making the trip (five hours) and helping out while here. But I was upset most of the weekend, as she annoyed me. And I don't know how to keep from showing my annoyance.
For example, she visited my estranged hubby and told me for about HALF AN HOUR how much nicer his place is than mine. I'm NOT jealous. But after a while the comparison was irritating. THEN she said, "His place makes yours look like a dump." Uh, THANK YOU. I eventually just went into my computer room.
Then she yells. She's a screamer and gets angry a lot.
How do I control MYSELF?
2007-04-15 01:37:11 · 9 answers · asked by TopLessOne 1 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Well, I have several (much older) half siblings but I wasn't raised with any of them. So really I am an only child.
2007-04-15 14:19:02 · update #1
Funny how the ones we love irritate us so much. I used to have the same kind of thing with my mother. I loved her but I just couldn't stand how judgmental she was and how she never understood my point of view on things. Over the years, as I got to know myself better, I came to realize that I am very much like her. The things I didn't like in her were things I found in myself when I started to get clear on who I really am.
Everyone in our lives is a mirror for us. People we encounter show us what kind of energy we're putting out. If you're not sure about this theory, test it out. Go out to a mall and smile and say hello to perfect strangers. In all likelihood, you'll get a lot of smiles and hellos back. Then change your personality. Act grumpy and frown a lot. Most likely, you'll get that back. Look at the things about your mom that irritate you. Then be brutally honest with yourself and see if you don't have some of these same traits. You'll surprise yourself to see how much like her you really are.
These things irritate you because on some level you recognize them in yourself and you don't like them. The way to overcome this issue is to accept that these traits are part of yourself, forgive yourself for the things you don't like and just be aware of how you relate to people. Each time you catch yourself doing something like your mom, stop and reverse it. It's an on-going process and it takes conscious awareness all the time. You'll slip and slide along the way but eventually, you'll find more happiness for yourself. By the way, my mother and I are good friends today so it's definitely worth the work.
And I applaud your approach. You're not asking how you can change your mom but how you can change yourself. That's the first step.
2007-04-15 02:05:51 · answer #1 · answered by innerradiancecoaching 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Living in your own place , you get to make the rules......You need to sit your mom down and calmly say..how it has really annoyed you this weekend how she's bringing up your ex's place.......let her know you appreciate her and everything she has done for you this past weekend and over the years, but that she needs to know it bothers /upsets/hurts you when she compares you to him and his surroundings. Tell her you're doing the best you can, and if she can tell you the Positive/Good things you've accomplished..rather than attacking your home/character~ you would appreciate that.
Communication honesty and trust are the 3 keys to a healthy long relationship without those you have nothing......
keep on smilin*
2007-04-15 09:33:28 · answer #2 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah I can probably agree that she does sound very annoying, comparing your ex's place to a dump at your place. What kind of mom does that? Unless you really live in a pig sty. You can solve this by kicking her out of your house and tell her to go visit your ex's house is she likes him so much.
Or the less dramatic approach would be to talk in mono-tone and short sentences in a very calm manner which usually makes the "screamer" even more mad at their expense. After a little bit they realize how crazy they sound.
2007-04-15 08:41:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is your mom, and you love her, but what is the sense of having her visit if she is going to bully you around? I know she was helping you, but what a price to pay! She is a guest in your home, and acting like that is not acceptable. If this was my mother, I would not invite her over or let her come over for a good long time. If she starts to inquire why you aren't available for her to visit anymore, make the statement,
"Mom, I love you and I want to enjoy having you here, but if all you are going to do is get angry, scream and insult me, you might as well not visit anymore."
2007-04-15 09:03:12 · answer #4 · answered by Annie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. My mother was a screamer and used to say things like that to me about my family. I loved her but she did work a nerve. You are an adult though and you need to at least talk to her. Tell her you love her and you are glad when she comes to see you but if all she is going to do is nag and nit pick and scream then she don't have to visit you. You don't have to cut her out of your life but she needs to respect you as an adult because you don't need any one including a parent to put you down.Just think about it the next time she visit you might snap and regret it because that is your mom and you love her and you know she loves you. Believe me I wish I could have told my mom that because she passed away in 1996 when I turned 18. I would have to let her know and let what happen fade out but I know she would have been mad but we would have worked it out.
2007-04-15 11:32:44 · answer #5 · answered by mrztreed1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Respect (appreciation) is a word a lot of people don't understand. Respect has to be reciprocated, or you will lose it and something bad will replace it. It sounds like it already has. If what you said is true, you have to distance yourself from her. It's not your responsibility to try to "understand" her because she is being selfish and insensitive to you. You are going through a tough time, and she is certainly not acting out of love.
Try to limit contact with her to phone calls. If you don't want to tell her why right now, she will ask you about it later. Be honest with her when she does, but don't accuse her.
2007-04-15 09:03:42 · answer #6 · answered by Nels 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You neglected to tell us where you stand in the family. Are you an "only" child? Or the "only" girl? - It sounds to me like your mother is trying to get you "back" with your estranged husband! She must like him a lot and thinks that your lifestyle has deteriorated since the two of you parted. Mothers are like that. They see down the road and without explaining themselves, they try to "push" their adult children in a direction that they feel is the correct path! I know, I was one of those mothers,,,, I am no longer ... I now just try to explain things to my adult daughters, and I always support their decisions. Tell your mother to try to remember when she was your age, did she listen to Her Mother? If you can't seem to get through to her, I strongly suggest that you distance yourself from her for a time... always be busy when she calls... don't be available for visits.... give her space to think about Her Actions... and good luck sweetheart... but be prepared for never ever changing her... she is your mother, your life would not be, but for her, and she is the only Mother you will ever have.... good luck...
2007-04-15 08:57:16 · answer #7 · answered by peaches 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Meet her on neutral turf or just be strong and limit her visits. She desreves respect and love, but that is a two-way street and it doesn't sound like she is giving much of the former anyway.
2007-04-15 08:47:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's called, in the South... "Payin' for your raisin'"... Remember all the missed curfews, screaming matches, arguments with her when you were in her house?
It's time for payback. She doesn't live with you.. Let it go.
2007-04-15 10:04:25 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋