Our relationship was great & the timing right. Now I’m resenting him for not doing it. I don’t want to pressure him by talking about it or blackmail him by breaking up. I’m pulling away, though, because I’m hurt & afraid I’ll take it out on him. He gave me a promise ring (sweet, but we’re in our 30’s…) but I only got a silly promise (e.g. “I promise I’ll always tickle you”). Nice, but I was hoping for a more serious one after (e.g. “Seriously, though, I promise when I get some things in order, I’ll give you a diff. kind of ring”). He also told me his ex is getting wed & he didn’t want to propose because it may seem like he’s competing. That's upset me so much that if he proposes, I’d want to get back at him by saying “it's a bad time for my ex because he still loves me & would be crushed”. I wouldn’t really say that, but that HE mentioned his ex & one of the most romantic events in our relationship in the same breathe…well, it’s basically ruined the “romantic” part for me. Suggestions?
2007-04-15 11:13:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
We've been together almost 7 months (I know I'll get groans from the more opinionated). What's important is it's been long enough to know I want to spend my life with him. I knew at around 4 months. What's perplexed me is he's said the same so I wondered why he hadn't proposed. That made me question if we were on the same page or even actually felt the same (and I didn't know about his ex until 2 weeks ago).
Update: My boyfriend & I chatted. I didn't want to talk to him about it, but needed to for my own sanity. He told me he's wanted to propose for quite some time but just been nervous. I feel better knowing we're in sync as I suspected, but still hurt he didn't sense it too & propose. What can I say, though? He's a guy! Right, Richard?!
As for the ex - he wasn't worried about her, but what their friends would say. He knows that's not important.
Anyway, at least we're communicating. I'm definitely willing to improve myself as a person & a partner & it still seems he is too! Thanks!
2007-04-16 19:22:24 · update #1
You are thinking like a girl, not a guy. He is probably about as sensitive as most get, but doesn't connect with your most romantic situation.
Playing hard to get is great if you want to spend the rest of your life playing relationship games. I suggest the both barrels of honesty method instead. Tell him how you feel. Tell him exactly what is going on inside you. Are you hurt (even a little)? Are you confused (either again or still) about his actions?
Do not rant. Do not nag. Do not pull back before telling him that you feel the need to pull back because you are hurt.
We are not talking about the dating game here. You are already in a serious relationship with this guy and both of you know this. We are talking about cutting through the BS and communicating in such a way as to deepen your relationship. After all, it might be for the rest of your life.
If you cannot express yourself openly and honestly with this guy, then perhaps you can with someone else. It sounds like he tried (not too tactfully) to express himself to you and you got hurt because of it. Talk with each other. Listen carefully and ask stupid questions. Do not make any assumptions.
One last point. If you still care for him even knowing that he may be something of an insensitive jerk, then he is probably the guy for you. Find out if you are his lady. Romance always fades. Love continues to grow.
2007-04-15 12:27:35 · answer #1 · answered by Richard 7 · 12⤊ 0⤋
Wow. This is one of these rare questions on here that actually has a few good answers that come from different views. I can see the argument both from sunnyside up and Richard. The other answers are the normal idiotic ones you expect on here.
What we don't really know and I am sure that we would like to know so that we can edit our answers accordingly, are a few missing facts, such as: How long have you been with him? Did you know that his ex was getting married again (be truthful, as that makes a huge impact on the answer). What made you think that he was going to propose?
From my own experience I can only say this:
I was pressurized into both proposing and marrying after I had broken up with my ex. I do not regret either as I am still happily married. however I would have liked to have had a bit more breathing space. If for nothing else, than just to think I had some time time as a single man for a little time.
I can honestly say that it would not have altered my way of thinking and I would still have gone along and happily got married to the woman I am with now.
Perhaps your man just has more b*lls than I had.
However I know that it will all work out for the best in the end and I wish you all the happiness in the world/
2007-04-16 14:23:10 · answer #2 · answered by Gambler66 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I completely understand.. I had a boyfriend of almost 2yrs who kept leading me to believe that we were going to get married... talking about what kind of house we should get, babies, our views on parenting, etc. I am also in my early 30s, (he was younger than me) so even though I already had children, I wanted a baby still before I was 33. Every b-day and every holiday, Christmas, Valentines day, etc he would hype up what I would be getting from him. I would be so sure that I was finally going to get my ring every time. NEVER Happened. I finally had to tell him- look, I love you, but quit talking to me about getting married. You don't seem to mean it, you never do anything about it. To my suprise, he said, well if you know i dont mean it, why dont you just let it blow over? why does it upset you? HA! Whatever... anyway, enough about me, all i know is that if a guy is non-committal at our age, the best thing you can do is pull back a little. In other words, dont be so available all of the time and in subtle ways I would remind him that you are SINGLE and that you have no committment from him, and that until you do, you are just that -SINGLE. I wish I would have taken this advice instead of pressuring my boyfriend further and chasing him. I guess its the old saying, "anything chased runs away". Start spending more time with your girlfriends and just be a little more unattainable. I know its hard. I've been there. Good luck : )
2007-04-15 11:57:13 · answer #3 · answered by sunny_sideup_13 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! I'd say offhand to take a break from him. Tell him you want some time to think over the relationship, cause hun, it sounds like a downslide. He shouldn't even care what his ex does or doesn't do! His attention should be loving you and talking about your future together.
2007-04-15 11:19:32 · answer #4 · answered by Suzie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can tell you that I understand your feelings. I kinda feel hurt for you. The things that you wrote show that he is not fully mature and independent. How dare he give his ex's plans as a reason to put your relationship into limbo. Do you think he would be embarrassed if people thought he was copying her??! It sounds like he is not ready to get married now. Sorry
2007-04-15 11:23:04 · answer #5 · answered by Tarpaulin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he really hasn't gotten over his ex. I think he is waiting for her to realize she made a mistake, but wants to keep you around just in case. You did the right thing. He either has to move on, or move out.
2007-04-15 11:19:03 · answer #6 · answered by ttpawpaw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no i can se he s point about his e x people would only say he was doing it cos she now getting wed wpuild you wnat that said no i do nt think you would he will do uit do nt push him too much but sit down and talk to hi on how you feel
2007-04-15 11:20:35 · answer #7 · answered by dd 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he is a loser...making excuses ,thats all he is doing
2007-04-15 11:18:10 · answer #8 · answered by pattialfy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋