When is it okay for a parent to hit their kids?

Question

My wife and I don't have kids. We're talking about parent styles. One of us knows a parent who hit a teenager and was reported to children's services, which raised the question. How old is too old for it to be an effective teaching tool? Is it ever a justifyable teaching tool? How do you teach kids, toddlers, without the threat of pain? Is this an acceptable plan for teaching?
1. Kid does something wrong.
2. Parent asks kid to stop, explains why; doesn't.
3. Parent tells kid to stop; doesn't.
4. Parent tells kid to stop, threatens "quiet time"; doesn't.
5. Parent insists on quiet time; ignores.
6. Parent threatens spanking; doesn't.
7. Parent smacks kids bottom.

I assume this isn't abuse. Is this acceptable? Is there a better way?

Answer 1

I've only spanked my kids (very rare at that)when it was a last resort. Usually when it involved something very dangerous for them! (When I really wanted to get their attention) I've never spanked hard, and never over a certain age. For me, around age 4. Time outs work for the pre-schoolers. Taking "stuff" or privileges from the older ones snaps them to attention. I've also found that for some odd reason, counting works. I can say "ONE" and my kids usually hop to attention. They think if I get to three something horrible is going to happen. I have no idea what they think this might be, but there it is (This might have been from the counting before the spanking??) Not sure, but it works.

The "something wrong" in your list would have to be more specific for me. Again, if the child is endangering him/herself that's the route I'd take.

It's great that you are talking about these things before you have kids. Don't worry, I can already tell that you guys are going to be great parents.

Good luck :)

Answer 2

Well, its a good time to start thinking about parenting skills.... before having kids.

Too often there are parents here that have a teenager that they are at thier wits end trying to figure out how to make them behave.... and all the time it is poor parenting skills that got them to that place to begin with.

First and foremost, understand that everything you and your child do or say must be with love and respect. Love and respect will get you a lot farther then any punishment. The best spanking does not hurt the child "physically" but emotionally. When the child understands that they forced the parent to stoop so low to have to punish them in such a manner, the pain of disappointment is far greater then any physical pain you would want to inflict on your loved ones.

As to your list:

If the child does not stop after being told, there is no threatening to be done. The child has been told it is wrong, and they have chosen to do it anyhow. They must be taught at the very earliest of ages that disobedience has concequences.... not more threats. For the toddler, its back to the crib for time out. For the preschooler, its sitting in the corner for time out. For the gradeschooler, its off to your room for time out. For the teenager, its give me your cellphone for the next 2 weeks for time out.

If the offense continues, punishment should increase. However, if you are consistent, you will find that as the age increases the ability for the child to use self discipline increases and the amount of discipline you must use decreases.

Eventually they grow up, and at that time we all hope that the need for external discipline has ceased.

When is it ok to spank? Some would say never, I say if it needs to be done then make it such a big deal that the child would rather die then force their loved ones (parents) into such a situation as that ever again.

Answer 3

As a parent of 2 and soon to be 3, here is how I feel...
Spare the rod, spoil the child. This whole "report to child services if you see someone spank their child" thing is crap. Timeouts don't work.

I think schools should go back to paddlings.

Spankings should depend on what the child did. Just like a criminal, the punishment should match the crime.

I believe in standing in the corner for various things, smacking the back of their hand for various things, writing sentences for various things, spankings for various things, and running for various things. I believe in putting soap in their mouth for saying cuss words.

What I don't believe in is hitting a child, regardless of age, any where except their behind or back of the hand. Anywhere else is abuse and should be reported.

I received my last spanking at 16 years old, in the 11th grade... and you know what? I deserved every swat I got for what I did.

Your above example is very leiniet. I've seen too many times where the child ruled the parent because of their leiniency.

Answer 4

I think it's acceptable as long as you're in control. Unfortunately in today's politically correct society you have to be careful not to do this in public--which maybe isn't such a bad thing, since I don't believe you need to publicly humiliate a child. I don't think you need to inflict real pain on a child either. I just don't believe that at 3 kids are equipt to reason. Boundaries need to be set from the beginning with rewards and repercussions that hopefully won't include spanking--but let's face it.... It's important and okay for children to know when they piss you off. It's also important for them to see you act on it in a mature and controlled manner. I don't really think a smack on the butt (as an exclamation point) is abusive. It just needs to be just that--an exclamation point and not the reflex reaction of everything bad they do, otherwise it will become their reflex reaction as well. Growing up I can count on one hand the number of times I got hit. The times I did, I deserved it. The rest of the time a look was all it took because I respected my parent--who set great boundaries for me by being honest, strong, and forgiving. Research is good, but sometimes you just need to go with your gut. Every kid is different--just like every individual is different. Just remember kids are people too.

Answer 5

1 thing you want to remember is to talk and listen to your child not just talk at it. It's okay to hit a child when they have pushed it to the limit, but not beat them, hit them on their behind or their hands. Teenagers need the most attention, if you build up a friendship with your child from the beginning, it will be easier to t all to them, they listen more than what people think. Teenager's and kids need to be yelled at once in a while, and a whipping of course, but don't make them scared of you. In my 18 year life time I have only been hit 2 times and lectured so many times, and I am actually glad I had all those lecture's it's true when they say parents know best,

Answer 6

I believe it is ok to give a small smack to your child. My parents always used to, and if it more frightening into obedience than actual pain I do not think it is abuse at all. I is acceptable to me, and probably many others too. In my opinion, this is one of the best ways, in combination with stern and prompt discipline.

I'm no therapist (not even close), but just providing you with a suggestion. I would recommend to use words first, but this method can be used without truly harmful consequences for you or the child. Your stated course of action seems fine; it is way more than I ever got.

Answer 7

It is wrong, just look up the stats on children who were hit and are now sitting in jail vs. children who were not hit now prosecuting the hit child.
You will only teach them that pain is the right way to suffer for not conforming to another’s ideas and opinions, respect is something that is taught and learned, through admiration, which all children are born with.
-mom of 4 ages, 5,6,10 and 14

Answer 8

well, it is unacceptable to "hit" a child, and some parents would say that spankings are out of the question. sually, with a toddler, just a stern "NO" and mabye a time out is all it takes for them to understand whats right and wrong. be sure to get down on thier level, look them in the eyes, explain why its wrong, and offer a distraction, like a favorite book or toy. toddlers are more emotionally hurt when they are spanked, because they dont really understand the concept of punishment. to them, they were just exploring new things, and dont know that certain things can hurt them. with the steps you have created, for a toddler, just getting through step five should be enough. if not, you just have to be consistent, and repeat the steps untill they have learned. with older kids, they understand the concept of punishment, and spanking also hurts them more emotionally than anything. it is easier to get through to an older child than it is a toddler. they know, if i do what i'm not suppose to, i'll be grounded, have my toys taken away, etc...i also believe that older kids who tend to get in trouble alot just need an outlet, like karate classes, after school sports, something to keep them active, focused, and interested in something other than ways to get in trouble. it all depends on the children, and the parenting styles you choose for your children. some parents tend to get a little carried away with spankings, and end up spanking out of anger, i think this is where it walks the line between dicipline and abuse. just be careful, and choose whats right for your children, and you.

Answer 9

If a time out doesn't work, you will have to try to continue to try to make it work. As frustrating as it is, what will you be teaching the child if you smack ? That they can smack other people? And what if the situation arises again where after step 6 you need to smack again? Useing smacking as an effective teaching tool will only teach the child to hit someone who does them wrong. No one can ever justify smacking. You wouldn't smack an adult, so why smack littlies? We are here to bring children up, not bring them down.

Answer 10

Personally as a mother of two and I have also raised both my nephews current ages of all the kids are 10 months, 14yrs, 15yrs and 17yrs I do not think its acceptable to hit kids EVER! There are those that believe spanking if fine but I am not one of those ppl I dont feel that inflecting pain on a child is teaching them anything other then to inflict pain on someone they dont think are doing the right thing.