What should we do about our late arriving guests?

Question

My husband and I frequently host holidays and other family get togethers at our home. My sister in law and her family are always late (sometimes over an hour) for these get togethers and, believe it or not, they never even call ahead or even offer and apology. Often their lateness ruins our meal as it is cold or overcooked. What should we do?

Answer 1

Just start without them. If they arrive late, too bad for them. No need to make everyone else suffer.

Answer 2

My husband and I host all kinds of parties together. And honestly, if you set a certain time that the party will start, then you have to respect your prompt guests enough to begin your fete as promised.

What we have learned then is this TRICK: Never start a party or occasion with the meal. Start it with a game, some light appetizers, a little story telling--anything that your group enjoys. Then 30-45 minutes after all have arrived, hung coats, said hello--then you put the last touches on your table, including the meal or first course itself.

Also, having this brief break allows your guests to do little things like pour previously selected salad dressings into the cruet, retoss the salad, set the gravy bowl on the table, specially fold the napkins--little things that will really make them feel more at home.

In the end, the little things that your prompt guests do will take a little of the pressure off of you and hubby, relax your guests--and give your dastardly late inlaws a chance to arrive.

Best Wishes.

Answer 3

I agree with many of the others who have answered your question. My approach, if I were you, would be 2 pronged. 1) I would tell them that the dinner/event starts at 1pm when it really starts at 12noon. 2) I would start everything on time, as not to punish those of your family and friends who value you enough to show up on time. You need not wait nor keep your diligent guests waiting because of the rude late-comers. Since I'm a practicing therapist, I feel compelled to tell you that the tardiness has NOTHING to do w/ traffic or unforseen crap w/ the kids, but is actually a form of aggression, in the not so passive sense. Clearly someone has emotional issues with you, whether your sister in law is attempting to sabbotage your event, or simply make her resentment of you clear, it is obvious that her lateness is meant to make something clear to you. Only you will understand it's significance. Perhaps you and she can identify and discuss this on an occasion where you are both visiting someone else. It may be worth resolving.

Answer 4

Actions speak louder than words. Don't wait until your sister-in-law and her family to show up to begin your meal. Show them that the party doesn't start when they arrive, and they may make an effort to be on time. Or, when you invite them, make a phone call saying that "dinner will be served promptly at ____." Or, if sending a written invitation, indicate a starting and ending time (say, a 2-hour span ), so that if they are late, they will basically be missing the party.

If none of this works, I would suggest you talk to your sister-in-law privately about her lateness, and explain how you FEEL. Tell her how much you appreciate her attendance at your parties and that when she is very late, it makes you feel unimportant to her-- like she and her family, are just showing up to "make an appearance". Your frank expression of your feelings will probably surprise her, and maybe she will apologize. One thing's for sure-- after that, she will probably show up on time from then on.

Answer 5

Either start without them, or tell them dinner's an hour earlier than you're really serving it - Tell them you're eating a 4, when dinner's at 5.

Seriously, just start without them. That way you're not ruining the meal for the rest of the family. When they arrive, just smile sweetly and say "we weren't sure if you were coming! But don't worry, we saved you some leftovers."

Answer 6

When you invite this family to your holiday meal, tell them to be there an hour before you tell everyone else to be there, that way (hopefully) they will be there on time.
If they still insist on being late, don't wait to serve dinner and have it ruined for everyone else. If they walk in and dinner plates are being cleared then tell them they are just in time for dessert. No apology to them should be necessary.

Answer 7

Husban's sister is like this. Even telling her it was an hour earlier than dinner was actually planned didn't work out.

Your husband should talk with her about this - one time only. Let her know that the family will start eating without her. Its just selfish and rude on her part.

Answer 8

This happens to us with a few of our friends. We usually tell them it starts at an earlier time than it really does, and we start dinner at the time that we planned it. (Right in the invitations, theirs says an hour earlier than everyone elses.) Since they are people we love and want to spend time with, we don't ridicule them or be nasty about it, just have your dinner at the appointed time, and if they miss it, they miss it. After awhile, they will come around. But don't reward them by waiting and punish everyone else with mushy overcooked food.

Answer 9

Start without them. It's no point making many other people wait for just her and her family. If like you said she doesnt call ahead or apologize, perhaps it's because she thinks you're used to her lateness and since you're family now, there's nothing to be formal about.

Answer 10

Are they Indian? I have the same problem with my husbands family. Once, they arrived at my son's birthday party 5 hours late!!! We say they work on Indian Standard Time, so when we plan get togethers, we tell them that the party will start 2 hours before it really starts. Believe it or not, they are still an hour or so late. I have since learned to tell everyone at the party to eat and not to wait. There have been times when they came, the food was gone. My husband backs me up with this and it has helped them realize not to be so rude.

Answer 11

Let it go. Start your meal on time. If they get there late, which they will, let them make their own plates and catch up with the meal on their own. Once dinner is over, put the food away. They will get the point when it impacts them and their enjoyment.