Read my story and comment . . .?

Question

I've been writing a story off and on for a while now. I have about 20 pages. It still needs a lot of work, obviously as it's a work in progress, but I just would like some comments about it. (It's in PDF, so you'll need a PDF reader such as Adobe Acrobat Reader.) Here's the story link: http://www.geocities.com/catwulf/Kina2.pdf

Thank you margot. I'm glad you think it's promising. I know it needs a lot of work, as stated that it is a work in progress. I actually started writing it years ago, before Heroes was probably even thought of, it's only recently, within the last year, did I actually start getting more involved with it.

Answer 1

The premise that worldwide cataclysm and war turn the clock back on technology to an era before the industrial revolution is a good one.

Your use of a sort of third person narrative at the introductory phase is somewhat hard to follow. Since there isn't a "real person" speaking to us, it reads like a history book.

Consider making some concession to humanizing your beginning. Otherwise, it is tough to keep involved with the story.

I like the idea that there are some endowed with special abilities and powers. How they use them will really make or break your story.

Your book should be interesting and I'll look forward to seeing it published.

Answer 2

Your site reads more like a synopsis of a story that you are trying to sell to somebody who would fund a movie. That's just my take. (But I like your optimism and vision!)

I don't know how old you are, but you present the synopsis fairly well, although you tend to fall into cliches/cliche sounding words that probably don't drive home exactly what you would like to convey as well as you could to sell this concept.

The concept of people surviving with "powers" is vaguely reminiscent of the new "Heroes" tv show. There's nothing wrong with that, just make sure your people with special powers don't come off like carbon copies or else your work won't be viewed as original by the people who would be reading your synopsis/pitch to decide what to do with it.

I think you are a pretty good writer (again, wish I knew your age, stage of development) who could be a lot better by using more descriptive adjectives and relying less upon day to day expression to say what you mean.

I think the fact that you have put together this synopsis is ambitious, shows a lot of confidence, demonstrates your intense desire to be involved in this type of activity/career, and I salute you for getting to this point.

What you put together is a pretty darn good start. I would just now go over this with a fine toothed comb to make it more descriptive, impactful, active vs. passive voice, hence more compelling to the person to whom you are pitching this story line to.

I wish you luck. I love these types of stories and would really enjoy seeing a feature film like this. Don't put it aside.

Answer 3

How serious are you? There are a lot of writing errors and I only read the first couple pages. If you are serious, click on my avatar and send me an email, tell my what you want to do with this story and I'll see what I can do to help.

Answer 4

Its actual a exceptionally reliable start up - and its an rather cool theory. Dont be scared to maintain changing and changing your tale as you progression. yet i might certanly encouarge you to maintain engaged on it. :D suitable of success and that i cant wait to work out the completed tale.

Answer 5

Okay, looks fine.