how can i get over a misscarriage?

Question

Yesterday i just had a D&C because i found out that my baby had died inside of me. I'm having a really hard time with it. I can't look or even talk to my finacee without yelling at him or crying. How can i get over it fast because i dont want my depression to distroy my relationship?

Answer 1

Hi -

Miscarriages are very hard emotionally and you never really do get over them. You have to learn to accept it and live with it the best you can. I had a D&C at 14 weeks for my first pregnancy, on the 12th week the doc found no heartbeat, she had me wait a week before bringing me in for a second ultrasound which showed deterioration and still no heartbeat (no spotting or any signs of natural miscarriage either) so the doc scheduled me for a D&C on my 14th week. I was angry with everyone for a long time, I couldn't look at a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn, I wanted to know why me. What was worse is that I started seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere, more than I had ever noticed before. It just felt unfair and I was devastated. Then I got pregnant again and found out I had a bicornuate uterus which was then attributed to the m/c....I was scared for the new pregnancy and due to the shape of my uterus and DD being in the smaller more confined area she never once moved throughout the pregnancy....I couldn't wait from week to week to go hear the hearbeat because I had no other way of knowing how she was doing. Anyway, she was born via an emergency c-sec, had low birthweight and did just fine.... BUT then i had 6 other miscarriages between her and my son. I cried everynight, I hated myself, my body, everyone that had babies, etc .... I suffered alone, I didn't need D&Cs for the following miscarriages (or rather, even if I did I didn't follow up) - one time I bled so profusely and clotted so badly I passed out, I was to the point that I didn't care, I just wanted another baby. I kept trying since I knew that if I had one I could have two....and then came my son, he was a premature birth but he did okay.

I still want more kids (always wanted a big family) but time is running out and I can't take any more losses....the worst part is that the one I always remember the most is the very first one. The pain never leaves.

I find talking to people helps. My friends never had a m/c and the rest of them never wanted kids so they don't understand nor want to listen so I find being online with other people that went through the same thing is very helpful. I also tried the adoption route (with two misses that way also) and made a lot of friends through that journey that had the same situation I had.

The more important thing is to talk, know you are not responsible for what happened, and embrace each new day. Don't shut you SO out, its his loss too. It's hard but it is well worth the trials of talking to one another to reach the point of acceptance so that you both can move forward and look to having a baby.

Good luck, and many hugs to you
D.

Answer 2

Hi Jenna,
Thats some really sad news :-( I dont think that loosing a baby is something that you can get over. I know that for alot of parents naming & acknowleging baby can go a long way to accepting what has happened. I hope that you have the love and support of a caring partner who you can sit down with and talk about how the loss of your baby has affected you, and can give you some space and understading when you get upset. Mabye when you are feeling up to it you could organise a wake or funeral for your baby, or if you prefer just something special between you and your partner like writing her name in the sand at the beach putting a memorial in your garden. None of these things will bring your baby back, but mabye in time they will help you to heal

Answer 3

I had a miscarriage, on the 4th of this month so I know how you feel. I feel bad that the baby died but I really didn't need another one. Because I already have a soon to be 7month old. And when I told my boyfriend who is also the father of the first baby, he got mad and said that I owed him another baby, I knew he was playing, he kept saying that he was sorry but he still wants a boy.

Answer 4

Your Dr is a jerk for not encouraging you to get counseling and possible medication for post partum depression - you were looking forward to this birth and to have the Dr so casually dismiss you without proper referral is appalling.
There are on line groups that can help: http://www.angelfire.com/emo/miscarriage/
http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/6461.asp
www.fertilityplus.org/faq/miscarriage/resources.html

They can help you get the resources you need to go on. It might help to write a letter to your unborn child and put it under a fruit tree so when it grows you know the heavens have told your baby how much you care and something of your child will always be a source of joy. It is never easy to lose a child but there are people who can help. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Time heals everything. Focus on your health sweetie. Be happy you are healthy and that you will have more time to have more babies. You have an angel looking after you in heaven now. I know she/he wants you to be happy.
If your fiancee can't understand what u are going through then be glad you didnt marry him yet. If he can understand this then you were meant to be. Maybe he is going thru stress also. It is difficult, although ive never been there.
Consider this a test and ironically a new beginning.

Answer 6

So sorry for your loss.
Maybe you can tell your doctor about the depression. They can get you a good therapist. You may also need medication depending on how you feel. You're hormones are crazy from the pregnancy and that takes time to get back to normal too, so you are going to be an emotional mess. I'm sure your fiancee is upset too. You both need eachother right now.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

How could you quickly get over the fact that your baby died? I don't think you can! And I don't think you'd want to.

You didn't just lose a child, you lost your hopes and dreams for their life. You lost walking them to school and making Halloween costumes and going to their baseball games. It's okay to feel sad about that.

What isn't ok is to take it out on your fiance. The child was probably his too? Guys don't know what to do with their lost hopes. When we had a miscarriage my husband didn't want to talk about it because he thought it would make me feel bad. Guys tend to want to solve problems, and they don't know what to do when there's a problem they Can't Solve. So he may not be very helpful for you, but it doesn't mean he didn't love you or want the kid.

They used to have customs that helped people deal better with grief. In the Victorian age, people actually wore black for a year--just looking at them made their friends remember that they were having to deal with something heavy. We wouldn't necessarily want to do that anymore, but still need ways to deal with grief.

You may be surprised to find that some of your family and friends have had miscarriages already--when you're ready for it, you may feel better talking to them.

Try to take life easy--try to limit the amount of stress you're under if you can. Take some time off work. If you can't do that, at least send out for pizza! Try not to push yourself. Be with people who love you. Watch movies you like. Eat cookies. Take care of yourself!

Answer 8

For starts go to God in prayer.....pray for guidance straight and healing to get through a difficult situation. You might want to consider counseling along with your husband maybe through your church with your preacher or even deemed necessary seek else where. I know that it has to be a real hard thing to deal with however, you must remember that it is NOT your fault, nor you fiance's it's NOT God's either. Sweetie, I know it's hard to accept, and even hard to believe this, but things will get better don't give up on God or your fiance'. More than anything be there for each other and just hang on. Praying for you and your fiance'....God Bless you both.

Answer 9

There's no perfect words to make it all okay again. LIfe will never be the same, but you have to remember that there will be other children, perfect and beautiful and you'll get to watch them grow up. Be happy because life does go on and time will ease the pain. Just take it one day at a time and remember your precious little one is in heaven now where it will never know pain. It's okay now, and you can be okay too.

Answer 10

You know it really takes time, I have miscarried twice and it really overwhelmed me. First thing everyone will tell you that it was natures way of taking care of something that was wrong. That won't make you feel better, but in the end you'll realize its true. Let your self go through the process of grieving. Remember just because you miscarried doesn't mean you will never get pregnant again. It will get easier.