Would You Tell Your Mother That The Man She Thought Was Her Father Isn't Her 'Real' Dad?

Question

I recently was contacted by my mother's cousin, who lives in Spain, and I have never spoken to. She has been working on our family tree for a long time, and sent all the info through to me. She ended up telling me that there was information in the history of the family that my mum wasn't aware of, and it was up to me if i told her or not. she had kept it a secret for 48 years.
basically, my mums mum had a relationship with a South African man in early 1946. she fell pregnant, he was shipped back off to south africa. she married my mums supposed father in 1949. i do not know if she was with this man when she slept with the S.A. man or not. Whichever way, nobody ever told my mum the truth. they went on to have another child in 1956 (my mums brother/half-brother).

my mum is 60 now. should i tell her the truth? i dont have any info on this S.A man so cant give her any details. the man she thinks is her father is dead now. it is her right to know, but will it be more hurt than its worth?

Answer 1

hard to tell. It is a very delicate subject. Maybe you should hold the info till you are quite sure about it. It might be a shock to your mom. Good luck.

Answer 2

Oh boy, it extremely is one in all those complicated determination to make, on one hand your son has a top to correctly known who his organic and organic father is, on the different hand is now a good time to tell him, or wait a pair of years until eventually ultimately he's older? If he have been to make certain from anybody else that could desire to extremely harm him and yawls relationship. My 14 12 months previous son does not undergo in recommendations his father, we've been married one in all those little while he grew to become right into a million 12 months previous, yet I did shop photos of him and did tell him by using the time he grew to become into approximately 10 or 11. i'm remarried now so the only father he knows is my husband even nevertheless he understand he's not his real father. it would in all risk be a good theory to a minimum of wait some years if the father does not stay everywhere interior sight, by using that element your son would be a sprint older and extra mature, and be waiting to shield it better than he might now, being so youthful. i for my area will no longer be able to tell you what to do, i think you may desire to pass including your gut instinct, and do as you think of is right. i think so a good distance as telling the bio father is going, are you able to make certain what form of person he's first? If he's trash, i does not say a be conscious to him. Oh, your in one in all those no longer straight forward place, good good fortune to you!

Answer 3

I would tell her, but use the word 'biological' Dad instead of real Dad. Her real Dad is the man who raised her and she loves. Not what amounts to a sperm donor.

You'd be surprised. She very likely does know or suspected. Either way, while it may be a shock, most people would want to know than have information kept from them.

Also, be aware that it is total bunk that shocking news would send someone into a downward health spiral. I would think in this day and age that peole would finally get that. A child dying might (and has), but news of this sort will not. So even if she is in bad health, still tell her.

Answer 4

Personally I would keep the information to myself. Since you can't offer her any information on the man who could be her father then what good is telling her going to do? It will most likley just make her feel betrayed by those who have kept this from her. If she has no suspision then the truth is probably going to cause more harm than good. It's not a nice situation for you to be in but you know your Mum far better than we do and can therefore judge how she will take this news. Is your grandmother still alive? Because that could also effect your decision. Good Luck.

Answer 5

That's a tough call. I'd say that if you decide to tell her, you need to do more research on the geneology, and make sure that this story is true because otherwise, your story will sound somewhat unbelievable: "Hey mom, your random cousin in Spain told me that your Dad isn't your dad." It's possible too that your Mom knew, but had accepted your Grandfather as her Dad for so long that she didn't care that they weren't blood related.

If it were me, I'd want to know. Yes I'd be really sad and upset, but at least I'd know the truth. Plus, it'll be really hard to keep this from her if you have a close relationship with her. It'll hurt her more if she finds out later that you knew and didn't tell her. I'd tell her, but at home, surrounded by family and support, not in a public place.

Answer 6

I found out about a year ago that my mums dad was not her real dad...her real dad died many years ago.
we had always joked that our old nan had played about...my mums eyes are blue and nan and grandad had green eyes! Mum always said it was a throwback!
Anyway, her 3 elder sisters know the truth as do my dad, brother and me.
I feel she should know. She would be angry to find out that others know and she was the last to find out.
It really depends on how you feel your mum would handle such news.
My family feel that it would be too upsetting for my mum to know the truth, and as she has already had 3 heart attacks, I have to respect their feelings, even if I do not fully agree with them.
Really think before you decide. Could you spoil wonderful childhood memories that she may hold of her 'father'? by revealing the truth?
Good luck with whatever choices you make.

Answer 7

There's an old saying that goes along the lines of "what the mind doesn't know, the heart won't grieve over". You have no information on her biological father, so all you'd be doing is saying "Mum, the man you think is your dad isn't your dad, but I can't tell you who is."

In the interest of continued family harmony, your cousin has managed to keep her mouth shut for close to 50 years. I would strongly suggest that you do the same.

Answer 8

Its not worth the trouble it may cause. If your Mum doesnt know then this will only upset her, she cant meet this man or discuss it with her Mother. On the other hand your Mum may know and not want to talk to you about it. How can you be sure that the cousin is correct. It may be your mums right to know but it is up to her to find out for herself and if she hasnt then there is obviously no doubt in her mind about who her father is. She has had one dad and that is the man who brought her up.

Answer 9

Her "REAL" dad is probably dead now anyway, and your mum is so old for a shock to the system like that/this. She wont be able to cope with it i reckon.

I am just saying that if it were my mum, i would let her live the rest of her days in peace without questioning all those years of lies. NO way would i tell my mum, the pain would kill her 5 years early. Leave it and learn from it yourself, that is if there is a lesson to be learned, i am not sure how you see this situation. But for me,i'd keep it to myself. x

Answer 10

Did your mum have a good home life...good relationship with her parents..was she happy?? If so, I'd leave things as they are...she's 60... But if she has ever felt she didn't belong or something was missing..then tell her. Its a terrible situation for you to be in. What if she finds out that you knew and never told her??? WHat if she wanted to know....MAybe pose the question to her from a different stand point..Hey mum...I have this friend...on and on..see how she feels about the situation. I wish you good luck.

Answer 11

If she is in good health then I would tell her. This is a very delicate subject though...if your grandmother is still alive, your mom may be mad at her for awhile as well as everyone else in the family that knew. If you don't tell her and someone else does or she decides to research her family history for some reason and finds out you knew....she may be mad at you. Liek your moms cousin said....it is up to you. What do you feel is right?? Good Luck!!!