Should I continue to withold my suicidal thoughts?

Question

I have been having these thoughts for a very long time. I will sometimes look down stairs and think how nice it would be to just fall down, or to shoot myself at school to be remmebered for something or to hang myself and well the thoughts or sort of random and all over the place.

I have never actually told anyone about these thoughts and I have been recieving therapy for depression and anxiety for several months. I'm not telling my doctor or therapist about it because I fear they would contact my parents.

I'm extremly anxious about my parents finding out about my depression, anxiety or any of my problems. I'm really just anxious around them (and just about everyone else) for pretty much everything. I've had a panic attack because I had to ask for a ride early in the morning and I just couldn't manage to ask.

I started taking zoloft a few weeks ago and it really hasn't changed anything besides making me more anxious about everything and concerned about problems that I would...

run into if I ever did get better (my weight, acne, scaring, looks, small penis (yes it isn't just average and me being overly self-concious, it is small) money, clothes, school and well everything).

Nothing seems to be helping me and I can't get anywhere. I'm stuck with no friends, being anti social, I'm probably not going to goto my prom and making it through school without having a panic attack is a huge struggle.

Sometimes I just want to end it so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

yes yes I know think about all the people that would be hurt.
You mean the people that talk behind my back and have tormented me for years? My family that have caused most of these problems?
Then I don't really have friends to think about now do I?

I have already told my therapist and doctor about the increased anxiety (I was brought there when I had a panic attack at school).
Since I haven't been on the zoloft long she wants to wait a little while.

As for getting a different therapist, I really can't. Money is an issue and I really really really don't want to go through my parents because of all the anxiety, crappy insurane and well my mom just lost her job and my dad is dealing with education expenses and a baby.

also I'm agnostic, please don't go on about faith and god this and god that.

I'm 18 and I have already tried the journaling. My therapist took it away because it caused increased my insomnia and seemed to be very angry and not helpful.

going out doesn't help at all. Whenever in public I get really anxious and twitchy and look like I'm going to pass out.

There is nothing I find comfort in, there is nothing I get joy from.

It is mandated by law that if a teacher therapist or whatever thinks that I could harm myself or others that they have to contact my parents.

then I don't really have to worry about my grades, they are fine. I'm already known as the nerd who knows all the answers.

Answer 1

Don't withhold your suicidal thoughts. If you don't feel you can trust your therapist to keep your sessions confidential, find another therapist. And be sure to tell whoever has prescribed you your Zoloft about how it's making you feel. When i was be treated for depression the first medication they gave me made me feel worse, but i didn't tell anyone because i didn't think they'd believe me. It was only after reading on the internet how others had similar reactions that i told my shrink and he changed medications.

But if you don't talk about what's not right--and obviously you feel your suicidal thoughts aren't--no one can help you with them.

Answer 2

It takes a while for the Zoloft to start working. Be patient. Those thoughts that you have, everyone has them, anyone who tells you otherwise is not telling the truth. It is normal to have those thoughts, it is abnormal to act on them. The Zoloft will not stop you from feeling the way you do, it is a drug that, let's say you laugh and the chemicals associated with happiness are released in your brain, the Zoloft will allow those chemicals to remain in your system longer. You will need another type of medicine for the anxiety. In the mean time, I would recommed that you run out to the grocery store or drug store and get some SAM-e supplement. It is a substance naturally found in our bodies, and does not have interactions with any drugs (like St. John's Wort can). Within one week you should feel a difference, it's not going to make you feel like you're walking on air, but you will just not feel paniced or anxious, you'll be calm. You will have to consciously work on keeping yourself calm and not allowing yourself to feel like you've lost control of yourself. None of us have perfect families, we just have to learn from the mistakes of others and not repeat them. You can have conrol over your mind and body, rather than the other way around. You need therapy, not just meds. You don't have to go through this alone, but you need the help of an expert to guide you, you're only in high school, you don't have to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Decide that you want to enjoy life and you will. You will have to do what it takes to get there, though. Tranquility doesn' just come from a pill, it is a life style that you will have to adapt. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

You should tell your therapist or doctor, due to the fact that your getting better treatment depends on what they know about your condition. Believe me your thoughts are normal and the pain is real. Let me share this, not to long ago a young man runs into a church shoots and kills his parents and a few other members, now mind you I am in there serving a high risk custody/fugitive warrant. So I immediately thought that the suspect under observtion had discharged his weapon somewhere's in the church. After realizing the facts and taking our fugitive in custody I was deemned the only agent available (clinically that is) to talk down the youngster.

I say that because he expressed some of your same concerns as the reason to why he has committed these horrible shootings, so that his parents would not find out that his suicidle thoughts are getting worse. I cried as I contemplated the sadness in his dilema and the possibility of killing him for the common safety of everyone else, it was a bad situation all together. Thankfully someone more experienced in this field of handling arrived, I was relieved of position and eventually he was taken into federal custody and is now being treated...
Please, Tell someone that the pain is real, don't think itwill work itself out if it has already gotten to this point.. Please!

Answer 4

This is more than likely just a hormone thing.Hormones for men and women get out of whack and make you feel like this! I do not find you crazy or mentally ill! You are a human being and you may just want to talk with a school nurse or coach! I would not even think of killing! This is some feeling that will pass! Everything Fades Away! You may just need a medication change! There are many ,many people who feel just like you out there! Get Out And Enjoy Your Life! You Have So Much To Look Forward To!Get your Medication Straightened Out ,And Start Volunteering! Ask Your Doctor To Speak With Your Parents.I Would Want To Go To The Emergency Room And Get Admitted So I Could Get My Medication Straighten ,And Talk With The Nurses There They Are Trained To Help You With Advice!

Answer 5

If it's a simple "what if situation" i don't think it's a problem we all try to imagine at some point what would happen if we suddenly disappeared. I strongly disagree on medicating unhappiness we have good days and we have bad days just because you're unhappy for more then a week or two doesn't mean that you have to be sedated and drugged up. I recently heard in the news that almost half of Americans are on anti-depressants, this whole "a pill for every problem" mentality is stupid beyond belief. If it's serious then friends are the key. I'm amused to say that your friends don't necessarily need to be supportive of you, recently a friend of mine who was seriously considering suicide(even attempted it once) said that i was more helpful by telling him he was weak and pathetic for even considering suicide then other friends who seemed condescending and always treated him like he was a loose cannon. I think that's what a lot of people need a little voice in the back of their heads that smacks them every time they have a "brilliant" idea like suicide Now i'm going to look at all the other suggestions you got because suicidal/homicidal monday is coming up

Answer 6

You are not alone. Your pain is real. You can feel better with help. Please tell an adult about your suicidal thoughts. Your parents may surprise you. If not your parents, then your therapist, or your school nurse or a teacher with whom you are comfortable. Somebody. Any grown-up at school will have a way to get you resources to help.
As you can see from all the answers, others have been in a similar situation and have been able to come through this dark tunnel to the other side. Medications can take time and your dosage may need to be adjusted. Therapy can take time. You need to give yourself permission to try to get better.
It takes strength to reach out for help and you have taken that first step. You only have to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Keep telling yourself, you only have to deal with one day at a time. It can get better.
It sounds weird, but a little sunshine can help. Getting outside and a little exercise can help. A pet can help. (Pets are pretty non-judgemental and can be very loving. If a pet is not a possiblity, perhaps a neighbor with a dog or cat will let you play with their pet.) If there is anything you find comforting, music, movies, a favorite food, ANYTHING, find a way to focus on your feelings when you are enjoying this one thing. Then look for another thing that gives you comfort. When you have a negative thought, consciously repeat a comforting one. Tell yourself that you will give yourself time to heal and that you want to heal. Take it one step at a time. Good-luck.

Answer 7

I am bipolar and have had suicide thoughts just like the ones your having last DEC.06. I wanted to die just to make all my pains and anxiety go away. And punish those around me for not doing things the way I wanted!!! I was having a psychotic brake down. Finally I called my counselor and she said I was in a crisis and need to go to crisis unit and see if I needed to go to the hospital. That was the best thing I ever have done for my mental health issues. I no longer want to die!!! I know now that a lot of what my mind was telling me was symptoms of my disorder. As far as your parents go I am sure they would like it if you were a live and getting help instead of being dead!!! Suicide is a very selfish act. My friend killed himself and his family and friends haven't been the same. You need to tell your doctor everything so he can help you. He can prescribe different meds for different symptoms!!! When I first started they diagnosed me with depression. Medications would either work for a little while or not at all. I have been on at least 20 different anti-depressants. Before my regular doc diagnosed me with bipolar. Even then it has taken me 4yrs to get stabilized and its only been 3 months so I am thankful for telling crisis that I was suicidal, I got the help I needed and I am doing better!!! I hope you make the dession to talk to your doc, parents, sucide hot line before you think suicide is the only answer because its not!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My email is [e-mail]

Answer 8

Little Brother -
First - The best thing you can do is tell your doctor how you feel. There may be other things going on with these drugs, he needs to know - sometimes these drugs have opposite effects and make things worse. Ya gotta tell him. He already knows your depressed - he's not gonna freak out if you say you felt suicidal - he's heard it all before.
Next - and I know almost everyone will disagree with me on this, forget about how your parents think. Forget it. Just forget it. They don't have any idea what you are going through. They are too close to you. They only know what they want to believe you are going through. They are gonna say things like, "Well, if he didn't listen to that record..." or "If he would just work harder in school he would...", or "If he would just listen to us he would..." blah, blah, blah...
I'm not saying they aren't looking out for you or they don't care how you feel, they just think if you did things their way everything would be all right.
Ask the doctor what type of depression he thinks you have. You obvioulsy know how to use the computer - have you done any research on depression at all? Why are you not an expert on the subject by now. Find out everything you can. Be a doctor, yourself. Start looking for ways to cure yourself.
Last - don't worry about the small stuff. Don't worry if you have acne. Don't worry about money (yet) What the hell do you need money for, a new CD? Forget CD's. Don't worry about friends, don't worry about dates.
Worry more about getting good grades - PERIOD. Right now make that your top priority. Get good grades. You know the guy in your class everyone laughs at because he asks such stupid questions? BE THAT GUY. You know the guy everyone thinks is a nerd? BE THAT GUY. At your age you have a lot of strength and stamina - use it for school. You can also worry about whether or not you're gonna be drafted into the military - worry about that.

Listen, you know all those beautiful girls you see on TV, walking around town, driving a nice white BMW with the top down? Well, just remember, somewhere out there is some guy who is just totally fed up with her.

Think BIG - think how your're gonna start up your own Environmental Consulting company. Think what you have to do to become a doctor yourself. Think about becoming an Airline Pilot.

You are only on this planet for around 100 years if you're lucky. That's a blink of an eye. Make the most of it. Once you die, you will be dead for billions of years - so you got plenty of time to find out how death is gonna feel like.

Don't think of this stuff as a bad experience, don't think of this stuff as a good experience. Just think of life as QUITE an experience - and we only get to try it once.

Answer 9

Why are you anxious around your parents? Can you explain why they make you feel anxious? If so, they need to understand it so they can help you. If it's something you can't explain to them, then it sounds like they are the real problem.

I also wonder how old you are. If they don't know about your depression, you must be old enough to get your own prescriptions. I'm having a hard time deciding what to say to you...I would just beg you to talk to your parents, if they are the sort of parents you can talk to.

We've had some suicides in our town lately, and my first thought is always: "How could they do that to their family?" Because it's easy to die. It's so much harder to live, and especially to live with problems. And if you die and leave that hanging over their heads the rest of their lives, do you really want to do that to them? To me, that's a fate worse than death.

If you don't care about your family or those who know and care for you, then I don't know what to say to you. I think you need someone in your life that you actually care about more than yourself. Don't take the easy way out. Life is wonderful, you just aren't looking at it the right way.

Answer 10

You will be really surprised how much your life will change after high school. During high school, you think that is how life will be...but it couldn't be more opposite! When you get into the real world you will find that all people aren't closed minded and immature like kids are in high school. Just hang in there : )
Life is great after you get out of the gossip ridden, immature, preppy rich kids school.
Trust me : )
It DOES get better...and if your Zoloft isn't working try something else! There are several different anti depressants and anti anxiety meds to choose from.
Shannon

Answer 11

First of all you need to be honest with those that are trying to help you. They can't help you unless you truly want the help.
It takes a bit for the Zoloft to work but it doesn't work fro everyone... anxiety seems to be your main problem maybe suggest Adivan along with your Zoloft... I take it for my anxious moments..works well with ablify. Be honest with yourself. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings and let the councilor read it and go over it. Where there is a will there is a way! It will get better as long as you put forth the effort too! Trust me