What can I do about my mother?

Question

Okay,she gave birth to me(and my 3 sisters) and my parents divorced in 1977. I love my mother but I don't trust her.
How can I when she has lied to me so many times before?
The last time that I've seen her was around Christmas and she lives with my sister who doesn't live too far from me.

I try to be in her life but she seems as if she takes advantage of me and all.I love when I'm with her but I can't learn to trust her.
She's let me down most of my life and I have her e-mail & when I try to contact her,she never replies back or never calls me.I have tried to get in touch with her but I get upset because we never hang out that much anymore.

This is a serious question and I've been depressed most of my life because of it.I just hope that one day she'll come through.
I miss my mother.I love her very much.I have a step mom(since 1995)and she seems to be a better mom to me than my biological mother.

Any thoughts or advice u can give? Thanks.

Thank you very much for all of your answers.I have learned to not depress me as much anymore & I am living my life better.
She has been busy with her job but she does have a day off(I assume),so I want to thank you all who have replied.

It's hard dealing with this,but I know that here is where I can get some good advice.I cherish those I love & love me back & no matter what my mother does to me,I will still love her no matter what.

All or most of your ideas & advice are good & I wish that I can give you all a best answer,so you figure it out & if you come up with a deciding vote-let me know.Thank you all so much 4 your help.

Ok,I have to make a decision,since I just got an e-mail,so please forgive me if I don't pick yours.Most of all of them were great & I appreciate it very much.So,the best answer is....

Answer 1

I can only tell you what helped me improve my relationship with my mom.
We did not have such a big problem but there were some things I needed to understand and forgive.
One day I was talking to a friend and he said the simplest thing...your mom is just human!
Ok I don't say I thought she was from mars or anything...but sometimes...most of the times...we tend to see our parents just as parents.
First of all not all men or women are capable of being parents,so don't get me started about GOOD parents!
They try,I'm sure they do,but it doesn't mean that they get the job done!
Your mom is not only a mother,she's a woman...an everyday woman...and she makes mistakes.
She may be too preoccupied with her own life,to start thinking what is the impact on you.
Whatever the case,you've tried...you know you've tried so what's left for you to do for your own peace of mind is to take a step back,forgive her (as hard as it may be) and let her come to you.
If she does...just open your heart and give her a chance...she may win your trust little by little...
If she doesn't...you'll just have to let her be and live your own life promising to yourself that when you'll be a parent you'll be a GOOD parent!
That's all you can do in my humble opinion...
I really wish you the best and I hope you'll be able to find the happiness within you:-)

Answer 2

same here. more or less. much older now and she is 84 and still will never have the bond i would like. nothing has ever worked to have an ongoing good feeling. she only likes you if you if you act like she wants. she was always too easy to run me down. she just doesn't have the nurturing, mothering gene. she is more a hard nosed business woman. whatever made her that way is too bad. bad for other siblings. just lacks something i saw in friends' mothers. she always seemed to do only the obligatory things mothers usually do. the thing is, i realized long ago that she is not alone. one friend had the all-time worst. she made me think i was lucky. its the luck of the draw. some people lack the ability to bond and love very easily. mother had it tough, i understand. it hurts very much anytime i consider others' advice -- forget about her. easy to say. just remember it is not you. don't let her behavior define you. you be loving and nice to her to make up for what she is lacking. consider how much loving she missed because of her flaw?

Answer 3

Natural Mother - I desired to father or mother my son, there was once no use for him to be followed as I was once in a trouble wherein I would have enough money to elevate him (running) however although I hadn't I could were eligible for advantages and as we have now the NHS I shouldn't have needed to fear approximately scientific or dental therapy as each are unfastened. The excellent technique to describe it's an invisible amputation and it's intestine wrenching. I have suffered with melancholy, been suicidal, self harmed, been indignant, hated myself, blamed myself felt ashamed. It took reunion to paintings by way of the entire feelings however I nonetheless have my unhealthy days and it is going to continuously be a existence sentence.

Answer 4

Oh sweet person, I feel your pain in this separation from your mom! Love her, not because of, but in spite of. You love as you do, give what you can, offer what you have; and then I want you to rest!! Rest in the fact that you have tried to be the best son that you can. All you can do at this point is find peace in the knowledge that you have done all you can to be all you can be! I can relate to everything you are dealing with, I have been there and done that!! I wanted so much for my relationship with my mom to get better, but then I had to release all the tension and accept that "it is what it is"! I knew that one day, maybe we would work it out. I went on with my life and concentrated on those that did show me their love for me. My mom became ill, and I was there for her and still thinking that, now will be our chance to reconcile!!! I am sad to say that it didn't happen....at the ending of my mothers life she didn't even recognize me for months! So before she died, there was never a conversation, never an apology for all the hurt caused. Jdub, guess what ? I was ok though, because I knew in my heart that I had extended my all to my mom and I could live with the knowledge that I had loved her, in spite of!!!!!! It will all be fine!

Answer 5

I have a similar problem with my father. He emotionally abused and physically harassed my mother, step-father, and grandmother. Now, after many years of not talking to him, he's wanting to be in my life again. He sounds completely devastated when he leaves me messages, but he's a master manipulator. He's always wanted to see me when it was convenient for him, and it feels like that now, too.

I'm having a hard time reconciling the past and moving on. Reading stories about those who have lost their parents makes me feel guilty for ignoring one I still have. My step-father has always been there, though, so I was never really missing anything. Ultimately avoiding my father is like any other relationship: fear of being hurt again.

Unfortunately I don't really have a solution, just empathy. As disinterested as your mother seems (just from what you've posted), I don't know if I would try to rekindle your relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

Well, if you're old enough to live on your own, it's time to grow up and become less of a mama's baby. Make new friends to fill up your time, fall in love. You'll still and always will hold a place in your heart for dear old mom but you shouldn't feel so depressed just because your mom is no longer so constantly in your life. Most people start moving away from mom starting in high school so by the time they move out of mom's house, you're ready for the outside world, checking in with mom only periodically because she's mom. Many moms too want to know their kids can go out in the world and get on with life without mom's constant supervision and interference--that's a sign of a successful upbringing. If you're finding you are so depressed and so constantly about mom issues, go to a therapist who will help work this out with you. Love your mom, leave messages letting her know you're thinking of her, send her cards, etc. But don't expect anything in return so if she ever does "get back to you" it is a wonderful welcome surpprise. You are relying on your mom too much to provide happiness and contentment. You are an adult now, find your own happiness and contentment with other people.

Answer 7

I have to say I'm sorry u feel this way about your mother. It is hard when you want to be with someone, but they don't seem to have time for you, only when they want something. I have to say I had my whole family do this to me after my mom died. I tried to keep in contact with them, but it just didn't work. The pain was to much for me. I had to let them go. You may have to do the same. Sometimes the people around you are more family then the one god gave you. So love the people that love you back.

Answer 8

you have to sit down and put your cards on the table with your mother and tell her how you feel. You are not getting to the root of the problem because it keeps getting put on the back burner. If she's lying to you find out why. My god you cant go threw life like this. You should be having your fun now instead you are hurting. You need closure to your questions and the only one that can do that is your mom so do it. What have you got to lose only yourself if you dont.

Answer 9

Relationships (family, friends, and girlfriends) are sought out to heal us from our wounds in other relationships. It seems you've been blessed with a step mother who will heal some of these wounds.

Advice, talk with your step mother. Then talk again with your step mother ... then talk more with your step mother.

During these talks try to get a list out what you want from your mother. Then brain storm, or role play this with your step mom. Be realistic and recognize what your natural mother can and cannot provide. You can make peace by simply identifying her weaknesses and then stop crying for stuff she can never give you. It's when we stop setting ppl we love up for failure that a relationship can mend and grow.

Answer 10

Your bio mom does not know how lucky she is to have such a caring daughter. I know within my own situatiuon with my mom, I try and try but you come to a point where you get depressed. I learned that it is not me and my bio mom will never change, however in your case you have another chance at a daughter/mother realtionship with your stepmom. For that you are lucky. Move on in live and enjoy your time with your step/mom. And remember it is not you!!!!