I need advise please?

Question

I am catholic born and raised. Last year I had the most horrible year by far. I got laid off and got sick, had to be hospitalized and had to undergo 2 surgeries. But what reallly hurt was the end of a relationship with my ex boyfriend. When we were together, he was suicidal and depressed and I tried to get him help and was there for him and helped him through all his difficult times. I found out he had a child with someone before we met and he was ashamed and wanted nothing to do with them, this was before we met. She was someone he barely knew, it happened and he said it was a mistake. I could tell it bothered him everyday, so I told him that it wasn;t that bad abnd he should get to know his daughter, but it was his choice. He finally agreed and met his daughter and he was so happy. But I found out also he was getting to know the mother of his child and he ended our relationship. What was worst was I knew this girl was not the girl he thought she was, and he turned on me

he was so cold to me and the both of them made me feel very bad about myself. I found out when I was in the hospital and he told me never to call him again. He is 29 yr old educated teacher. Not the fact that he should do whats best for the child, but it was the way he treated me. All of his suicidal comments came rushing back to me, he put me through much mentally, I had to seek therapy. They are no longer together, but he does not want to speak with me anymore. That girl and I are opposites in so many ways. He threw away a 2 yr relationship for this woman who lied to him and so on. To this day, if I attempt to talk about it with him, he will not return my calls. Is he ashamed? I feel he has not one ounce of remorse or regret for what he did to me. If anything I helped him, and I told him he should know his daughter.:( I cry everyday. Its been months., How to cope?

Answer 1

This ex boyfriend is an absolute loser. Thank God you are rid of him. You don't need to be nursemaiding a suicidal wimp. You need a real man who doesn't whine and doesn't expect you to console him all the time. You did the right thing by helping him and encouraging him to get to know his daughter, but your relationship to him was more like that of a social worker or psychologist rather than a girlfriend. Perhaps you have not experienced a warm, loving relationship with a real man who treats you like a real woman. Hold out for that kind of relationship. Never give up on it. There is a real man out there for you somewhere.

Your ex boyfriend knows, deep down, that he was wrong and that he treated you badly. Part of your pain is knowing that he disrespected you and that he did not value the love you gave him. This is not your problem. It's his problem. He couldn't handle the situation and is sneeking out because he is a coward. You have plenty of love to give, and it needs to go to someone who deserves it. You have left part of yourself--your energy--with this guy. Reclaim the part of yourself and the energy you gave away to him. Pray and meditate. Be sure to thank God for saving you from the misery you would have had with this unmanly fellow. He doesn't sound mature enough to be able to be a part of a true relationship. I call guys like these "doughboys" because they haven't been in the oven enough to be a golden brown. They're pasty and wimpy and immature.

I was once dumped by a guy like the one you describe. I had been nothing but good to him. I had bolstered his confidence when it was low. I helped him and gave him so much, and he turned on me. He dumped me in the most unceremonious way, and I felt miserable. I thought I had lost a lot, because he was a handsome, intelligent, well educated guy. I thought he was "perfect". Within the year, I started going with my present husband, who was so much better than the guy who dumped me I could hardly believe it. That was 25 years ago.

I was very surprised when my ex boyfriend looked me up on the internet 3 years ago and called me at work. It had been so long since I'd thought about him that it took several minutes before I even realized who he was. He told me he wanted nothing from me, but simply wanted me to know he was sorry for the way he had treated me 20+ years ago. He then told me that he had three ex wives and 8 children ranging in age from 20 to 2 years old. He was having to support them all, and it was wearing on him. After the conversation, it struck me that he was probably in a 12 step program. He was making amends to people he had wronged. We had a fairly good conversation, and I believe I truly forgave him.

Your ex boyfriend knows he was wrong. He may never admit it to you, but he knows it anyway. Forget about him. In fact, AVOID HIM LIKE THE PLAGUE! Don't call him--EVER! Get busy. Make new friends. Spend time with old friends. Start working on your hobbies. Find people who make you laugh, not cry! If you can date a best friend, do so. Best friends are the best people to marry! There is a big, wide, wonderful world out there. Keep looking up! Make a big effort to do things that will make you happy. Give YOURSELF the care and attention you gave the suicidal wimp. Find friends who will care for you. Real friends will not betray you like this guy did. DON'T TAKE HIM BACK! He is a user. Have higher standards for yourself. Never give up. There are good times ahead if you are good to yourself. Above all, pray night and day. God knows what's going on, and He will bless you.

Answer 2

The hard thing is facing rejection. The idea that we were not chosen over another makes a person feel bad.
The truth is that you are wallowing in self pity and understandably so, you have been through a lot, but that does not change the fact that your keeping yourself down by not accepting that he is not "the one".
Come to an understanding that you deserve someone who chooses you first of all, and second look at the guys behavior, do you really want a dick head like that in your life?
Move on to greener pastures, even if your single for a while that does not mean your unloved or less than someone else.
I would not want to be the relationships I see most of my friends in, i would rather be single until I meet the right one.

Answer 3

It sounds to me you should just let him go. Sometimes when you love someone but they don't care for you anymore, you should just let them go. He may have the suicidal thoughts and behavior but don't you think it could have been also for attention. If a person has these thoughts and tell someone it is for attention I've been there done that. He would have already done it. Anyways I'm sorry you are going through all this but the way to cope is probably to find someone it your church and get to know someone that may have the same beliefs as you do. It might be a better and happier situation at a time like this. This guy wants to be left alone right now. Wait for him to call you. Give him time to collect his thoughts. And he is dumb if he doesn't want to be in his daughters life. Don't bother him he will come to you and if not so be it that way just find other people more positive for you in your situation to hang out with and just keep this guy in your prayers. Thats all you can do right now.

Answer 4

I think that he is subconciously feeling some regret whcih in turn makes him snap, not return your calls, etc. I think he also may be feeling some residue of the major depression; if it has been about 2 or 3 months, it is quite possible. Depression doesn't go away that easy.
You being Catholic, I think the best thing for you to do right now is to pray to God, and put the situation in his hands.

VadersWife

Answer 5

Wow you've been through a lot. You should move on even though it was a long relationship. Take your time and find the right guy who loves and respects you. when you ready. I don't know if your still a participating catholic, but keep having faith and keep praying. I'm a catholic and I will pray for you and others in situations like this. God Bless!

Answer 6

You need to emotionally close the door. Find something new to get your mind on like a hobby or new group to be involved with. Do you sing? How about the Choir at your church?

You need to more on with your life which is worthwhile without this guy. He has made his choices and more than likely he cannot face you again. But you are worth moving on and being happy again.

There is so much more to life than this one relationship, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

Answer 7

It is a universal law that if you react to some action the reaction produces more intense reaction and the chain goes on. It is therefore advisable not to react at the first place so that the action gets humbled. You should apply this in your case and do not react at all and keep quiet for a month without any response from your side. I guarantee that you will receive a humble response after a month.

Answer 8

First of all i am a guy and i know the faults that men have
No man is mature enough when it comes to relationships with women.
Yes, you lost a man who was very important in your life. He has gone on to greener pastures and left you holding the bag.
So make this a learning experience as men are fickle and not very loyal when it come to love and relationships. They are immature and make bad decisions.
What is worse. He was not loyal to his first love and threw you over for a women he hardly knew and a child who made him feel guilty.\
Learn from this bad experience. Not all men are like your faithless boyfriend. Good Luck. It will be very hard for you to trust again..but try..without faith and trust..there is nothing.

Answer 9

At 14 all you should be to each other is best buds. Enjoy your friendship. If it is meant to be more, it will stand the test of time and and the separation if you go to different colleges. And if you were not meant for each other, who knows, maybe you two will be life long friends...which is so rare, and so wonderful :) So, stop worrying about romance, and concentrate on the mysteries of algebra, because whether or not you two are meant to be together, having a good paying job is a wonderful thing to have :)

Answer 10

Hey sister, move on with your life. The guy doesn't seem to have a mind of his own if what you say is right. Moreover, if he is yours, he will return to you. If you continue to put all your hopes on this guy, you will end up loosing out on God's plan for you. Do find a God fearing man who would marry you and not just use you to release his sexual desires. Try to keep sex within marriage and you will have fewer disappointments from men. Good luck.