Self harm...?

Question

I have a 12 year old niece and Ive heard thru the grapevine that she's threatening self harm in front of her friends. Her mums confronted her about it and my niece says that she would never do it, it just slipped out. But Im not convinced, does anyone know how to approach this with someone so young, and please only sensible answers...

Answer 1

sounds like professional help is what she needs.

Answer 2

I suggest you take a look at the information on the Mind website...........

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+childhood+distress.htm


it might help you to understand something about the subject, why people self-harm, about childhhood distress and how best family and friends can help.

Self-harm is usually a coping strategy for the person doing it, a way of distracting from other problems, or causing a different kind of pain to the one that is upsetting them so much.

There will be an underlying cause, but it must be approached with your niece in a sensitive and non-judgemental way. Unfortuately being confronted by her Mum will not have helped at all, and may even have caused her to self-harm if she hasn't already.

That's not to say that I don't understand that the Mum will be worried, confused and even angry about the situation, but I know that it will not provide the right setting for your niece to be able to be honest about her feelings.

I work for a local Mind organisation, and we offer support, help and information for anyone suffering from mental health distress and also their carers. We have a young persons service that deals specifically with youngsters between the ages of 11 - 21. Please use the link below to see if there is one near you............

http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind+in+your+area/

beleive me, they do offer a wonderful service, and it would be a good way of getting more information to help you help your niece. If they also have a young persons service, or can signpost you to one, then that would be an ideal place for your niece to get impartial support and advice.

Please don't jump in and start accusing your niece, find out all you can before you approach her. She may well be pleased to know that someone will listen to her, and be able to offer practical advice, and help her to access support.

I'm glad you are taking this seriously and are trying to seek help and information. I'm sure that your niece will also appreciate it as well.

Even if, as she said, it just slipped out, it is obviously on her mind in some way. If she hasn't acted on these thoughts yet, then great, get her some help and hopefully it can be avoided, but if she has, try your best to be supportive and understanding.

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 3

Hi elle,

perhaps it was something taken completely out of context..that can happen a lot of times and if she's already been confronted and denied it then it's likely she wil do the same thing.

The way you approach is very important, you cannot be judgemental, try to guilt trip her into the "me and your parents are worried about you"..but you should state.."i am always here for you, if there is anything bothering you i will listen and we can work it out together"...she could still deny it...it will be hard to prove unless she has scares...and without mentally traumitising her you are just going to have to watch out for signs of

pain and discomfort when being touched
wearing badgy or conceiling clothes
and marks on her skin.

If you continue to worry perhaps ask her to go swiming or something and see her reaction...if that's an idea and if she goes you will be able to see if she has any marks on the non swim suit area, but a lot of self harmers (usually those more intent on hiding it) can self harm in areas rarely uncovered by clothing.

you could also go to your own gp and talk about what you should do or how to help her.

Perhaps printing out some information on self harming to make yourself more aware and then giving it to your niece, stating that you believe her (if she has denied it) but that you just want her to look at this stuff to help her understand abit more about it incase herself..or even a friend of hers (to divert attension or blame from her)...ever needs help.

i hope it works out, it could all be a huge misunderstanding though so try to keep an open mind, especially if you don't have any evidence she is doing it

Best of luck
x

Answer 4

I do not think you self injure for attention. I used to self injure and it took a lot and I do mean a lot of therapy but I was able to stop cutting, etc. Also went into special programs and remain in therapy. Some people do not understand why but it is not for them to. As long as you start acknowledging that you do it and you are willing to get help that is what is most important. It sounds as though you need to try and find a good Psychologist or therapist that you can confide in once you trust them. Also, you say that you do it to feel relief, but do you really feel relief. That is what a lot of people say and I also used to say that but truthfully it is only perceived, temporary relief and then things get worse from there. You have the pain from the injury and then the shame and guilt and so on.......tends to be a vicious cycle. There is typically a deeper cause to why you do this and talking to a Professional will help you get to why you "feel" you need to do this and help you find some other, healthy way to express your feelings. It sounds as though you definitely need to work through your attempted suicide. I realize your heart obviously stopped beating and they had to bring you back to life. Try, if possible to be glad that you are here instead of dwelling on the fact that you almost died. If you truly died (even though i understand what you are saying) you could not be here now asking for help. Asking for help is HUGE. It takes a lot and I do hope you can get the help you need and start to feel better very soon. Feel free to email me if you like. I wish you the best~

Answer 5

Just make sure she knows that you are always there if she needs to talk or just to moan about stuff in general. Maybe she has an older cousin who she looks up to that she could speak to?
She may not want to talk to her mum about problems, she could be embarassed about something she's feeling or just feels her mum wouldn't understand.
Most important thing is that she knows she has people who will understand her, not judge her and just listen. She needs to know she has someone she can come to for help and as much as her mum probably wants it to be her, you have to remember she is 12 and might not want to talk to her mum about things happening in her life.
An older cousin or friend is a good idea, as they are seperate from the general day to day home life and can be a good way to get out all her worries/anger etc.
Hope this helps and try not to get too bogged down in self harm websites as these can sometimes make you paranoid.
x

Answer 6

12 is very young isn;t it for this to be occuring. She may have just said something for attention. It is good that her mother knows that she said about self-harm.
All you can do is keep a close eye on her and check that she is not under too much pressure from school or bullying? Most self-harm when they feel angry or cannot cope with somethingn happening in their lives. I would suggest the Mother speaks with her daughters school to make sure their is no problems at school.

Social services would only become involved if the child did self-harm. please do speak to the school and the child.
My gut feeling is that she said it in front of her friends for attention or a reaction?
Most that self-harm don;t usually shout about it.

Answer 7

I would just sit her down in a quiet yet relaxed manner and assure her that if anything is troubling her, you are there for her. If her mum as you put it "confronted her", it's likely your neice put up the barriers and clammed up or even outright denied anything. She may need some time before she can talk to you, but let her know that you care and will be there when the time is right for her.

Don't put pressure on her to talk, let her take things at her own pace. If what she says (in the end) shocks, upsets or angers you, don't take it out on her as she will just clam up again. If you need help in dealing with such an important issue, ask for help from your gp.

Answer 8

self harm is normally done due to pain inside, self harmer's want to control the inside pain and so make a visible pain that makes them feel better for a while.
It is possible that she is just trying to get attention from people at school, she needs mum/dad to sit and talk about all of the things that are going on and why they are concerned, she may just say it was not meant as serious, or she may stop doing/saying it when she sees how much harm it was causing.
Also let her know she can talk about anything to you or a teacher, anyone she can trust ...and tell her that it will all be ok if she shares her problems.

Answer 9

She either wants attention or needs help. To be honest she sounds like its just for attention if shes boasting to her friends that she will do it. maybe you just need to find out if anything is wrong with her i.e. bullying? Alot of self harm is the result of someone being bullied as you will proberbly know. Plus, she is becoming a teenager, Hormones could be a problem?

Answer 10

If i was you i would just talk to her calmly and reassuringly that if she has worries about anything at all, it does not matter what it is you will not judge her just listen and try help her solve her problems. She seems as though she is perhaps trying to get attention from her friends, but advise her that this will make things worse by saying these things. I hope all is ok and good luck but be patient.

Answer 11

It sounds to me more like she wanted to sound cool or something if she said it in front of her friends. When I used to do it I was absolutely terrified that someone would find out...
Greater danger is that she will self harm just to be 'cool' in front of her friends.
You might try to show her that she doesn't need to show off like this...
Thought if she really has a problem and she's trying to solve it by self harming, my advise would be a big mistake!