How should a mature responsible husband act?

Question

My husband and I have the same quarrel all the time and I want to know if I am in the wrong. (1)He wants to gamble on the online casinos even if we are broke>(then lies about the $$, even though he knows I will catch him) I say it is a recreation and only extra $$ can be spent. (2) He says he should be able to come and go as he pleases any time he wants.> I say, lets compromise and you pick 1 night a week that belongs to you and I will do the same. He says that I am trying to control him and tell him what to do. When I try to tell him how I feel about these things he brushes me off and tries to make me the bad guy, always reminding me that because he works that he is "taking care of me and the kids". He runs his own biz and I do all of the clerical, web, advertising, etc...
Now can anyone help me out? I am about to give up and file for divorce

He is 2nd husband, kids are his step kids. Biological dad never been invlolved and he has been with me for the past 6 yrs. We have been married for 3 of those yrs. He is 33 and I am 36. I am his 2nd marriage as well

Answer 1

He should stay away from on-line casinos.
Thay are scams and rip-offs. Also it's a good sourse for viruses and trojans. "Responsible"
husbands shouldn't act like that. He has a compulsive disorder problem among other ones.

Answer 2

It does sound like he does have a gambling problem. Maybe you can agree on a set amount of fun money for each of you. If he spends it all on gambling he doesn't get any more! Go over the bills and if they are getting paid late or you are scrimping on the kids or other kinds of necessities like food, then maybe you can show him the evidence. The lies are awful and turning the tables so he doesn't have to face what HE is doing can also lead to other bad behavior. Try having a good friend over when he is doing this. Maybe that friend can be in the room when he is loosing the money. That friend could say "gee that was alot of money" or something when he looses. See if you and him can go to counseling. Set it up so that all he has to do is get in the car and go with you. If he is extremely closed to this remember your credit is at stake and separate yours from his immediately! That means your bank account and everything! You have that right married or not! Don't give in when he says he wants it together say you want it that way permanently. Don't lend him money and don't ask for any. See if that sobers him up. Gambling can get really ugly and be prepared to divorce if he gets worse. You and the kids can't go down, too.

Answer 3

Well in a way he can't just come and go as he pleases, especially when it comes to your family money. There is no "his money" anymore becuase he has a wife and kids now. Gambling is a very touchy aread and many who have a problem go unnoticed, untreated or unconfronted for a long time. I personally knew someone who lied to their wife about gambling until it came to a point when they were in vegas or reno for a anniversary get-a-way and he never went to bed the 1st night they were there, his wife came to find him and found him at the $100 black jack table saying "we need to talk". He threw away 15 grand that night and earlier that year had cashed in investment portfolios and the kids' college funds. I would seek gambling help and marriage counseling before jumping to divorce. Everyone can or will have marriage problems, but it's always best to try every last resort before giving up.

Answer 4

Ok.... this is a tough situation. Sorry to hear it.

Well if he should come and go as he pleases, then why bother to marry you? Right? Did he marry you out of pity? Or just feel sorry for you because you had kids with no support? Sorry he is making excuses.

OK.. so he makes the money and pays the bills.. Sounds great, whether he is their father or not. Its nice to have a husband who pays the bills and the wife can stay home. Makes for a closer home life and family togetherness.. at least that is what they say.

I guess you guys really have to talk these things through. I understand he doesn't want someone to tell him what he can and can not do. But there should be an agreement on the money being spent on both sides. How much can each of you afford to spend as "free money". That is one question you should ask. Do you get any money for yourself? Does he ask you for a list of how you spent the money?

Some people are really good at budgeting their money and know exactly how much money they can spend per week. Which of course is a good thing. I don't agree with his comments that he pays the bills. Everyone has to pay bills. Just because you stay home doesn't give him "more" right to spend the money and not discuss it with you. My opinion anyway.

Communication is always the best way to handle things. But we all must first speak to one another in the manner in which we would like to be spoken to.

Marriages break up over money more often than we think. We are living way over our means as a society. TV ads, (etc) tell us we "need" certain things in order to be accepted by society. Which we really know is bull. We have to be happy in our lives and should live within our means. Having all that debt over our heads creates conflict within ourselves and our marriage.

My kids will see someone with a new great car and think WOW. I say, "if they didn't pay for it in cash, then no big deal". We can all run up the debt and have great and new things. Not for me. I'd rather be debt free and have a wonderful sleep.

SO what am I saying. Communicate with your husband. Let him know it does hurt you when he talks in that manner. Try to get a budget going to see how much you can both spend a week without hurting the bill paying.

Good luck

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Answer 5

OMG! I went thru this exact situation 2 yrs. ago. My husband would gamble online after me and our two sons went to bed. He didn't realize that I go online daily to keep a close eye on our checking acct. He would lie about it and the worst part is we had just refinanced and paid off all of our credit cards and thats what he was using to gamble with. He would go to the bank, take out cash advances and put money in the checking acct. and then gamble all night long. He justified his gambling by saying that he wasn't using any of his paycheck. Needless to say I couldn't keep up with the large monthly payments so now we are so far behind on our credit cards that people are starting to sue us. Please do these things for your and your kids sakes: Put all joint credit cards on hold. Just call the company and explain the situation and they will help you. You can even give them a special password so your husband can't call them and reverse the hold. Keep a close eye on your bank accounts. Go online everyday to see all the activity.
Block your husband from going online by: creating a secredt password that only you know, or you can go into your computer and block gambling sites like I did. Sorry, my son did it for me so I can't tell you how to do it. Just ask different people. Someone should know how to do it. I threatened my husband with divorce if he ever did it again. I told him that if he had any extra money, it should go into a savings acct for our future so we don't have to work until the day we die. I was lucky I guess, my husband chose our family over gambling. Just please keep a close eye on things and don't let him get away with it anymore. Gambling is a sickness and he needs help if he doesn't want to help himself. Don't let this ruin you financially like it has us. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

It seems as if your husband has a gambling problem. When you have an addiction you only think of yourself. He does not understand what a partnership means. He is putting his gambling addiction before his family. If he's lieing about the money he's spending, then is he possibly lieing about other things?
In case number (2) he needs to realize he is not single. You need to discuss everything in a marriage. If you do not have communication and trust in a marriage, you have nothing.
Children are very receptive, I hope you are not arguing in front of them. If he does not want to seek help with you, then I suggest that you seek help on your own before you make a decision.
I hope this helps you out!

Answer 7

I guess the first thing would be to find out if this is something that he has always done or it is all new to you.

Do you have a household budget? If you are doing the books then perhaps you could set a budget and say "Honey you are right you can gamble as much as you want with your free money and I can do what I like with my free money" This is the budget and you can see that all money is going to food, home, utilities, college funds....etc.

Maybe instead of trying to limit when he can and can not go out when he is getting ready to go out call a babysitter and be ready to go with him. Perhaps he just enjoys getting out for a while and it can be something for the two of you to have time without kids and just be the adults that fell in love years ago.

Answer 8

Well next time he tells you "I'm taking care of you and the kids" You tell him "And I am doing all the work and don't get paid for it neither" ANd you and him need a counselor because he has a gambling problem and is more concerned with the gambling than his family. But if he doesn't want to go hey I don't blame you if you divorce him and take half of everything then make him paid alot of child support too. Because once you leave who's going to do all the work that you do form him?

Answer 9

Problem is he is right, you are trying to control him and tell him what to do. Now I'm not saying that he should do these things, just that he is right in what he says.

Fact is he is what he is and you want him to change. You wouldn't be very happy with him if he tried to change things that you didn't think were wrong.

You over looked these problems with him when you decided to marry him. Therefore you gave up the right to complain about them now. That being said, you should divorce him and find a man without these bad traits. You will not be happy until you do.

Next time don't be so quick to get married and pick a better guy.

Answer 10

Sounds bad to me. You aren't being controlling--you're asking him to commit his time, energy, and seriousness to a marriage and family. And if he can't do that, he can't be married.

One thing to keep in mind in the divorce: if you're in a joint property state, the business is already 1/2 yours. But if not, try to start finding ways to document the work you are putting in on the business. Make it clear that you should be considered an important facet of the business and thus deserve at least half of it.

Answer 11

It sounds like he is just doing whatever he wants when he wants and you don't behave like that when you're married marriage should be a 50/50 thing i would say alot of things need to change he needs to be more involved in the marriage and be wiling to compromise and listen to you when you say you are unhappy with something if it doesn't change i would file for divorce because you will just end up extremely unhappy living with this man for the rest of your life you deserve to be in a marriage where your voice is heard and cared about -best wishes to you and your family !