Are having elderly parents growing up normal and does it affect you badly?

Question

I am 28 now but my father was 52 when i was born, my Mom was 46.
He was bed ridden and sick, retired from the age i was 10 to 21. I didnt realize it at the time, but i was always depressed and sad for those years. I would come home and wonder if he lying in bed dead.
My Mom was healthy and worked full time supporting him, took care of him like a nurse. From age 10 and on she had no time to do anything with me, take me anywhere, shopping or anything. Basically i had a boyfriend from 13 and on who i did things with..
My Mom is now frailing and old, shes 74,now i worry everyday about her death. She tells me i must hurry and get married, get a high paying job, forget getting my masters, because she will not be here very soon. I think this is crazy.
Is this normal for kids who have old parents, should elderly people even have children and put them through this?
Should i go get therapy?

forgot to say my dad died when i was 21, very traumatic and schocking slow death that i had to watch for 7 days. I had to withdraw from school and go to a therapist back then.

Answer 1

more and more women are building their careers before starting a family. they are older as first time mothers. don't let your mother give you a guilt trip. live your life the way you want. some kind of counseling would probably help you get through this. I think people should think more of the future when deciding to have children.

Answer 2

That depends on how forgiving you can be and how much you can cope with criticism from people who will tell you that you SHOULD forgive. If you read my other recent answer to a question of yours regarding your father-in-law you will see what I say about my brother. I am accused of being unforgiving but I have forgiven him. I am simply not prepared to allow him 'repeat performances' and a long distance between us is my protection. How you can translate this into your dilemma with your parents I'm not certain. Unless they are totally reformed characters I would say leave them to pay for help and support in their old age. You will end up feeling very bitter if you give up much of your time now only to find that they are unappreciative and abusive. Even verbal abuse is not acceptable from people we are helping. It's bad enough when paid carers are abused but if the care is being given freely that seems worse but it can also be freely withdrawn (or never offered). You must come to your own conclusions here because only you know the extent of the situation to which you refer but, if you feel it is going to ruin your own middle age or later years then I suggest you don't start something you cannot finish. You'll be criticized by others MORE if you withdraw help than you will be if you never give it in the first place. You have as much right to a peaceful existence as anyone else does and I hope that is what you achieve. Don't lose any sleep over this. Make your decision, either alone or after discussion with your husband, then relax and live life the way you wish to live it.

Answer 3

My mother was 43, my father 45 when I was born..I am nearly 39 and at that time it was most decidely not the norm to have a child so late in life! I was fortunate that both of my parents were exeptionally healthy, although my mother suffered from depression and mild addiction issues (none of which I realized until I entered therapy as an adult). I was very aware from a young age that my parents were older than those of my friends..an issue driven home by the fact my oldest sibling had two children when I was born and the majority of my nieces and nephews were all born by the time I was 10. While I had a happy childhood, it was not always easy. My parents were not as involved in my life and activities as they had been with my siblings, although financially my life was far more stable than the older kids had been. I was always, always worried that something would happen to my parents. My father died suddenly when I was 17, a month prior to graduation. My mother followed two years later, again suddenly, in her sleep. While I was fortunate enough to have my siblings and have a close relationship with them, the loss of my parents so early in my life has had a huge imapct on my realtionships, parenting, emotional healthy and life in general. Some of it has been positive...I was very independent very early, can handle just about anything that comes along and am a very involved parent.

While I love my parents dearly, I will openly admit that I wish they had been here to so my marriage and meet my children. Even if they had not died suddenly, the truth is it would be highly unlikely that they would live to see my daughter graduate HS. I made a very conscious decision, based on my life experiences, not to have children pass the age of 32. Even knowing that taking the best care of myself, knowing of all the advances in medicine and that more and more people live longer lives, I did not feel comfortable of having children at a time in life when the percentages for my being gone before they were established adults started to work against me. As for others, that is a personal decision, that only they can make.

I think therapy would be a wonderful idea. You sound amazingly like me in that I don't think you had a chance to truely grieve for you father or for the loss of your mother due to the responsibility she had to take for your family, your father's care and the finances. Her aging is naturally difficult for you and brings so many of those latent feelings to the surface. Find a good therapist and begin healing. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Honestly it isn't wrong for elderly people to have kids. I think you should live your life the way you want it too. Don't rush into anything you don't want to do because of your mom. Just do things you want to do but also be there for your mom. She needs you right now. The best you can do is take care of her and yourself. If she is meant to go at least you know she will be in a better place. Where she isn't hurting. My mom lost her mom and dad and she is only 37 years old. Her dad has been dead for 15 years now and her mom has been dead for 2 years now. Yea it is hard but I think you should be there and support you mom but at the same time take care of yourself. What you need is a good friend to listen to you and maybe you should talk about it with your closes friends. They'll be there for ya. But if you think you need therapy then go for it it won't hurt to let it out. But either way you need to talk about it to someone and just let it all out. I'm sorry to hear about your mom and dad but I hope everything goes alright for ya.

Answer 5

It is very sad to see your parents age. My mother passed in Oct at the age of 83. The thing to do now is love your mother as much as you can and show her that love everyday.Show her how much you have appreciated the life she gave you. It is hard to give them up , but if you show them love and kindness now you will have no regrets later. It takes a very special woman to do the things your mom has done for you and your family.

As far as age and having children when the mother is older really makes no difference in the life cycle.We cannot change what life has given us,just be grateful that you have had this time to share with her. Its really not about fairness, its about all the sacrifices she has made for you in your life.

Answer 6

There's nothing wrong with elderly people having children. It's not traumatic in my opinion. Though it's impossible for a 46 year old to have children as most women go through menopause when they hit 40 years old. There's a reason women go through menopause is because God didn't intend elderly people to have children.

Answer 7

Not all parents die so young. If you feel you need therapy, then go for it. As far as one of your answers. There are plenty of women who can get pregnant at 46 and not all women go thru menopause at 40.

Answer 8

It's fine if you have older parents, and it shouldn't affect you badly.