Anyone know of a good religious joke?

Question

Im bored.

The wise man is the one who can laugh at himself.

ok my turn:

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

Answer 1

An atheist was walking in the woods, and was confronted by a bear. he then cried, "Lord help me, a bear's coming after me."

The Lord asked, "does that means you wish to be a Christian, my son?"

After a minute, the atheist replied," No! make the bear a Christian!"

The bear stopped in his tracks and held his paws up in prayer and said, "Lord, I thank Thee for this fool whom I am about to eat."

Answer 2

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Answer 3

In a small town a Baptist Pastor and a Pentecostal Pastor invited the new Catholic Priest to go fishing with them.

They all 3 got in the boat and rowed about 100 yards away from shore where they placed their hooks in the water.

After about 20 minutes the Baptist Pastor said he had forgotten the drinking water in the car so he stood up and stepped out of the boat and walked across to the shore, got the water and walked back across to the boat.

The Catholic Priest was very shocked but did not want to show it.

About an hour later the Pentecostal Pastor said it was lunch time and he would go get the food from the car. He stood up and stepped out of the boat and walked across to the shore, got the lunch and walked back to the boat.

The Catholic Priest was amazed but decided since he was a Priest in the Roman Church, that if these two non-Catholics could walk on water so could he.

So he said " I have to go to the car and get my sun glasses the sun is getting high in the sky.

So he stood up and stepped out of the boat and sank in the water.

As he was swimming back to the shore.

The Baptist Pastor turned to the Pentecostal Pastor and said "Didn't you tell him about the rocks"? and the Pentecostal Pastor said "No, I thought you did."

Answer 4

I heard this one on a Tv show I don't remember the name of it though:,"A Brain Surgeon and an Astronaut were talking about heaven and God. The Astronaut said: "I have been out in space many many times, in all those times I have never ever seen God."The Brain Surgeon then replied:"I have performed many many Brain surgeries but never ever have I seen one thought""

Answer 5

Why do Christians like to hang out in groups of three?? ... One can read... One can write... And the other likes hanging around with intellectuals.. BB.. )O(

Answer 6

Jesus walks into an inn in the middle of the night and puts three nails on the counter and asks the inn keeper "Can you put me up for the night?"

Answer 7

An old woman was in church when she turned to her husband and said ' I've just done a silent fart, what should i do ' to which the husband replied ' change the batteries in your hearing aid '

Answer 8

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.


Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.


Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.


In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.



A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.


Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."


The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"



I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.


I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


"Religious."


"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


"Christian."


"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Protestant."


"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Baptist."


"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"


"Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"


"Reformed Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"


"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"


To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


The Three Wise Women

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!



The Christian Barber

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had
been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,
"Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,
"Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."


Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"





It's in the Bible

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.


After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"


The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."


He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"


She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."


He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"


The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."


"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.


"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Answer 9

The fundies post funny stuff all the time. Just wait a little while.

Answer 10

An old woman asked Muhammad PBUH, would she go to Paradise? (Jannah). He replied no old woman will go to Jannah.
She started crying, then He explained, when you will be in Jannah, you will be young, not old like now.