What should I do about this?

Question

My daughter is turning 15 in 3 weeks. She lives with her Dad in another state. He has sole physical and legal custody. I gave it to him during the divorce.

I want to send her something nice for her birthday. However, I just received a message from her saying that she does not need anything from me for her birthday. I have not talked to her for a few weeks. I have been e-mailing her though.

I had gone to stay with her in my ex-husband's house because he moved due to job reasons. I live in another state. I could not stay and so I came back.

I feel that I have failed in my responsibilities as a mother and am an excuse for a human being. However, when I was with her in my ex-husband's house, I could not take care her the way that I wanted.

I feel like punishing myself and am generally down and depressed about my actions. He will not give me legal custody though. HIs mother is taking care of her for the time being.

Answer 1

hi hon...

sometimes we live situations which are completely out of our control, and we have no way to change them. this does not make us bad people.

when you were divorced, you likely did what you thought was best for your daughter. and i think THAT is being very responsible... it's not a sign of weakness making the best decision you can make at the time.

i think you can let your daugher know you regret not being there for her at this time. tell her how you feel about her as a person, and how much you love her....

if she is upset with you right now because you couldn't stay at her father's with her, she will heal in time. just keep in contact as often as possible. and find her a little something you think she'd like for her birthday and send it.

please don't punish yourself over this. if you are having problems with self-esteem and depression, please see your doctor or seek the help of a therapist. you don't deserve to feel miserable and upset.

do your best to take care of YOU -- your daughter DOES NEED YOU to be around for her!! sending hugs your way.

Answer 2

I agree with tracylyn and nursecracker....
I believe that you did what you felt was the responsible thing to do for her wellbeing...
BUT....
Have you sat down and discussed this with HER?
I think you should explain to her that you didn't give your husband custody because you didn't want her or the responsibility of her....it was just that you knew he would be a good parent and he could provide for her better than you could at that time of your life. She is 15 now, she should be able to be talked to as an adult, and have knowledge of adult issues such as the financial aspects of raising a child and providing their needs.
Never let her believe that you just "gave her away" for your convenience. Tell her sometimes when you love someone so much , all you care for are their needs, so it was best to leave her with her Dad, but she never left your heart.
Hopefully, she will understand, and if nothing else, ....she is becoming a woman...generally that leads to relationships and motherhood. If she can't understand it now, she will come to understand it eventually. I think all will be fine.
Don't forget too, that being a teenager is the hardest time of our lives, it may be something else altogether bothering her ...ask her whats going on in her life and see if you can help her with it.
Regardless...get her a nice birthday present and try to give it to her personally.
NOW.... it seems that the depression monster is eating you alive, Mom. Get yourself to the doctor and get some relief. You are not alone with this issue, many of us suffer with it also. The best thing to do is get some help, you'll be glad you did. You need to have a level-headed straight concentration to deal with the issues surrounding your daughter, and medication and counseling are the best way to get there.
Best of luck and take care of yourself!

Answer 3

I am not really sure what you are asking, but if it has to do with her not wanting a gift, then here is what you do. Open a college savings account for your daughter with the money you would have spent on the gift. You can add to it each month and have the statements sent to her address in her care. This will show her you are invested as a parent and that you love her enough to plan to invest in her future. It will show her that you will are here now, tomorrow and if she chooses, her future too. This is a great long-term investment that will make a real difference in her life.
A Mom, of a 16, 19,19, 20,23 & 25 year olds.
3 are mine/ 3 are step and I have the love and respect of them all. You too can build a new relationship with you daughter even if she is asking for space for now.

Tracylyn S

Answer 4

She wants something from you, but she does not know you that well, so she is gonna say she does not need anything. The word need can mean she wants it, but does not need. Talk to her about her interests and such through email. Is she into sports? A certain brand of clothes? Also, you may hate this, but ask your ex-husband what she is into. Look to spend about 30-60 dollars on her gift. And send her a nice card, that shows you still care. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Please don't dwell in the past. Your daughter is only 15. You have a few years left, before she's an adult, to try to become friends with her. She needs for you to be her mom, even though she doesn't live with you. Just let her know that you'll always be there for her. Tell her often that you love her. If you feel that you need to have someone to say "it's OK".... that someone needs to be you. We can be our own worst enemy at times. Seek counseling if you continue to feel the way you do. It will help to talk this out with a professional. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

You failed your daughter, the good new is that she is only 15 and you still have time. Keep trying to make contact with her, dont give up, make her understand you do want to be there for her, that you did was the worse mistake of your life and that you care. you must try every time she rejects you, you try harder. If you truly love your daughter, you will go out, get a job, stable life and show her that she is the most important person in your life. You made a mistake now FIX IT. stop feeling sorry for your self.
BEST GIFT I EVER RECEIVED ON my 15th BIRTHDAY. A necklace w/my name. I still have it.

Answer 7

I think proud mama of 2 said it best, but I will give you a gift idea. If you have pictures of and you and your daughter together, collect a few of them and look up TreasureKnit.com. It's a website that allows you to create a very personalized blanket that displays a collage of pictures. Create whatever you want, but I have one and I just love it. They are not cheap, but I am sure there are some other websites that may offer cheaper ones. Just a suggestion.

Answer 8

How about a memior of your life including photo's of yourself and your daughter so she gets to know the real you - not the 'you' as decribed by her grandparents and your ex-husband. Expensive gifts are not going to win her over, something from the heart is worth alot more. The more thought and effort that goes into the gift will show her how important she still is to you. Goodluck !!!!!

Answer 9

you cant take back the passed whats done is done , and if she doesnt want anything from you, just try to be there for her even though you dont live near her , try to make up for things that she recents you for without being pushy , and what happened that he got sole custody ?

Answer 10

talk to you daughter, she probably needs that because she doesn't have a mother figure she can look up to. start new, get her back, don't be afraid to send her a gift becuase that is you daughter and you are her mother, do what you think is right.