about cutting?

Question

i still have strong feelings for this girl who use to like me too, but we now live 500 miles away and are dating other people... but tonight she told me that she was cutting herself and hadn't told anybody else. i don't know what i can do bc of the distance so i just gave her my phone number and told her to call me if she ever felt like hurting herself. was this the right thing to do? why would she not talk to me for a while then come to me with this? what does that mean?

Answer 1

She is in NO way cutting herself merely because she wants attention. She is cutting herself because of some emotion inside of her that she feels she can't control and for her, this is the only way she feels she can control the pain/confusion/sadness (or whatever the emotion may be). Telling her to call you was a good thing to do. If she feels she can talk to you about what she's feeling, that may stop her from cutting. It is, however, no guarantee. She obviously has some painful isses that she doesn't know how to deal with. The fact that she told you about it shows that she is unhappy with what she is doing and wants to change it.

I cut myself for almost 6 years, and for a while, I honestly didn't know why I did it. I just felt like I had to somehow. And it may be the same way for her. She may feel like this is just something she has to do but not understand why. It wasn't until I went into counseling that I finally began to understand that feeling that were causing me to do this, and it still took a very long time for me to come to terms with those issues and stop cutting myself.

Cutting is often an attempt to control something. The cutter feels that she cannot control her emotions, so she focuses on something she can control. It is also often because the person feels scarred on the inside and they feel they must be scarred on the outside too. Or it may be that they pain and emotions they feel are so strong that this is the only way they feel they can release that pain (turning emotional pain into physical pain). In the end, it all comes back to an attempt to control and release certain emotions.

I would try to talk to your friend and see if you can't get her into counseling. She may be reluctant to this idea (I know I was). So if not, ask her to stop before she cuts and think about exactly what she is feeling, and why it is that she needs to do this to herself.

This is a very serious issue that needs to be dealt with. Until she understands why she is doing it, she won't be able to stop it. If she is already fortunate enough to understand exactly what it is that brings her to cut herself, then she needs to start focusing on that issue and trying to overcome it. This is not going to be an overnight thing. If she is unwilling to go to counseling, the best thing you can do is to be there for her when she needs you to be. Talking about the problem and coming to terms with it is the only way to end it.

I understand exactly what your friend is going through, having gone through it myself. She is fortunate to have a friend who cares enough to try and help her.

And, again, I just want to re-iterate that this is NOT just to get attention. If anything, cutters most often shy away from attention, and try to hide their scars from people, and do NOT go around telling people about them. This is why she did not come to you sooner--it is an embarrassing and painful problem, and cutters are often afraid that if they tell someone, they will be shunned or ridiculed or misunderstood. Since your friend did finally come to you about this, this shows that she trusts you. She has already begun the healing process by admitting the problem and discussing it with someone. And trust me, this is a HUGE step. I hid my cutting for almost 5 years before I ever told anyone about it. .The only thing you can do at this point is try to get her into counseling. I would also encourage her to discuss her problems with her parents so that they can get her the help that she needs. If she is unwilling to talk to her parents, you need to let them know. This may cause a rift in the friendship and may result in her not speaking to you for a while, but it's better for your friend to get the help she needs (and chances are, once she's gotten help, she will come back and thank you--this is what I did when one of my friends went to the police about my problem). She may also try speaking to a school counselor who may be able to help her or at least refer her to someone who can. If your friend starts having suicidal thoughts, she can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-784-2433. It may be a good idea to give her this number anyway even if she has expressed no suicidal thoughts, becuase with self-mutilation, thoughts of suicide are almost inevitable.

I wish the best for you and your friend, and God bless you both.

Answer 2

I used to be a cutter. I was around 13-14 years old.

Here's the psychology behind it. Cutters are typically suffering from severe depression and/or anxiety. The emotional pain and self HATRED one can experience with depression is excruciating.

Many cutters invoke physical pain in order to distract themselves from the emotional pain. Since physical pain is easier to deal with, it gives cutters the illusion that their suffering is managable.

I was lucky enough to get through it on my own. Essentially I was so concerned with my looks that I didn't want any more scarring, so I stopped. However, a great number of cutters won't be as concerned about appearances, or cut themselves in places that are less visible.

When I got older, I substituted cutting with tattoos. Tattoos also served as a reminder of the turmoil I was experiencing at the time. The pain grounds me in reality and assures me that life is not the illusion. Because tattoos can be so expensive, I am able to resist tattooing every inch of my body, lol.

If she has told you she is doing this, then she WANTS HELP. It is possible she can't get through this on her own, she needs to to talk to a doctor.

You are going to encounter a lot of resistance if you ask her to tell her doctor. She will likely get ticked at you, stop calling you, or lie to you telling you that it was a joke, or that she has stopped doing it. If you suspect this is the case, tell one of her relatives or someone she can confide in, or who has the authority to get her to a doctor.

Good luck, you're in for a tough ride.

Answer 3

How old is she?? I have to agree that she wants attention, and she wants all the wrong kind of attention. You can not help her with the cutting. When someone is cutting themselves, it goes much deeper than "I need someone to listen to me." There are very deep problems there and she needs help, not just attention. I work with the Jackson County Child Advocacy center and have known too many girls that cut themselves. You need to tell her that she needs to contact a local Child or Teen advocacy center in her area. She needs to talk with someone who knows how she is feeling better than even she does. Most people who cut themselves are in shut down mode, and don't know how to feel anymore. If you try to help her without professional help, she will do everything she can to suck you into the same emotional limbo that she is in. Step cautiously and help her get the professional help she really needs. It is good that she has your number. There is nothing wrong with her calling you, and there is nothing wrong with you caring about her. Let her know that you care, and that you care enough to help her get the help she needs. BUT! Be Cautious! I went through this with my sister, and with my son. There is a good chance that she has been traumatized in some way, and if this is true, your caring for her will only put a bandaid on the wounds. She has to heal the emotional wounds before she can learn how to be invovled in even friendship relationships.

Answer 4

It means that she values your opinion and trusts you. Maybe she feels like she can't talk to anyone else. The best thing for you to do is be there for her and tell her that cutting herself doesn't do anything to her but damage, and you don't want to see her get hurt like that. Every girl wants to feel valued; if she knows that she is valuable, she won't feel the need to cut herself. Remind her, even if not directly, that you think she is special.

Answer 5

it could mean that she has a lot of prob lems she dont know how to take care of i had the same prob....she prob told you because maybe the biggest prob is being so far way from you that would deff drive a firl to cut herself if she feels she cant do nothing about it i believe you did do the right thing for now but if she starts telling you she wants to die and stuff like that i would call her parents no matter how mad she will get mad at you and tell them since your so far away they would be able to help her also advise her to talk to a counciler they sound horrible but they can help her with working out her problems tell her she dont have to tell them she cuts her self its just so she can get help with her probs but like i said it she dont start feelin better in a couple of weeks to a month and it gets worse, call her parents one day just call her house and be like are you the mother/father of who ever your friend is and tell them she may get mad but its worth it you wouldnt be able to live with yourself if she killed herself if you didnt try to help her

Answer 6

She wants your attention and she want's to know you still care and will worry about her. If she really is cutting herself and you believe her, you might want to contact her parents and alert them. You are 500 miles away. They can likely get her the help she really needs.

Answer 7

This girl has serious problems that you can't help with. Just doing what you are is hurting more than helping her. Don't have any contact with her, you are going to be part of the problem as she will use you to create reasons to hurt herself.

Answer 8

trust me ...she wants to see how much you care about her ... and if u really do care ...keep on calling her and ask her whats wrong and you'll be there for her blab blab blaaa... and just make her talk to you ... then you can find out the real truth.

Answer 9

that she wants attention