Every time I get into a aurgument with my husband, he leaves the house?

Question

We get into a argument, and he always puts the blame on me, He gets mad, and leaves for a couple hours. When he comes back I'm already sleeping, and so nothing is said! We ususally dont talk for a couple of days after that! So it's never resolved. Do you think it's right for him to leave, instead of staying and working it out?

Answer 1

My husband does the same thing sometimes, and it used to frustrate the heck out of me!

Sounds like classic fight or flight response. Once the situation has escalated to that point he has a choice to make, and he chooses avoidance. Is it possible that there is a history of violence or abuse in his family? Or maybe he has had issues with anger in the past? If so, then it would make sense that he would want to avoid letting an argument ever get to that point. I never disagree with a persons decision to take a step back from a heated situation and clear their heads.

It does sound like there is a bigger issue at hand here though. You might want to ask yourself if it's the argument, or your just your feelings about it, that are not resolved. I know how I can really dig in my heels when I want to work through something. Men often don't see the point of talking through all the details of a fight though, and additionally he may not be talking to you about anything after because he knows that you will bring it up. Unfortunately you will never get the reaction you want when you try to force someone to talk about something they don't want to. The best you can hope for at that point usually is a spiteful response intended to shut you up.

Try not to laugh, but I actually found a lot of luck with the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". He does and excellent job of breaking down the differences between the communication styles of men and women. Although, if this is an ongoing problem, you might want to consider professional counseling.

Just remember, it takes two to fight but only one to say I'm sorry. My point? The only thing you can control is yourself. I wish you the best of luck. :)

Answer 2

"What we have here is a failure to communicate!" (Cool Hand Luke)
You've not given too much detail in this question, but here are some comments that may shed some light on things for you.
This is not a new circumstance, and is played out in probably every marriage at one time or another. If you are confrontive in your approach to bringing up controversial subjects, it may be that he feels ambushed. It may be that he is conflict-avoidant and not terribly invested in revisiting a failed argument, especially one in which he was compelled to leave the house. Unless he feels emotionally unthreatened, he will leave again, which is frustrating to you because you want resolution. Instead of faulting him for leaving, change your strategy so as to increase the likelihood of him staying and discussing the issues. If both of you come out with verbal guns blazing, you won't solve anything, much less be able to discuss. Retreat is always a defensive measure, but does not necessarily mean concession. Find a way to regain mutual trust, and discuss the issues in as neutral a fashion as possible. The moment the blame game begins, the discussion is doomed. Write down all the facts of an issue, and remove any emotion in the descriptors. The more objective you can be, the more you can present your side fairly and evenly. If he continues to respond in a gougy, defensive, blamey, conflict-avoidant kind of way, you will be better able to see how much of the problem is owned by each of you. If he begins to increase his endurance for discussing these things with you (and not leaving), then each of you is doing something right. Good luck~

Answer 3

Send him an email at work or write him a note to leave on the counter.. tell him how you feel.. yes, it is a pathetic excuse for communication, but it is a lot better than not communicating at all.. This will give him a chance to figure things out in his own mind and not get so flustered with the stress of confrontation.
I always walked away from arguments in my marriage when I felt I was acting irrationally .. and saying or doing things I didn't mean. I didn't leave because I wanted the situation to go away, I left because I was mentally overwhelmed and confused by it all.. I needed time to think it through.
For me, it was always much better to get away from the situation for a while when the tension level got too high. It saved me from doing something stupid and regrettable that would only make a bad situation much, much worse.

Answer 4

If it is an extremely heated fight his leaving may very well be in everyones best interest. Then nothing is said or done that can't be taken back. As far as it never getting discussed after that. To me that's on both of you. After he cools off he should come back in a reasonable amount of time ready to talk, and if he doesn't then the next day one of you should bring it up and try to work it out calmly. But if it can't even be discussed without starting another argument, then there's trouble. You each need to give each other 10 minutes of uninterrupted time to talk and start a dialog after that, not an argument. This isn't all his fault. It's a break down in communication.

Answer 5

Most likely he is leaving because he is trying to calm down, some guys use this to prevent themselves from doing something stupid like hitting the woman. So I can understand the wanting to leave for awhile, but it sounds like he knows if he is gone long enough you will go to bed and then he wont have to deal with it. This solves nothing and can actually cause more problems later because it all keeps building up without being taken care of. Sit him down and talk to him, calmly, and let him know that these problems are not going away and could cause more trouble later on. Let him know you are willing to discuss these things in a calm matter and that you understand his need to go for a walk to calm down, but that when he comes back you will still need to resolve the issue at hand.

Answer 6

I think it is right for him to leave ONLY if he is leaving to avoid hurting you (physically or verbally). He should not leave in a fit of rage, but he should calmly tell you that he is too mad right then and needs to leave for a bit to calm down.

At a time when you are not in an argument you should sit down with him (out at a restaurant is a good safe place) and talk to him about what you need from him. Let him know that if he needs to leave during an argument you would appreciate a calm announcement of his plans rather than him storming out. Also let him know that you need to sort things out with him when you have arguments without blaming each other...and when you're both calm.

It's hard to break habits that you've had your entire life...like avoiding issues that need to be dealt with, so try to be patient with him. Good luck.

Answer 7

Wait until your both calm and ask him why does he leave when he is mad.There might be a reason or at least a reason to him that is worthwild. I have gotten so mad that I left calmed down and thoguht things thru then could talk about it. Woman many times want to work things out right then and there where men need to think it thru-calm downa nd then can work it out. But to answer your question YES I think it okay for him to leave the room or area possible even the hosue to think things over but it is wrong that he does not talk about the problem afterwards.....

Answer 8

It depends why he leaves. He may be at the point of getting physical, or he has reached a point that he does not want to say anything more. In a perfect world couples could settle most anything, and go on. Not everyone will want to keep talking. They just want it to stop, and if the other person doesn't they may get real mad or leave to keep from saying something that just makes it worse.

Answer 9

Have you ever walked out on HIM?..
I wonder what he'd think about that.
If he'd be upset than what makes it "ok" for him to do it to you?,,, right?
I would move in between him and the door next time and say something like "Can we sit down and talk this through instead of you leaving".... or... "walk out again and it will be the last" (but only something like that as a last resort)

BUT I would definitely talk first.,.. maybe walking away is his way of cooling down.. then that's probably better than him losing control and hitting you..

maybe you two could talk and you could explain that if you fight, it's OK for him to leave and cool down.. or think things over... BUT it's NOT ok to leave until you are sleeping as a way of copping out...

hope that helps a bit!
my moms a domestic violence councelor so I just told you what I think she would say..:)

Answer 10

Your husband may be 'leaving' instead of restorting to using violence against you. That is a 'good thing' because it means that you aren't getting 'hit' ... but you are also 'right' in wanting to have your 'arguments' resolved ... and that will 'take both of you' work to do. YOU are 'in power' and have to 'make the effort' to fix your problem, and you must 'lead your husband by the hand' because men don't 'deal with relationship difficulties' in the same way that women do.
First, you need to stop 'arguing' ... arguing will get you NOTHING but 'anger' at each other, and I"m guessing that 'both of you' are using 'childish' ways to 'make your point' ... like 'placing blame' and 'using bad names and bad words' ... and THAT DOESN'T WORK as you well know.

You must LEARN to 'discuss' the differences between you in a 'calm and quietly reasonable voice' and to do so in such a way that you are 'enilisting your husband in helping you find a solution' rather than 'blaming him' or 'getting angry at him.' And you MUST REALIZE that you are 'two different individuals' and it's 'not even necessary to agree on EVERY LITTLE POINT '... but that you must 'agree to disagree' on the ones that aren't going to make any 'real difference' and to COMPROMISE on the ones that will. Your 'first step' is not to attack, but to 'ask for his help' ... and state the problem AS IF IT IS ALL YOURS and you really do NEED HIS HELP in solving it. Men are 'physically stronger' than women, but they are not as 'mentally agile' in the same way a woman is ... so you must be careful in the way you 'state' your problem. If he is 'dropping his clothes on the floor and letting you pick up after him' and that's 'driving you crazy' then you must tell him that it's the 'clothes' fault and that you are 'less than a perfect wife' and that 'your back hurts' or you just don't have all the 'time' you would like to do such a thing as remember to pick up his clothes. That will 'give him the option' to say 'then just leave them there' and you MUST DO THAT (and not 'wash them and put them away' until he runs out of clothes and has to pick them up and put them into the hamper himself, or even wash them himself) or he'll start picking up the clothes and putting them into the hamper in the first place. LET HIM DECIDE 'what to do' about 'helping' you in this problem. DO THAT EVERY TIME and you'll stop 'arguing' ...
You must do 'more' though ... which is to start 'neutral conversations' with him about other things ... everything from the weather to his feelings about sports ... and all you really have to do once the conversation is started is 'listen raptly to what he is telling you' so that he will get into the habit of talking with you about everything. Men are really good 'talkers' but they 'must have a good listening audience' ... and most women make the mistake of 'talking at' their men instead of giving them the chance to say something, too.
If necessary, you and your husband may 'opt' to meet with a 'marriage counselor' who will tell you basically the same things I'm telling you here ... and it WILL TAKE A LONG TIME to 'learn and do' this enough so that it becomes 'habit' in place of your 'arguments' ... but if you are really wanting to 'not argue and have him leave' then you must 'find a better way' to tell him when something 'goes wrong' ...