this is very serious, please someone give me some solid advice?

Question

I do not know what to do with my kids anymore. They are 6, 4 and 3. They are awful. Loud, messy, destructive, refuse to listen, they act out all the time, no matter where they are, ect. ect. I know most of their behavior is my fault, becasue I've allowed my husband to move us 28 times in the past 7 years, me and him fight all the time, he has never understood the concept of stability and consistency, ect. My house is always a wreck, even tho I clean ALL THE TIME and the kids are always running around, screaming fighting, wanting this and that ect. We never have any money so we never go anywhere, we have no car, not alot of food most of the time, we yell at the kidsconstantly, whoop them sometimes if very necessary, BUT me and him can not agree on aprenting at all, we can't agree on anything. There is so much tension between us. My kids are suffering and my middle child said he wanted to die to me today, Myoldest thinks we hate him. my kids are my life, please help me be a better mom

Answer 1

You are to be commended-it is hard as a parent to acknowledge that there are problems and you are not only doing that but you are looking for solutions so bravo and good luck.

Now on to the harder part. What is the reason for so many moves in such a short period? Kids need stability as they grow older.

You should also sit down and discuss options with your children.

For example-No one is allowed to scream at anyone. If you are upset with your brother/sister then you need to calm down first, second think of the best way to end this, third-if you can not find a solution to the problem come to me.

Your kids need to know you will love them and be there for them no matter what, and that you are going to help them learn the correct way to speak to you, your husband and each other.
Let them know that coming to you is the perfect way to solve whatever is going on.

Make sure they have a routine. Like bedtime is at 8:00pm type of deal-bath at 7, bedtime snack at 730 teeth brushed at 745 story at 750 bed at 8. Kids love knowing what comes next.

Let the older one read the story sometimes and rotate between all three who chooses the story. They are all old enough to pick up (to a certain degree) around the house. The 3 year old can sort laundry, the 4 year old can pick up toys, and the 6 year old can make a bed. Give them age appropiate chores so they know they are an important part of the family.

Try to have dinner as a family together every night.

And most important of all-take some alone time for yourself and for you and your husband.

The old saying "If momma ain't happy no one is" is very true.

Good luck :)

Answer 2

You need to sit down as a family and hash it out. There are all kinds of little rewards for different behaviors and punishment for others. Give each child a couple of chores to do to help you clean. The 6 yr old can vacuum and the 4yr old can put clothes in the hamper and the 3 yr old can put toys away. Instead of yelling at the children try to be calm, and explain what they are doing wrong and how to fix it. Don't argue in front of the children, that scares them and thinks that they are doing something wrong. Compomise with your husband. It sounds like you need to spend some one on one time with each of the children. Do some craft projects, read a book, watch favorite cartoons/movies. Be creative with your children.

As for you and your husband talk talk talk without yelling...spend some time apart outside of the house. Not together but you go then he go and if you can find a sitter both go. Going to the store or just for a walk outside is time enough to get your patience back. Take a bath in a candle light bathroom and just relax.

Who care what you house looks like. As long as it isn't disgusting and food everywhere. I keep my dishes done and throw garbage away and there are time when there are only paths through my house from the mess and not having time and the time that I do have I give to my children.

My advice is to take a breather and stop yelling. I used to yell all the time and I realized one day that it was doing more harm than good and I just relaxed and started doing rewards and punishments. I take cartoons away for an hour 6 hours a day or longer. I take the playstation away for periods of time. I make them pick up there stuff when they are done and things are running a lot smoother. I talk to my husband and tell him how I am feeling and when he make me upset I let him know in a calm voice and have discussions about other things outside of the the family. What are the goal and what not and all that other stuff that normal people talk about and I allow my husband the same option of talking to me. You have to work together not apart. Take turns taking a breather and clean when it is feasable. when you feel you can tell a difference.

Good luck and I hope all is well soon.

Answer 3

it's really hard to get everything to work out when you are a parent, things happen, and no doubt money would make it easier - I can sympathize on that point!
Are there any free parenting classes in your area? Have you tried out any of the parenting forums online? They are great places to ask questions and get tips and tricks...
The first thing is for both parents to get on the same wavelength, if you argue it creates an atmosphere of tension, mistrust, and insecurity, as well as letting the kids think that mom or dad might be wrong; I suggest sitting down together and talking about the parenting issues you are having, use books or magazine articles and examples to make your points, and never let it dissolve into a fight, it is a discussion to come to terms with each others beliefs and why you each parent the way you do, then find ways to deal with it.
I would also suggest counselling, either family or individual (for each member of the family), it could really help your kids/hubby see from your perspective more, and vice versa. You can usually find these services for free if they are needed (which in this case they really are), your family doctor should be able to hook you up, or look in your phone book gov't pages for mental health services.
In the meantime, push the love, say it all the time, give out as many hugs and kisses as you can...
Good luck!
Good luck!

Answer 4

First of all, stop feeling guilty. It's OK. Everyone goes through rough times. I understand what you are going through. I have had some very similar circumstances in my life, too. My husband moved us 15 times in 5 years, and I know how stressful that can be. (I am in the process of divorcing him now and my life is SO much more stable and I have WAY fewer problems with my kids....I'm not saying you should divorce your husband, but I totally understand the effect everything you're talking about has on the kids!). I would suggest looking into Love and Logic Parenting. I started doing that with my kids aout 2 months ago and it really works! It's not hard to learn, there are not a lot of rules, but it teaches your kids to be responsible (through use of logical consequences for their actions) and you don't have to yell or spank them to see results. They have a website, I believe it's loveandlogicparenting.com and you can check if there are classes in your area. That will take a LOT of stress out of your situation to begin with. I would also suggest having your kids help with cleaning up around the house because they will be less likely to just go through and "trash" everything then. Plus, you will have some help. And with Love and Logic Parenting, you can have the kids do chores for you to make up for the "energy drains" they cause you when they fight, so more of your work will get done that way, too. :) I know it's hard when you have no transportation and no money (that's where I was for my entire married life, too). Just try to do what you can. Get the kids playing outside whenever possible (maybe they will even meet neighborhood friends they can play with, which also takes some stress off you) and walk to any park or playground that's nearby. If there's a church you can get involved with, that will help reduce your stress, give you other moms to connect to, other kids for your kids to play with, and maybe you could work out some kind of babysitting swap, also. Try to give yourself a break and know that others have been in your situation, too. I am here for you if you want to ask anymore questions or vent! :)

Answer 5

First thing....counselling for everyone. Your kids are acting up because of so much dissention between you and your husband. I would take a suicide threat (wanting to die) very seriously. The children are obviously unhappy. You don't need alot of money to entertain your children...a walk/run in the park, visit your library, reading etc can entertain them but if they are uncontrollable you need to get things under control before taking them anywhere such as a library. Try disciplining them when they are loud and destructive. For example have a quiet corner for them to sit in when they are misbehaving. Have the children pick up their things and give them reward stickers for helping. Tell them when they have a certain # of stickers for helping you will reward them with a trip to the park etc.(whatever activity you can afford to do with them). As for moving 28 times...wow. Is it work related and really necessary. Talk to your hubby about moving so much. It can really cause instability with the family. It's so hard to put down roots when you are moving so much....explain that to him. Also don't yell at your kids. They are probably being so loud to drown out all of the yelling in your household. Children learn by example. I hope some of my suggestions can help you.

p.s. You're not a bad mom, you are doing the right thing by searching out for some help.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

I think your kids understand that you are the boss, they just don't respect it because they resent you two. You can be very helpful by just spending quality time playing what they want to play. You can be very imaginative with a small budget. Simply making a fort out of blankets can be sufficient fun for kids. They don't need fancy toys to be happy and it's up to you to show them that.
You will have to slowly gain their trust back again. After so many moves, they probably feel betrayed by you guys in one way or another. Just put your best foot forward and try to show them that you are available for their emotional support. Striking up a conversation with them about the troubles they've had in the last year can be very helpful. They should be given the opportunity to vent their feelings. It sounds like it's been a hard year for them.
They need to feel safe and secure. If you cannot offer that by staying in one place, then you must be a safety net for them that never falters. They sense your feelings of insecurity as their mom. And dad doesn't help. The two of you need to discuss being on the same page because the children see that you aren't and will use it to their advantaqe.
Give them some things to do where they can burn off their energy and enjoy the activites together. Learn to be their rock and it should all come together as long as you keep your love and compassion for them.

Answer 7

Oh my God wow. I think you and your husband should spend sometime communicating more. Work out a schedule with him for taking care of the kids. They're so young so it's not like you can expect them to be silent, they're kids. It's what they do. I know where you're comming from. My sister had 2 boys in 3 years and they're a BIG handful. You just have to work out a schedule or just try to get things under control. Have you punished your kids? I know it might hurt you, but it might be best for them to help them just calm down. They sound like they need a little bit of discipline. Also, don't try to move anymore. It could affect your kids if they don't have at least one good friendship with some other kids. I don't know your circumstances for you moving so much, but I think if possible you should just stay in one place if you can't afford a car, food, or basic living needs. You can get parenting or marriage counsiling too if nessecary. Every household is different. I hope this helped and I'm sure you'll get your kids under control.

Answer 8

My husband spent his childhood very much like your children. They moved at least that much growing up. In fact the day he graduated his family had a uhaul waiting the parking lot. He grew up unable to make friends and he didnt socialize because he felt he would just be moving again so what is the use. Until I came along he didnt have friends and he still keeps people at arms length. He isnt comfortable around people.

Parents need to sit down and talk about issues like discipline, behaviour, and your values and morals that you want to instill in your kids. If you dont the kids are going to get mixed signals. It sounds like your children are crying for help. Have you and your husband consider counseling? Stability is so important to have in your lives. Do you attend church? That is a great source of support. What about your family and friend support system? I hope things work out for you.

Answer 9

WOW...first things first...you and your husband need to sit down and figure out how to disipline the kids without yelling at and spanking them all the time. Kids stop listening to the yelling after a while...they just figure mom and dad just communicate that way. Spanking only works if it's used in moderation and as a last resort. If they get spanked for everything, they just kind of give up on trying to be good. They figure that whatever they do, they'll get spanked, so why try.
You need to establish boundaries with them and stick to them. If you give in at all while you're trying to change their behavior, then they're in control of you. Remember, you're the mommy.
I know it's hard, but you really have to work at it if you want your kids to respect you.

Answer 10

try not to arguing in front of your children , there seeing that destructive behavior between your husband and you and think its normal to argue, fight, yell, scream, or whatever else goes on in your home, Moving them around 28 times does not give your children anytime to bond with other children, let alone make new friends. Try telling your husband it time to make stable home for your child and yourself. If you have to get Job to make this happen so be it, but you can`t sit by and let this continue to grow out of control. you might try some family counseling, if that does not work , just tell your husband if he does not get his home in order and his children, then your going start taking charger of the family and , no more moving, he can do the right thing or get out, Boys will watch their father behavior and think because daddy does it, it must be alright
Be blessed
mother of 3 and prego with 4th