How to cope with girlfriends death?

Question

I lost my girlfriend after she took her life a month after being hit by a car and she lost her one leg. She was in Toronto visiting family when it happened in 2005 and i wasnt there.

Ever since i get thinking 'Well what if i had been there' etc and i start blaming myself and i go into wild moods where the slightest thing can set me off and i go berserk, normally i calm down then im ok 2 days later. 99% the time im ok, i get very emotional when i think about her but its when i start to think that its all my fault, thats when i lose it and it scares me to think that i could hurt someone or myslef if i dont get to deal with the loss of her. We had so many plans, get married, have kids etc and i had all that taken away from me.

What can i do to learn how to cope with this loss.

Decent honest answers please.

Thanks

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you.
It's good that you say 99% of the time you're ok.
You must not think that it was your fault, you were not there. Even if you had been there, you probably couldn't have changed anything.

To be honest with you, do you feel guilt over something tangible? If so, it's time to really deal with that guilt and move on. If you have no solid reason to feel guilt, then don't beat yourself up over it.

Suicide of a loved one is an awful thing for anyone for anyone to come to terms with. Those that are 'left behind' feel guilt, and surround themselves with the 'ifs, ands and buts', 'could've, should've stopped it'.
Firstly your girlfriend had a horrific accident and lost her leg. Maybe depression over all of this made her feel the only way out was to take her own life. Maybe she felt it would be better for others. Only those around here at the time may know how she was feeling, but quite often those who do take their own lives can appear to be ok and keep their inner thoughts and feelings to themselves.
It all must have been a terrible shock for you.

You should be able to find Bereavement Councilling in your area. Please seek this out and work through your grieving.
You say you go into 'wild moods' and 'go berserk'. I don't know exactly what you mean by this. Do you hit out at those around you? Have you friends/family who give you understanding?

You will get through this. Believe in yourself. It may take a while. When you think of your girlfriend, try to remember happy times. It is a good thing to cry and let out emotion. Don't bottle things up.

You cannot change the past. That may seem harsh, but it's true. You must begin to look forward to the future, and trust that things will get better.

I hope this will be of some help to you and wish you well.

Answer 2

I am afraid to say that the old adage is time is the best healer is the only answer I can give.

My then g/f was killed in a car crash when her car was hit by a drunk driver. I was only 17 and we'd just had a big fight about why I wasn't there that weekend.

Guilt will play a big part in your emotions and "what if" will be a question you can spend a long time trying to answer and for that, I wish you luck.

The fact is a million people will tell you it's not your fault because it isn't. Only as time goes on will you realise that it actually wasn't, that it was HER decision to take her own life and she would have done it even if you were there.

As for the moods, I can only suggest that you confide in a good friend. I'm sure they're all sympathetic towards you and won't mind if you call them up for a chat once in a while.

And you'll move on. I've since met a wonderful girl who I came to realise isn't better than my old girlfriend and isn't worse. She's just different.

Answer 3

First off all I am sorry for your loss and I can imagine that the loss and grief is huge not to mention your sence of guilt for not being there.

There is no fast and hard rule to say click fingers and you will be ok I wish there was for you and anyone else suffering like this.
Grief over the loss of someone or something effects people in many different ways and there is no hard and fast rule as to how it effects you.
Some feel anger straight away, guilt, grief, sadness, and you can flit from one emotion to another at any one time until one day the pain eases and you come to terms with what has happenend. You will never forget and no one expects you too but you have to learn to forgive yourself first and once you do this your feeling will be better.
Your anger you decribe is your grief for your loss and I really think you need to talk to someone over this not nessasary a doctor just a good friend who will sit and listen.
You have had many replys some lots better than mine so you have friends who are listening and feel your pain.
I know this sounds stupid but when I worked with children who had lost a brother or sister I got them to make a memory album and put all their fav pictures, stories, poems,songs ect in it. So many people expect you to forget but that is wrong make something of great value to you and her all the photos, places you have been together ect and trust me once you have done it you will feel better. It will be your place to go when you feel low and need a pick me up.
I hope that helps a little

Answer 4

Ok if you think about it this way. Your girlfriend was in a crash that you didnt know was going to happen, so if you were there you either would have had the same injury or even worse.
You are feeling a normal pattern of guilt from losing somebody close to you.
The thing you have to do is understand that things happen and close ones do things that baffle other peoples minds and because you cannot think the same on there level you try to rack your brain into saying I could have done this and that and it is my fault etc.YOU could have done nothing to change your girlfriends mind and you could have not changed an accident you didnt know about.

I am very sorry for your loss but do you think its fair on your girlfriend to see you like this. If you dont want to move on just try and be happy with what you had. And try and think to the future.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Hi Dude,
You sound like a really nice guy and I think your story has probably touched a lot of people here. The ones that have hearts anyway.
Unless you were the driver of that car, you have nothing to be sorry for. Since then her life went a little sour, I'm sure you had a good relationship and she passed away with good memories of you and her together.
She is in a good place now, she is in Heaven. God has her in his arms, and he is looking after her. She is probably watching over you and thinking "I love you" and "Its not your fault"
Shes right. She'll want you to be happy again, so you need to start thinking about yourself again. Whether that takes a holiday or something someone says, you can be happy again. Nobody can feel the pain that your going through. You expect to wake up next to her, you think about her all the time. Nobody but you or someone who has been through that knows what that is like.
You'll probably be thinking about her for the rest of your life and so you should. You and her were soulmates. That doesn't mean you have to picture her helpless. It means picturing you and her at a cinema, or her birthday, or something where you can see her smiling back at you. Thats what she wants you to remember.
I don't know how old you are but if your 35 or under, you still have time to have children of your own. You shouldn't feel guilty if you meet somebody else, who will love and support you. If it happens, it means it was meant to happen.
If you want my advice, call up one of your friends or your brother, or somebody close to you. Book up a nice 2 week holiday for the both of you. Soak up the sun, and chill.


My prayers go out to you and her family.
Take Care
If you ever need any advise, think YA!
Good Luck...

Answer 6

Well, you just need time to get over a loss like that. If I were you, I'll blame myself as well but what are we to do? You didn't know the accident will happen, do you? I'm sure she loves you just the same. It's just things weren't meant to be between you guys. Everything happens for a reason. Try to calm down and accept her death beacuse if you can't, she won't rest peacefully. Let time heal you. You'll find another person and this time, maybe much better. Have a little faith. She's looking down on you from above and of course she also wants you to be happy. Cry all you want, let it out, stand up back again and move on.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I am so sorry about that, terrible. You have to do what is best for you now. Your G/F decided to take her life, she must have been in pain, Do you really think that your girlfriend really wants to see you in pain or suffering? She would want what is best for you, look forward not behind. You will be hurting for a while and you will never forget the pain that is inside of you. But your girlfriend would want you to move on and not think about the past. I am not saying forget what has happened because you will never be able to forget. If you really need help i would try talking to someone that you are close to (family or friends), You have to think about all the good time and all the happy memories that you 2 had together. I will never been easy, if you talk to someone about it and get some advise the pain will fade even though your memories won't. Hope everything goes ok and i hope you will get help.x Megan x

Answer 8

Get some counselling sweetheart, you need to talk to someone and they are trained to help. When my dad died i was distraught, he'd brought myself and my sister up singlehandedly from when i was five and we were so close i went to pieces. There is always guilt and what ifs when someone dies, i tortured myself with thoughts of what if I'd spotted his symptoms earlier, what if I'd travelled down to see him more often, would i have noticed earlier, would that have saved him. I know now that nothing i did would have made any difference and it's the same for you, it was her decision and nothing you could have said or done would have made any difference but i know how the what ifs drive you crazy. Talking to someone professional will really help you, i was really worried about talking to a stranger, we don't do that in our family but the guy that gave me some counselling made me realise that it wasn't my fault and all the feelings i had were completely normal. And i know it's such an old cliche but time really is a great healer. I never thought I'd get over losing my dad, he was still so young, but you do, you never forget but it gets easier. Don't be too proud to get some help, if you don't want to go to a counsellor then contact a bereavement group, i know there is Cruse in the UK but i don't know where you are. There you can talk to people that have been through the same thing and know exactly how you're feeling.

Answer 9

I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your girlfriends and all the plans you made. that's a whole future you're grieving over as well as a person.

You need to work on the guilt first, because without resolving the guilt you won't be able to work through the other issues underlying. Guilt is a terrible emotion and because you are so emotional you're not able to view this with your head. A head view of this situation is that there is absolutely no way you could have done anything...because you weren't there and that's just the way it is.

what you're experience is very understandable in the circumstances, i am no psychologist but if it was me i would find a counseller, even for just a few months to help me start working out the confusion in my head because if it keeps going round and round liek with without getting resovled you are going to end up worse off.
I would also start journalling - you can throw it away later if you want but for now try to set down all this jumble of thoughts and emotions onto paper then read it later from a different viewpoint - it may help you sort through things.

other than these i know its a cliche but time.... time does heal eventually, but in order to give time a chance to heal i would suggest making some sense out of your chaos so that you can lay the guilt to rest, and finally move forward with your life which is what you must do.

Answer 10

There are no short cuts when it comes to grieving. What you are feeling is the Anger part of grieving. I found that talking to someone else who had gone through a similar tragedy, helped tremendously, it was no good to just to talk to anyone it seemed.

I had to go on tablets to help bridge a difficult few years,, however this doesn't help with dealing with the root of the problem, but i do believe that they helped me to function normally and gave me hope, even saved my life.

Unfortunately it may mean talking to your doctor which may mean multiple visits,, however it will be worth it!, what ever you do don't struggle on alone. I also searched the internet for a group/person that i could e-mail/talk to. And i did find someone...She let me put all my feelings down in my letters to her and she did with me. I don't know what i would have done without her. I haven't even met her. She had lost someone also.

Prepare yourself for the worst. Don't do anything stressful or deal with situations that might make you anxious, give yourself
a break from tuff stuff, (which might actually be easy stuff)...and keep away from the friends that might make you feel worse. Drinking is no answer but if it helps, do let people know your intentions and don't go walk about. Keep your family informed.

My husband also lost his best friend, he committed suicide. His wife managed to keep things together, and within a couple of years had found a husband and now has children and has at last found some-kind of happiness again. Unbelievable isn't it... but she deserves it. It doesn't mean you forget or shun them,,, but your girlfriend wouldn't want you to stay single forever... perhaps a long way off yet. Try to keep an open mind. Don't close yourself off from the world.

Do find that someone you can talk to, doctors are trained and often know them selves about deep loss. Depression is probably in there somewhere, which doesn't help, and with that, comes isolation, and the feeling of hopelessness, it feels like you are living in hell. And yet i still went around smiling. You will cope with this, we are stronger than we feel.

You will be happy or near to, once again. I am.

All the best my friend