Trouble with mom?

Question

I don't know what to do. I'm 18 without a car, homeschooled and I'm the oldest. (I'm home alot and I don't want to be.) Most of my friends live about an hour and half away... It seems like every time I turn around Mom and I are fighting again. I plan on being home about 8 or so months more and I want to leave on good terms. I think that she is having a very hard time with me growing up (I'm also the only daughter) and the tension is coming to the surface as fights. I don't want it to be this way. I'm also not keen on confronting her about it. We are both very emotional and I don't know if it would be worth it to bring it up when I don't know what to say/do.. Please help!

Answer 1

hi.. sorry to hear you're having these problems.

this is one of the troubles with home schooling... the apron strings are way too tight and parents have an unusual (in my observation) relationship with their kids.. they seem to keep them sheltered from the world, and can't seem let go even if the child wants to go to a friend's...

i'm sure your mother is having difficulty seeing you're growing up.

you could ask your mother to sit down and have a calm conversation. ask her if she'd listen to you first and then comment when you're finished.

you could tell your mother that you really appreciate all she has done for you, and you respect and trust her. you might say that you'd like her to trust you, as well. Let her know how you are feeling lonely, left out, and alienated from your friends, and that you need to see them and do things with people your own age. If you are feeling trapped, tell her. Ask if she would please take the time to consider letting you drive.

Also, you might ask her what you can do to improve your relationship with her, and to receive some trust from her in return.

i think that, if you sit down and let your mother know how you FEEL and ask her for her trust and some freedom, she may ponder it, and consider your feelings and needs.

If you have a father around, perhaps consider including him in the conversation as well. Two heads are sometimes better than one, and perhaps your parents could come up with a compromise and give you more freedom.

i think that's the best you can do, and i hope it works out. take good care, hon.

Answer 2

Wow. What a situation...only girl, huh? Of course you don't want to be "this way" - don't blame you. Perhaps it is indeed, time to spread your "wings" a bit and "fly" away for awhile dear, if you can safely do so (i.e., college or living on your own with a friend, etc.)

Perhaps the answer is to do the leaving in 8 months...be apart for a little while and then return for a visit, or write her a letter telling her how you feel now...the latter gives her something to think about before you leave and might be a better way of handling the situation.

Must be very hard...my guess is she loves you very much and you her...tread as softly as you can, but try to communicate - if not through a "scene" that you're both concerned about emotions, write a heartfelt letter...tell her you'll be leaving the "nest" soon - you love her and will miss her, but want her support and love - that you'll ALWAYS be her daughter. -And maybe, just maybe, that will turn the "key" of communication for you honey.

Best of luck...your intentions are well meaning and it does sound like you're in a difficult spot. You can do this!

Grace

Answer 3

You know what? That you are aware of this picture as much as you are speaks well of your powers of observation.

I am very impressed!

You have been kept from some very important learning experiences by being homeschooled and this is going to change. Mom has done everything that is humanly possible to protect you, and her motives are not questionable, however, there is a point where she can only hurt you by trying to protect you further.

You a legally an adult, and it is time you made your own decisions and mistakes. You can always ask her opinion on any issue you deem her input as worth considering, but in the end you have to make the decision you feel is appropriate.

Put your anger and tension away, and let mom see that you won't argue with her, any more. Grab her and hug her, and tell her that you refuse to spend the rest of your time under her roof arguing with her, that you love her, and that you will always value her opinion, but, you are going to make you own decisions from now on. Car or no car, you can walk or ride a bike anywhere you want to, and Millions of Europeans do it every day. I did it when I was your age.

I lived 10 miles from town, and had no car until one of my best friends loaned me his, cause he was out of state. You got a great mom, and it is time to let her know that you really are happy that she is there, but, you are not a child anymore.

You might be surprised how quickly she realizes that you are an adult once you just let her blow off her steam without retaliation. Just smile when it happens, and pat her on the shoulder. "Your such a great Mom."

It will drive her crazy, until she figures out that you have out manuvered her, and defused the situation.

Answer 4

It sounds as if you know there is a lot of tension and want to ease it but don't know how. One night when your mom and you are fighting put on a pot of water for tea and ask her if you two could talk, like adults and friends. Grab a cup of tea and sit down at the kitchen table. Explain to her that you've notice that the two of you have been at each other, sometimes for apparently little things or almost nothing, and that you are concerned and don't know what you've been doing to contribute to it and want to work with her to alleviate these issues (you can make a list of the things you two often fight about) and how the two of you can work together to get along and come up with a "game plan" to get it accomplished. (Write down her suggestions and what you two agree to). Approach this in an adult and mature fashion and she will probably treat you with respect, etc. Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 5

That's a tough one..
Maybe you could find a group activity to sign up for (something you could walk to or take the bus to?) just to get out of the house and hang out with some new people. This could be some kind of craft, an aerobics or dance class, whatever.
Then, I know it will be hard, but you must talk to your mom. Tell her how you are feeling right now. Give her examples of how you are not a child anymore. Most of all make sure she knows you will not be abandoning her. Tell her you want your relationship with her to evolve- into an adult relationship.
I wish you luck! My mom had a hard time when I moved out- she wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days.. but now our relationship is even better than when I was living at home.

Answer 6

If you are fighting that much ask yourself if what you are fighting about really matters in the long wrong? It takes two to argue - is it really necessary to express your opinions or comments when your mom makes one you don't agree with? Why? Again - in the grand scheme of things do most of these things even matter?

It takes two to argue - 8 months is a short period of time to bite your tongue and do what you have to do to keep peace in your home. Be the more mature person.

Answer 7

Your mom has probably depended on you, you are her right hand "man". She is probably a little depressed that her only daughter is a woman now and will be going out on her own which is normal. She just needs to know that, even though you will be moving out on your own, she has to trust that she did a good job raising you and it's time to let you spread your wings. Be the confident mature daughter she raised you to be and sit down and talk to her, woman to woman. She will still be a little depressed and worried, she is a mom after all, but she will see that this is what rearing children is all about..letting them go.

Answer 8

You are going to have to talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. Sometime it's hard to let our children go after they've grown up but if WE(the parents) have taught our children well and they know right from wrong then that makes the transition a little easier. Let her know that you need a life and that she has taught you well, if there are trust issues bring them to the table. Be frank and forward. It will work out. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

in some ways i can understand your mom.
she's just a mother who cared for her ONLY DAUGHTER.
i know you don't feel good about what she's doing,
i think the best thing you can do to tell her everything about what you feel about the situation is to write her a letter.
sometimes we want to say a lot but we can't but if you write it you can say everything what you wanted to.
maybe after she read it she will understand how you feel.
i hope this helps.
and i hope everything between you and your mom
will be fine.
mothers day is soon.
good luck..

Answer 10

just go ahead and tell ur mom how u feel she will understand