What's up with this?

Question

Ok.....my husband and I have been having problems...I think he's cheating or at least coming very close to it (see my other questions).....he knows how I feel...I have become more vocal ..and I am concerned about something.....My husband and I have shared our passwords with each other for our emails, myspace, etc.....and every once in a while we check each others accounts....well last night I was checking one of his accounts and found that he had changed his password....Am I wrong to be upset that he changed it????? I feel very confused about this....I understand that everyone has a need for privacy, but I just assumed that when your married you shouldn't have anything to hide....especially with emails and stuff....He has all my passwords and can access my accounts at anytime....he has that right as my husband...but now I feel even more that something is going on....I know this may seem a bit trite but I am at the end of a very frayed rope.....HELP!!!!!!

I didn't ask him for the new password because I felt that if he wanted me to have it...he would have told me in the first place.....

We didn't exhange passwords to keep peace so to speak....we have just told each other our passwords...personally I have no problem with him checking my stuff because I have nothing to hide

And yes I have trust issues with him.....he has done things in the past few months for my trust to waver almost to the point of being non-existent

As a response to joycee.....I have NO control over his life...its actually the other way around.....I have to ask him before I do anything.....and he gets on my case on everything from friends to cleaning to my job....he does what he wants and hardly ever talks to me about it before hand........and I let him do it because I want him to feel respected and that he is NOT being controlled........which is why it hurts so bad I guess

Answer 1

You just ask him and talk to him. Don't ASSume anything!

Answer 2

Why do you ask his permission before doing anything? You are an adult. You are not a child and he is not your daddy.
He couldn't possibly respect you. Stop doing that. Do what you are going to do and don't even consider asking "permission" from anybody. I don't respect you just from reading your post alone. However, it wouldn't take long at all to completely turn that all around and gaining respect. Just act like a take-charge adult, since it is truly what you are deep, deep down inside. People respect confidence. They wipe their feet on doormats. Don't be a doormat.

The password thing is just a by-product of lack of respect.
People who cheat don't respect their spouse. Therefore, you are on target in suspecting something shady with this password stuff. It could be an innocent reason, but why the password is unknown to you isn't even the point. It's the mistrust that's disturbing.

You have a lot of work to do within yourself and in dealing with him and "this. Hang in there and good luck. You're stronger than you ever thought and deserve the best just by virtue of being a living, breathing, decent human being....and this is NOT the best. Not even close.

I can tell you are an intelligent, educated, worthy and interesting person, just by your writing style, grammar and excellent command of constructing an English paragraph!

Answer 3

Yes ask him why he changed his password, chances are he won't tell you the truth anyway. Note this as the first red flag. I strongly suggest you move up and make yourself be heard. Do not allow him to control your life. He will respect you more if you show some independence, Surprise him every now and then let him know you are capable of making correct decisions. I am hopping you do not come across any more flags because a heartbreak is nothing I wish on my worst enemy.If you notice him making changing such as clothes. time to himself, overtime at work etc. Do not accuse him of anything unless you see him with your own eyes, because that is what he would say to you, that you have not seen him with anyone else. Instead give it time then follow him. Most of all do not ignore the red flags. I did and I have regrets and suffered a major heartbreak. I would have done things different. Good luck Lady I wish you well.

Answer 4

Also keep in mind it could be innocent. I deal with a lot of different online services like email, and once I simply forgot my password and had to get another. And another time the service itself changed the password automatically (this was not for an email account but a different online service that had sensitive information) - they said for security purposes I had to change my password to something new at least once a year.

So while rare, something like this could have come up.

Or he could be simply feeling the stress of being 'watched all the time', lack of trust etc, and this might be his passive aggressive way of lashing out.

Or he may be wondering how often you're checking, and changed it to see if you'd notice.

Or you may be misremembering or mistyping the password (sometimes something as simple as not capitalizing a letter can do it)

Your best bet is to quietly ask him why you can't access the account.

Also I haven't read your other questions, but such a state of distrust where each of you feel you have to check up every hour of the day on the other isn't healthy. Neither of you will ever be able to relax, or view the other person as someone you can be safe with and have trust in.

Edit: went back and looked at your other questions, particularly describing how your husband is off with the female married friend all the time, sometimes up to 3 hours late coming home, makes no secret he is out with her, etc. Meanwhile he calls and 'checks up' on you to make sure your not messing around and gets angry when you have brief phone conversations with old friends from out of state.

Sorry about this, and even sorrier to say that his actions speak pretty loudly that he is not to be trusted (the most jealous and suspicious, controlling types are often the most likely to to be cheating themselves - they are projecting what they would do in your shoes). Also his behavior is way out of line. I'm all for not making assumptions and giving husbands leeway to hang out with friends, but this does not fall in that category in my opinion.

I hate to say it but unless he makes a real change, he probably isn't going to change at all - this is who he is and what you'll have to put up with (and worse as he continues to isolate you) as long as you are together with him. Don't stay in an unhealthy relationship.

God bless and good luck.

Answer 5

This is very wrong of him,,,,, He makes sure he has your passwords to check on you and your accounts, thou for his accounts he has changed passwords,, Hmmmmmm, pretty suspicious sounding I would say,, Appears to be that he is doing something he doesn't want you to know about,, He is not being fair or honest to you,,, Tell him you want to check account in question,, and right at that time, dont allow him a chance to change something in account, or foreward or move it,, Demand that you see it ,right at time you question it,,,
The least he could have done, was to let you know that he changed his mind and wanted to give you both more privacy and let you change your passwords also,, You need to be honest and truthful with one another,, I can see no reason why all at once he would change his password,,Why didnt he let you know ahead of time he wanted to do this ? I bet he sure wouldn't like it if you was one who changed password without telling him !! I would say he has got some explainning to do

Answer 6

he is either cheating or something in the relationship has come to an end. If you ask him what is his new passwords and he doesn't want to give it to you . Then you know that there's something that he is doing. Change your password. I can tell you this... It is hard living with a person you can't trust,but you just love them. I hope this works out for you ......

Answer 7

Girl stop trippin' and get a new password for yourself and DO NOT share it. Thats why they are called passwords. DANG!!! I know u dont have anything to hide. Just let him experience on his own how it feels. And take back the power u gave him to boss u around. Remember u are an equal in this marriage.

Answer 8

Of course ask him why he changed his password. Ask him what is up.
But if someone wants to cheat, all they have to do is have an e-mail account that you don't know about and not tell you. It's as simple as that. It's nice to have all this stuff 'open' for the other person to look at but it's no guarantee that there isn't deceit.

Answer 9

First of all shame on you for sharing passwords don't you trust each other.
There has to be some space between couples otherwise you both become one rather than remaining individuals.
Trust is a major key in all relationships.
Now because he changed the password he's brought up suspicion in you.

Answer 10

If you two agreed to exchange passwords to each other's e-mail accounts to keep peace in the marriage, then tell him you noticed he changed his password and you would like to have the new one.

I don't know what type of problems you two are having but I will say this - if the computer (internet) is causing a lot of fights in your marriage then it is time to get rid of it. What's more important - a computer or the marriage? Neither one of you will die without internet access, trust me.

Answer 11

Maybe if you gave him and yourself some sense of privacy in the first place..he wouldn't feel the need to run and keep things to himself. Everyone needs some type of "their own" and sounds like he is running from someone who is controling the situation because he has given everything up and wants his life to be HIS life.

You have no right to be upset over the password. A marriage is a shared life..Not ownership papers