Put yourself in my shoes........What would you do?

Question

I have been dateing this guy for 4 years now. I have a 7 year old daughter, and WE have a two year old son. Things are not good at all. I am 25 and he is 37. Things were good for the first 6 months, but then it turned bad! He is very menataly abusive. He has never hit me, but is always talking down to me. He does the same to my daughter. He say's if I ever leave him he will take my son from me. And he say's if I take our son, then he will "take me to the swamps." And we all know what that means. He is very demanding about the house being clean, and the laundry. Which it is usually done. But when it is not up to his standards, he flips out big time. He is constantly mumbleing stuff under his breath about the house being clean, and everything else. It is starting to drive me NUTS! I have tried to leave him on many occasions, and he just makes me feel like it's all my fault. And I am a VERY co-dependent person. So, I tend to make others happy before myself. Please help!

Answer 1

Oh baby, get yourself some professional help. You deserve to have both of your children. He sounds like he is mentally unfit to have children or someone like you.

First step is to call the Department of Social (or Human) Services where you live. They can tell you your rights and direct you to get some help.

I have been in co-dependent relationships in the past. It does not serve you to not be able to stand up for yourself.

You can get a restraining order since he has threatened you. Consider moving to a different city or state. You may be common law in your state. Check that out too. But if you can provide for your 2 children, then take them and get out of there.

It is common for a verbally abusive partner to resort to violence but he sounds like a bag of wind.

You need to get help from professionals. They can help protect you and your children. You need to remove yourself from this situation. It sounds like if you suggested counseling that he would place all the blame on you and refuse to go. He is very immature and controlling. You need to spread your wings, Angel, and fly.

Don't wait. Also, find someone who is everything you desire. Don't settle for less than you want. You are just punishing yourself in this relationship. You have the right to be picky about who you share your life with. Even if it means being alone for awhile, don't settle for anything less than you truly want. Your life will be a lot smoother and you won't have to walk around on egg shells like you are now. Muster up some woman power and move on!

Answer 2

Get out now... I'd usually suggest counseling, but from what you've said I don't think he'd be into it. Physical abuse is horrible, but mental can be worse. A black eye heals, but it takes more than a cold steak on your eye to heal your wounded self-worth. The worst part is that your kids are going to accept his behavior as the norm, thinking that it's OK to treat others and to be treated like that themselves. Healthy kids start with healthy parents. If you love your kids and don't wish to stay in the relationship any longer, you need to get out. It's never an easy thing to do, but if you are indeed co-dependent, it's only going to get worse. If you like to make people happy, think about how happy your kids will be if they don't have to endure the wrath of an angry, condescending father figure that hurts their mother emotionally.

He's 37. You're 25. It may be cliche, but you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm sensing that there are financial reasons why you may be hesitant to take action. No matter what he tries to tell you, if you guys split up (and you're not married) there is no way he'll get the kids. As far as "taking you to the swamps", that sounds an awful lot like a legtimate threat of violence... He needs to go. And you need to get a restraining order.

Answer 3

first of all, you need to stop letting others put you down. If you dont have self-esteem in yourself, you cant help anyone else out. Second, you knew from the beginning that he was mentally abusive, but it is never too late to turn away. You should leave. And never look back. Yes, you do have a child together, and you need to get that child away for his own safety as well. Go move in with your family, or a close friend. If he starts threatening you, call the cops. They are a great help to women of abuse. Talk to somebody, do not stay in that situation. I am glad that my boyfriend of a year now is a great man and a wonderful father to our 4 month daughter. It is not your fault that you want to make a better life for you and your kids.

Answer 4

You need to focus on your daughter and your son. They are learning from this man. Your daughter sees how your boyfriend treats you and her, and she is learning to believe that she is worthless or stupid. Your son is learning how to treat women.

If you're in the US (guessing you are by the spelling) the law is on your side when it comes to custody. Start keeping track of every negative comment he says, include the date and time. Might be best to keep a notebook of the information at a friend's house and update it when you can, to keep him from finding it accidentally.

The court will support you, and since he's threatened you you may be entitled to 100% custody of your son, which means you'd never have to see him again.

Protect your kids, and yourself. Take notes, and then leave when you get a chance. Take money, take anything that's important to you, and go somewhere safe. File custody paperwork for your son, and end this before he does any more damage.

Answer 5

I have no idea what you should do, but WHY did you have a kid with this moron, when you realised he was a baygon after 6 months. And even after the first mistake, you had months to change your mind about having it...

And now, having dug this hole for yourself, you want to get out of it - which is fine - and take the kid with you - which is obviously going to cause a disaster regardless of who's the better person to have custody.

Maybe he'll suffer; maybe you will. Whatever the case, the kid is pretty much *bound* to suffer. How did *he* deserve to be the big loser in this war?

Put myself in your shoes? I'd take an overdose.

CD

Answer 6

First of all this guy is dangerous.Try to leave him without a big row,as it will provoke the criminal in him.Seek help from friends or other concerning authorities and make sure that you are safe after leaving him.Sooner or later you have to do it as you can not change the personality traits of grown up man.He is going to get worse.

Answer 7

You want to make someone happy? Make your children happy and get out of this relationship now! You're teaching your daughter it's okay to let men abuse her and you're teaching yhour son it's okay to abuse women. Find the nearest women's shelter, throw some clothes in a bag and go there--NOW. They'll help you with everything, including finding you a lawyer who won't let a man who's threatened your life take your kids.

Answer 8

Trust me. He will not change. My EX husband was the same way. Never hit me but was verbally abusive for 12 yrs until I divorced him. He seemed genuinely surprised when I told him I wanted out. As if he was so used to me putting up with his crap that he thought it would go on and on and that I would be ok with it. It is not your fault no matter what he says. "If the house was clean I wouldnt have to yell at you so much.. " etc etc etc blah blah blah. It's just an excuse for him. Get out when you can.

Answer 9

You've made some poor choices in your life and that's unfortunate.

You need to seek counselling and you need to make sure that other people in your life know what's going on. Ultimately, you need to be looking out for your kids' safety. Asking for advice on a board like this may be a good start IF you're planning on following up with the appropriate people.

Answer 10

To know the problem is part of the solution, do something about it. In your case I believe you need to get the Authorities to help you, talk to a social worker that cares, you are living in fear by his threats, and abuse. You don't have to stay a victim while there are goverment officials to help you. Put the law on him, talk to someone that can help you I am hoping for the best for you.