Help with my 14 year old daughter?

Question

I live in another state than my 14yr old daughter there dad has custody right now.I fly at least twice a month to visit her and her 9yr old sister.I call 3 times a week to see how things are going she never calls me or seems to care whats up with that ? I feel hurt that she doesn't relize I need to hear from her without being told all the time. when I talk to her on the phone she doesn't open up and say much.Her dad and I do not get along so I try not to bring up anything negative,I just need to know if this is normal 14yr old stuff or am I losing her because I moved away?How can I keep the lines of commuication open with her and feel like I can still be a part of her life even though I can't always be there?

Answer 1

It could be both, I am 14 too.
As I am getting older and older, I am gettting more independent, and not talking to my parents as much.
Because o this, once a week, my parents made an agreement that we will go out to dinner every Thursday night, no matter what to keep our familytogether, we also go to Broadway Plays a lot, and Amusment Parks, and Zoos, and Baseball Games, and all that, to make sure that our family doesn't break up.
Now, I understand, that you are divorced with your husband, and you don't have all your daughters time, maybe just once a week, or even once a month you can make a day where you and her just hang out, do different things every time, like one day a Play, one day, Shopping, one day Movies, etc.... Even if this means taking her out of school, if you really want to spend time with her, you should do it.
Or maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable telling you stuff over the phone, maybe you ca do it by E-Mail, cards, even face to face.
Or maybe it is because of the divorce, is it a recent divorce?, maybe she is taking it too hard, sot her down, talk to her, explain to her. Tell her, would you rather me be sad, and stay with your father, or me be happy, and divorce with your father?
I know how she feels, when I was just 9 years old, my parents got divorced. I cried, and cried, and cried, and sometimes I still cry, but I was too young to understand then, but I am mature and old enough now, my mother is happier now, she is remarried, and now I have a cute baby half sister, and the best father and Step Father I can ever have!
But, I think it is mostly her age.
Good luck with your 14 year old daughter!
And if you need any more help, you can always E-Mail me at [e-mail]

Answer 2

My mom lived in another state when I was 14 too and I lived with my dad. My relationship with my mom sounds a lot like yours except she couldn't fly in that much. I lived in Ohio and she lived in Florida, it wasn't time or cost effective. She flew in maybe 2-3 times a year and I would go to her house during the summer. I have to say I felt emotionally detached from my mom. Even though I talked to her on the phone a lot, it wasn't the same as her being there. I always loved her, I just wasn't sure what to say to her on the phone. And sometimes she would call me when I was in the middle of something and I just couldn't or didn't feel like talking. I may have also held a little resentment towards her for moving in the first place too. I think as she gets older it will get better, but the distance between you very well may be because of the distance between you in mileage. If you can move closer I would. My mom moved back to Ohio when I was 17. Ever since then we have been much closer. If it's not possible, then all you can do is what you are doing. Call her and see her as much as you can. Who knows maybe when she's out of school she may decide to come stay with you and start a life near you.
You sound like a caring parent and in time she will understand that. It's just hard when kids are young. They don't understand how the world works until they become a working part of it.
Good Luck☼

As an added note, my dad never talked negatively about my mom. The feelings I had were all my own. But now that I am an adult I understand why she had to move and we have a good relationship. if she had stayed in Florida, i would probably live there too. Just hang in there she'll come around.

Answer 3

My wife was in a similar situation with my step-sons. They both were old enough to choose where to live, and they didn't want to move here, 1200 miles away.

She is the one always making the effort to talk to them, and they don't even call back regularly. But that isn't the point. And I think you know that.

You are doing the right things to keep the lines of communication open. Like another poster suggested, getting her a cell phone might help, along with email, cards, everything. She needs to know that you care about her and what's going on with her.

She is probably "oh man, it's just my goofy old mom" when you call, but she is 14, and that's the way 14 year olds are. You have to make the effort because she's still a kid, and you're the adult, and the responsibility for the relationship is mostly yours, at least for 4-5 more years.

So even though the situation is hard, just try to be there, and call regularly. You are involved parent, and that's what counts.

Answer 4

Well, hon - I don't know the circumstances that called for you moving away - but you can be almost positive, that your daughter feels hurt and abandoned. She probably has hurt, resentment, and anger toward you - and in that order. Kids often tend to feel its their fault, so she may suffer from that as well, or feel that she is not a priority to you. After all, you moved away. Her not opening up to you, or initiating contact, is not only her way of expressing the feelings she won't or can't talk about - its also her way of trying to protect herself from being hurt again. She might be afraid to get close to you, because it hurts too much; because what if you don't come back one of these days, or something happens to you? What if the times are good while you are there, but when you leave, it hurts all the more? Whether its your fault, partially your fault, or you just couldn't help it - your going away has emotional consequences, for you and her. As an adult, you struggle with them, but have perspective and maturity of mind to help you get through it. Your 14 year-old daughter, doesn't. And frankly, she's at that crucial age where she needs her mother the most. She may know you love her intellectually, but not in her heart. She may appreciate your efforts to stay in contact - but its not enough. And instead of getting defensive (I'm not saying you would, but just as a point) - understand and appreciate that she has a right to feel the way she does, and is processing normal feelings; reactions to YOUR actions.

I don't know if its been an elephant in the room, up to this point - but you might consider sitting her down for a heart-to-heart. Encourage her to spill ALL of her feelings, and assure her that you will hear her out, without judgment. Be understanding, and validate her feelings. Tell her the truth about how you feel, also. Things may not mend perfectly, but the two of you will have a closer bond and better understanding of each other. Do the same, with your 9 year-old. Don't wait for her to show symptoms. Be preventative. I think it would also be a great idea, to create a trademark (traditional) activity/time together, which is just for the you and your daughters. Spending summers together, as was mentioned - or two weeks out of a selected season (a major holiday might help). Use that time to bond with your daughters. Knowing someone, isn't anymore a one-time thing, than "being saved", is. Its a continual, progressive relationship which is refreshed or destroyed, daily. I wish you well, baby. Don't forget that she loves you, too. :)

Answer 5

You're over reacting. A lot. She's 14 and has been with him for 8 months. If she is a good kid other than the oral sex part then I suggest you give her back all her stuff and let her go to the dance. Just set up some rules about her boyfriend, maybe tell her that he's only allowed over when you're home and that if their in her room the door must be open. If you don't allow her to do stuff like this she will end up resenting you. You don't want to lose her, so you need to trust her with him. She sounds smart, I doubt she'll do something stupid. PS: Oral sex at 14 is extremely normal, at that age hormones are crazy. I'd be proud of her for lasting 8 months without having sex with him.

Answer 6

Your gut reaction is the right one. Fourteen year old people can be overwhelmed by the hormones, school, and being bombarded by the sexuality of music, movies, and TV, etc. (Think about it, when you are feeling threatened, your reaction might be to withdraw also.)
As you suggest, she may be "punishing" you for being the long distance parent. You might offer her additional control, not to make you feel worse, but to acknowledge her budding maturity. Ask her if she would like you to call less often or if it is okay to talk 3 times a week. (Maybe homework is taking more time and not talking is her way of getting off the phone and back to work.)
Too, this is the classic age for teenagers to start separating from their parents, it's painful, but normal. In the big scheme of things, we want to raise our children to be self sufficient. It really could be a good thing. You may be feeling left out, but we all do. As long as she is certain you love her no matter what, and that you are available to her when she needs you, then you are doing what you need to do. When you talk, try to keep topics a little lighter, a little less focused on family issues, ask about things that interest her--her friends, boys, clothes, her activities, whatever. If you try asking leading questions and then sit back and really listen, that's the most you can do. Give it time. Try not to smother her. Love her anyway.

Answer 7

Your loosing her because Daddy is probably telling your daughter that your a very bad Mommy. The world is full of hate these days. Also the moving could be part of it. When people leave the other parent kids attend to thing that you don't love them. The best way to keep the line of communication is to move where the girl lives. Also keep telling her on the answering machine how much you love her and what you have been doing for her but don't just tell her. You must actually do it. But personally try to ask her when the time is right on why she doesn't talk much? Then ask is it because you hate me? What have I done wrong is there anything I can do to help? If that hasn't help then what's left is for the girl to see it in her own eyes on how much you love and care for her. You then did what you could and all you can do then is move on, even though it's a very depressing moment.

Answer 8

The older a child is to becoming a young adult is harder from them to realize their parents are divorced. Don't get irritated or upset about what she does or says. She's at her father's house and she would probably not wanna say anything to hurt his feelings. When you do visit her, you should have one-on-one talk with her;how's school?,how your dad?, and how's your sister? She probably open up to you more than her father because girls go through the same things such as their mothers. Even though she may not talk to you as much,what 14-year old talks to their parents constantly? Sooner or later, she won't feel the need to have to keep her feelings bottled up inside. I HOPE THIS HELPS!

Answer 9

You are their mother and you left them...out of sight out of mind. They have gone on with their lives and you are not a part of it(other than the occasional phone call or visit that you make). You are a grown woman, yet your feelings are HURT because your 14 year old doesn't know you "need" to hear from her. What about her feelings...you are their mother, you are not there for them. Phone calls and occasional visits won't cut it. Lighten up on feeling sorry for yourself and take a hint from your daughters....move on with your life.

Answer 10

Nowadays kids want to be out on the road with there friends more than they want to be in the house so maybe she knows when you are going to be calling, and makes a point to be there that way she can talk to you. Then she is off again. I don't know if this is the case, but i was in the same situation with my parents, and i would make a point to be there when the other called, but other than that i was in the road.