Problems with Mom?

Question

I have had continuous problems with my Mom. I am 33 yrs old. Now she doesn't like my husband. She has gone long periods of time with out talking to me at all. Monday was my birthday and I didn't even get a card. She was abusive (physically) my whole life and now she is emotionally, verbally abusive. I really want a better relationship with her but I also refuse to let her disrespect my husband. He isn't allowed in her home. He's never done anything to me as far as abuse or anything. He's a good husband and makes me happy. Any advice?

Answer 1

I'd say you can't win with a relationship like that with your mother. It sounds like you're the one who is trying and she's either not responding, or responding in a negative way. I would say just end the relationship for good, since she doesn't respect your life or your husband, and your choices you have made. If you really can't see yourself ending the relationship with her, make it a relationship on your terms. Do it so that you're the one calling her, talking to her and if she gets verbally abusive, hang up on her. Tell her you want a relationship with her, but you can't handle it the way it is going. Don't talk to her about your husband, don't go over to her house (with or without him), if you do see her, see her in a neutral place, like a shopping mall or a restaurant or something, so that if she gets verbal towards you, there are other people around. Maybe she won't do it in public. If all your efforts to have a good relationship with your mother fail, then I'd say you have no option but to give up.

Can I ask, where is your Dad in all of this? It might help to talk to him about it, if you have a decent relationship with him, whether or not he and your mom are still together. It might also help, to see a counsellor, either separate or together, if your mom is willing, but I'd only use that as a last resort. Good luck.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, from how you describe her, you do not have a very good mother. Your mother is the problem. There was nothing you could have done to keep her from abusing you and there is nothing you can do to get her to accept you and your husband now. Your mother is not very motherly to you. At this time, you need to deal with the fact that this is just how your mother is. She doesn't sound like someone who you would want your family around. I understand that this is your mother and you want a positive relationship but you must face the reality of the situation. If she does not accept your husband, you should not be in her home. How does that make your husband feel. Protect your own family and stop trying to win affection from a mom who has let you down time after time. You have your own life to build now. Don't let her ruin that.

Answer 3

Here's my advice. I wouldn't continue to keep communication lines open. Let your husband know, it's time for you to move on from her and away from any "clutches" you have. You might also consider counseling. My father was emotionally abusive when we were growing up, I was 32 I think when i got counseling. She made me realize I can't change someone like that, but I can learn how to "defend" myself w/o worrying about reprocussion, and it worked! Neither of you should call or, invite her to anything, or send cards for bdays etc...you've had enough. My father now respects me finally as an adult, I'm 35 years old, I've not married by choice =) he's never said anything nasty since the day I confronted him =)

Answer 4

Hi,
I just don't know what to say exactly, but I will try. My mother was so hateful towards my brother-in-law that she made my sister's life miserable. I moved away so I was spared the same abuse. Just try to remember that the abuse your Mother inflected on you was not your fault. There were things probably going on that had nothing to do with you. It is tragic that you were the one that she used to release her hurt, frustration and fear on. You may not ever have the relationship you want with your Mother. I know it is difficult, but your Mother may not be capable to love you in the way you need her to.

Remember that you need to protect yourself from further abuse and that you remain loyal to your husband. Be strong and if you need to seperate yourself from your Mother then try and do just that. You are an adult and if your Mother can not show the respect to you and your husband then it is her loss. You didn't mention children, but if you have any they need to know, by your example, that you are strong and you can let go and still have a joyful life with or without your Mother. Do not allow your Mother to abuse your children by using you and your husband.

On a personal note, when my sister was dying and I held her in my arms, the only thing she kept asking me was, "Why didn't Momma ever love us?" I still do not have an answer. But I do know that my Mother missed out on so much not only from her children but her grandchildren.

Answer 5

It's totally up to you. And only you truly know your situation. Is she able to give you reason why she doesnt like your husband. And from what you say, perhaps it's time to make a strong decision in your life. One of which may be that she seek professional help to determine if she has a problem.
I wish you the very best. It's not easy to make a choice between parent and mate. But that may be what is required if there's no possible way for your mom to accept your mate.

Answer 6

hey well i would say ur mom sounds like ur parents are divorce and divorce can make people do wierd things like that. Like not want to see the other person ect. Ur dad is right now being more mature about it, and being the bigger person. If i were u id ask ur mom if maybe when she picks u up she doesnt have to come in she can hong on the horn in the car and she can drop u off down the street something like that. or i would talk to ur dad about getting more of a joint costudy going so u can be with him more. Also instead of staying home alone u can hang out with friends, go to movies, bike rides, walks, neighbours ect. good luck! ali

Answer 7

Sometime there are bad people for your life, it's sad when it's your family. When your mother continues to be abusive, even though it's not physical, like she is doing now, it's impossible to move past it. I know it hurts, from person expierence, but sometimes it's best for you to move past & know that if SHE'S ever willing to admit her mistakes & make moves to correct them, you'll leave the door open. Until then though, it's really best to keep your distance & be thankful of the family you have in your life who are positive & supporitve.

Answer 8

Hmmm, part of your story sounds like mine. Fortunately, my mother likes my husband.

Why does it matter so much to you? I mean, you are a grown woman, you have a life of your own, and yet it seems like you're still seeking acceptance from your mother.

If and when your mother calls next, and she invites you over for dinner, let her know if your husband isn't welcome then you would rather not come over. By disrespecting your husband, she's disrespecting you.

Hubby makes you happy, Momma doesn't. Really, is this that hard a question?

Answer 9

I have a similar past with my mother. I have reached this conclusion. I cannot change her. She is who she is. I can accept her this way, or choose to not have anything to do with her.
I want to ask you a question. Do you like spaghetti? Most do, so I am going to say yes. Well, then do you like meat balls with your spaghetti? Most do, so I am going to say yes to this as well. Well, then lets say I invite you over for dinner, and I tell you that I am going to make spaghetti and meat balls. You come over and I regret to inform you that I wasn't able to make the meat balls. Are you going to go home and not even try the spaghetti at all? Probably you won't, and most likely will just appreciate that I made spaghetti.
You have to do this with your mom. You have to accept what she has to offer even though it is not all you may have liked for her to offer.

Answer 10

You need to tell you mom that you want a relationship, but give her your terms and conditions. If she violates those terms you set forth, then you need to move forward without her as part of your life.

If she won't accept your husband, then tell her she is not going to have you either.

Bottom line is you need to be happy in this life. If mom makes you unhappy, eliminate her from your life.