Why does she do that?

Question

Alright so my best friend is one of those people who INSIST on paying for everything. Even when you try and pay for yourself, or if you try and pay her back for the money she spent on you.

*Anyways I feel like a total jerk of a friend, because whenever we go out she always foots the bill.
And I mean it was okay maybe the first couple of times...but now...it's just irritating me. It sucks though too at the same time, because whenever I tell her "Hey I'll pay for myself, don't worry about it." OR "I will pay you back." She totally will NOT accept any money I try and re-pay her back with.??!!
.So I am not sure if she is only footing the bill(s) because she doesn't want to look "cheap" or something? But it's odd because she should not reject me paying her back for footing a bill that I was part of.
.BUT that is my problem...she WONT accept my money for paying her back? Why? I'm also not sure if she is only doing this just to be able to say she does, or to use it against me later.

*So don't get me wrong...I DO try and give her money to pay her back.
***I was thinking we could start just doing a rotating deal, like when we go out she can pay and then the next time we go out I will pay for us.*** Just so it's even and there is no guilt for me.
~So I've decided not to let her pay for me anymore, because I think she also might be doing it as a means to use against me later, saying "Oh yeah well I bought this this and this for you..." type of thing.

~FYI: She never once has told or asked me to repay her for anything. Okay.
.Not that it makes it right not to. ~

**So is the rotating thing a good idea...or should we just stick to footing our own bills and keep them separate?**

**Oh yes, I must mention...that I DO have a good paying job. I can afford to go out anytime I want to...and foot my own bill(s) when we go out.***
Just so you all know...I'm not like a lazy bum w/ no job or something I do work everyday full-time. :):)

Answer 1

I am a single (divorced) adult woman. I have a good job and make a decent salary. My children are adults (but still just babies to me) living on their own in other parts of the country and the company I work for is 300 miles from my home so I spend very little time (less than 3 months a year) at home. I have a very good friend who lives across the street who collects the mail and looks after my house when I am away. Without her, I would not be able to travel as I do. The arrangement works for both of us; she has used my house for various reasons when I've been away. When I am at home we do something together at least once a week. No matter what we do, we always manage to include food! If we're working around the house, we order in, if we're out we have lunch in a restaurant. When it's just the two of us, I USUALLY PAY.

Why do I insist on paying for both of us? It's definitely not because I feel superior or want to use it against her later. I just don't know of any other way to thank her for all she (and her family) does for me. I've been included in her family functions more times than I can count. There have been dinners out with her and her husband that cost a lot more than several lunches combined. I've been a third, a fifth and on a few occasions a second wheel when she wasn't able to go someplace and tickets were already purchased. I once went to a play with her mother because her son was performing and her mother was not able to go the same night as she and her husband had planned to attend. She bought tickets for the next night to take her mother then wasn't able to go, so I went.

The point that I'm taking so long to get to is that your friends’ motives may be totally innocent. She may appreciate your company and friendship more than you realize and just not know of a better way to express it. If she is able to afford it and if we aren't talking about outrageous amounts of money I don't see a problem. If you feel awkward being on the getting end all of the time, find another way to give back. Help her with some big tasks before she asks. As long as you feel you are giving back to the relationship as much as you are getting from it, you have no reason to feel like a "jerk".

My one concern with your question is the last line:
"I'm also not sure if she is only doing this just to be able to say she does, or to use it against me later."
If you feel that this is something she is capable of, you might want to reevaluate the whole friendship. Friends don't "use things against" friends.

Answer 2

I think that insisting on rotating the bills is a great idea, and you will have to be firm on that when the time comes for you to pay. Maybe if you go out to a restaurant or something, slip away toward the end of dinner and get a credit card to your server away from the table so you don't have a wrestling match over the bill when it arrives.

Some people find it hard to accept generosity from others with grace. I've met lots of people who can't accept a gift, or can't allow someone else to pay, or can't take a compliment well. It is sometimes a challenge to let down your guard enough to allow someone else to pay for you. Be graceful when she pays, don't make a big deal about it, and pressure her to do the same. Otherwise your friendship will never be on equal footing.

Answer 3

personally i think the rotating thing is a good idea.does she know that its annoying you that she pays all the time?i mean have you told her or shown her? you should get it straight the next time you go out.Say right at the start 'Look i'm paying this time,and you can pay next time' Let her know that it is unfair and making you feel bad.If she is a true friend she will respect your feelings. If she still insists on paying ask her straight out 'why?' and see what she says, if all else fails tell her you wont go out with her again until the bills are split evenly.

Answer 4

Maybe you can buy her a special gift as a thank you. Figure out the equivalent of what she has spent and pick up something special for her - some jewelry, a CD or a piece to something she collects. You can include a card that says "Glad were friends" or "Just because". This way you can reciprocate without starting a power struggle.

Answer 5

Does she have a lot of friends? If not she may be lonely and think that this is the only way to keep your friendship. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable for her to pay for everything and that since you are friends that things should be dutch when going out, but do tell her that you would like to take her out somewhere to pay her back for her kindness.

Answer 6

Do you think that shes afraid of loosing your friendship?
does she mabey have more money than you and wants you to be able to have extra? why dont you buy her a gift. friendship isnt a contest to see who does more for the outher. if you really feel you need to repay your friend, treat her to a day at the spa, just pay in advance, that way she has no choice.
mabey she feels that if your outings togeather become too expensive for you, that you may want to do less stuff with her.

Answer 7

I can't say for sure, but I suspect that footing the bill is a power trip for your friend. Maybe she's just saying, "I can pay this because I'm well-off," or "I want to LOOK well-off," but maybe she's saying, "I will be kind to my POOR friend and pay this because she can't," whether or not that's actually *true.* The fact that you're irritated says that you're getting this "poor friend" message, whether she intends to send it or not.

Answer 8

well if your friends why does it bother you and why would dhe use it against you i say let her pay usually but definatly make sure at least every 10th time you go out make sure you get it but i think she just enjoys being able to pay for it my grandma is the same way cause she used to be poor and everyone would pay for her.

Answer 9

don't feel bad, my brother in law does the SAME THING! I think that he is overcompensating for something else that he lacks. Maybe this is the same for her, try and work out a deal