profession that I've ever seen work is Dr. Livia Beck.

Answer 10

Bless your heart. That is very sad, and of course you have suppressed a lot of memories about it and emotions good luck with that