How can I change my inlaws behaviour (particularly etiquette) in my home, without offending them?

Question

My husbands family really annoy me with some of their behaviour, particularly at the dinner table. I don't think I expect too much but it really upsets me when they:
1. Do not wash their hands before preparing food.
2. Use their hands instead of the utensils when taking food from the centre of the table.
3. Cut open bread rolls straight on the table (scratching it), instead of on their plate.
4. Spill food and drinks every single time.
5. Chip crystal glasses by clinking them together too hard.
6. Allow their children to sit on their feet at the table, hence scratching our leather chairs with their shoes.
My husband and I have discussed it and he agrees for the most part that this behaviour is not ok. But, he is hesitant to bring it up, for fear of making them feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I told him that he should be the one to say something as it is his family, and I offered to address any issues he has with my family.
Can anyone offer any good advice please?

Answer 1

Do they behave this way in their own homes? If not, they may be deliberately annoying you and there may not be much you can do. If so, they may truly not know better and may need gentle guidance. As you proceed to wash your own hands before preparing food, have a guest towel handy and hand it to whoever is getting ready to help you with a sweet smile and a subtle comment such as: "here is a towel for you to dry with after you wash your hands". If you are seated far enough away when one of them reaches for food with their hands rather than utensils and can pull this off legitimately, you can try sounding very embarrassed and say..."oh! I'm so sorry, did I forget the serving spoon for the potatoes?"and begin to rise from your chair to go get one. As to cutting bread and rolls directly on table, try using bread and butter plates at each place setting and just before everyone begins to eat, gently say, "the little round plates are for the bread tonight". I have no idea how to prevent food and beverage spills other than to perhaps use a plastic tablecloth under your regular one to protect the table. Chipped crystal? Use cheap, sturdier glassware when they visit. As for how the children sit, if they are too short to reach the table comfortably without their feet under them, place cushions on the chairs and indicate they are to help them sit higher so they don't need to put their feet under them. You may have to make these changes gradually, one at a time so as not to overwhelm them.

Answer 2

1. Do not wash their hands before preparing food.

Before they begin helping you with the food, usher them to the sink. Have a brand-new bottle of handsoap ready. Tell the offender, "Oh, I wanted to get your opinion of this new soap I saw! How do you like it? What do you think of [the lather, the scent, the feel]?" Repeat as necessary until they get the idea.

2. Use their hands instead of the utensils when taking food from the centre of the table.

Several choices: one, walk around the table with the food dish and the serving utensil, and serve each person yourself; plate the foods onto individual dishes in the kitchen before you bring them out; or when you see them reaching bare-handed, exclaim "Oh, please, use the [tongs, spoon, fork, whatever], it's much more convenient!" (Be prepared for some comment like "hands were created before tongs" or whatever.)

3. Cut open bread rolls straight on the table (scratching it), instead of on their plate.

Easy one here: pre-cut the rolls before you bring them to the table.

4. Spill food and drinks every single time.

Try different kinds of plates and glasses; if that doesn't work, just get big place-mats and resign yourself to washing them often.

5. Chip crystal glasses by clinking them together too hard.

Never, ever, ever set the table with any kind of plate or glass that you would regret having chipped, scratched or broken. There are lots of nice-looking inexpensive glass stemware and drinking glasses available. Use them.

6. Allow their children to sit on their feet at the table, hence scratching our leather chairs with their shoes.

Make the youngsters take their shoes off; alternatively, sit the kids on stools where it isn't comfortable to sit on their feet.

Basically, you've got an up-hill pull here. It's obvious that you and your in-laws have different values about the sanctity of mealtime and mealtime behavior. I think you need to decide how much of a battle you want to fight, and whether it's worth a fight at all in some cases. I had to deal with this sort of thing 29 years ago when my husband and I married. His family had one basic rule for dinnertime: father served himself first, and after that it was each person for him/herself, and all was fair as long as no blood was drawn. Took some getting used to, some accomodation, and some honest heart-to-heart about some issues.

Yes your husband should talk to his family. And yes you should loosen up a bit and try to head the barbarians off at the pass, so to speak, by managing meals so that some of the worst issues are avoided.

Good luck and I hope you reach an accomodation all can live with.

Answer 3

When one of these things you listed happens, tell the in laws right away what your expectations are in your house..I think your husband should begin the conversation with them like, " Aren`t you going to wash your hands"? When one of them just sits down at the table without washing or if they just used the bathroom I know how you feel, my inlaws are pigs...Especially when they cut up your table. That`s not acceptable!! Your husband should definitely say something when they start wrecking your home.

Answer 4

You have a right to a certain standard of behaviour in your own home no matter who is visiting.
If you husband refuses to speak to them then you will need to.
State your grievance in a straightforward manner.
Do not say, for example: I don't think the children should sit at table that way. Instead say, in our home children sit.. or do.. this way and I will appreciate if the children could sit quietly whilst we have a meal at the table.
You get my drift? No name calling, no tantrums, no insults,
If the situation does not improve then you will need to stop inviting them over.

Answer 5

Hi, Muslims identical to another individual in the world. We have the identical emotions, the identical common sense and the identical expertise! So for those who feel that whatever would offend you, it might do the identical to a Muslim however we're a lot more touchy with reference to our Religion and our prophet. So, for those who admire us and admire our faith and prophet Mohammed May Allah's peace and advantages bu upon him and Allah's messengers, then why will have to we be indignant so long as you deal with us respectfully and in well manners! Don't fear my pal, we're simply peaceable and loving folks so long as we don't seem to be harm and this is applicable to you too! Regards,

Answer 6

that is a very touchy subject i don't think you can discuss it without hurting at least one person feelings though,but i do agree it have to be done since you don't want the things that you work so hard for to be ruined,good luck with this touchy problem