whats the funniest joke you ever heard?

Answer 1

women's rights

Answer 2

Mike and Bob are talking and Mike tells Bob about this ultra clean restuarant he ate in and recommends it to his friend. Bob reminds Mike that he is very particular about everything and can't stand the thought that maybe someone with dirty hands might have touched his food. That is why he never eats out. Mike assures him that this place is spotless and the waiters even use little silver tongs to serve the food so that the food is not touched by their hands. Bob, against his better judgement, decides to check out the place and is amazed at what he finds. The place is spotless, the waiters are very clean and well groomed, the food, which is wonderful, is served on covered silver trays, and the food is moved from the tray to his plate with little silver tongs.

After the meal, Bob tells the waiter how much he appreciates having a place like this to come to, sense he is so particular.
The waiter understands completely and tells Bob that his boss is every bit as particular as Bob. In fact, he tells Bob, we have to show up an hour early to shower and shave here so the boss knows we are clean and our uniforms are all laundered here as well. In fact, he confides, he even makes us tie a small string to the end of our penis so that if we have to go to the bathroom, on our shift, we can just reach in a pull on the string instead of touching our penis with our hands!
Wow, that's wonderful, exclaims Bob.....but you have peaked my curiosity........how do you put the penis back? Well, says the waiter, I don't know about the rest of the guys............but, I use these little silver tongs!!

Answer 3

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Answer 4

this is probz not the funniest but it made me laugh all the same lol it a bit rude so i'll use reasonable words... :

There's a Bannana, A Marrow, And a willy...
The Bannana says: "when i'm big plump and juicy, i get pulled off the tree and sold to waitrose"

The Marrow says: "when i'm big plump and juicy, i get yanked out of the ground and sold to Tesco...

And the willy says: "when i'm big plump and juicy, i get a rubber tent stuck over me, i get shoved into a dark cave, and i get my head banged against the wall until i throw up..." XD XD

bit sick huh?

Answer 5

There are three girls that go to school together and their moms are all friends. The girls mother's are a blonde, a brunette, and black hair. They were all sitting around talking together at one of their houses. The brunette told the others, "I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I cant believe she smokes!". The black haired mother said, "I found a beer bottle in my daughters trash, i cant believe she drinks!". The blonde haired mother replied, "Well i found a condom in my daughter's trash can, I can believe she has a dick!!"

Answer 6

Probably Steven Wright's bit about wanting to get a full body tattoo of himself.

Only taller.

Answer 7

A mother superior at the convent gathers her nuns together and announces, "We have a case of Gonorrhea in the church," One young nun speaks up, " Oh, thank God, I was getting sick of Chardonnay!"

Answer 8

What about the homosexual Scotsman, he preferred Pete(peat) to Heather. Sad horse goes into a bar, bartender says "why the long face"?
Wee Jeannie has her first period and sits on the road crying, Jimmy comes along and asks her why she is crying....She shows him between her legs, "Oh my God" shouts Jimmy, "someone's cut your c*** off"

Answer 9

HMO in Heaven

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''

Answer 10

Adam and eve, the true story.
Eve was created first and she had three boobs, she said to god that it was a little uncomfortable so he agreed to remove the middle one as it was not doing much for her. Soon after she asked god to make her some company as she was bored. "Good idea" said god "I will make you a mate, now where did i put that useless tit".

Answer 11

It was one i saw on here...

what's brown and hairy on the outside,
soft and moist on the inside,
starts with a c,
ends in a t
and has a u and n in the middle...

...a coconut!

i spit coke when i first read it!