My husband and I recently had our son move out due to some things he was doing that we did not approve of. He was literally doing things that could have put my family in danger, so we thought it was best for him to leave. I took his car away from him since I bought it and was hoping that one day he'd straighten out so I could give it back to him. So he's currently riding public transportation. Today he is suppose to come over and pay me for his portion of the cell phone bill. I called him several days ago to say it was due, so he knew. A little while ago he calls and starts yelling at me asking why I won't let him send cash through the mail for his bill because he doesn't want to take the bus to my neighborhood. I told him that this was his decision to live the live he's living and I'd shut off the phone if he doesn't pay today. Should I hold off on selling the car or just put it up for sale? I'm tired of his crap and he doesn't seem like he's learning anything by being gone.
2007-04-13 07:58:48 · 16 answers · asked by 2Beagles 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
He is scheduled to go to culinary school in August.
2007-04-13 08:05:31 · update #1
Someone mentioned having the funds transferred electronically for his phone bill. He was doing this when he lived at home, but when he moved out he decided he didn't want his money going to our account, which was really his account. He paid his phone, insurance, and was saving money towards his rent for school all from that account. My husband and I have always praised him on his culinary skills, but just will not put up with him otherwise until he is willing to grow up.
2007-04-13 08:18:48 · update #2
I was just reading someone's reply on saying taking the car away was too much. I don't regret that one bit. He had so much damage to it we made him pay for the repairs. He didn't care about it one bit. The one person was right when she said parents don't owe their kids a car. I definitely learned my lesson with my son.
2007-04-13 08:22:46 · update #3
I offered for him to buy the car, but he doesn't want to pay interest on a loan!!
2007-04-13 09:18:30 · update #4
I have to add that the reason my son has to come over to the house to pay the phone bill is because he left his checks here when he moved out. All he has on him is his debit card.
2007-04-13 10:08:50 · update #5
As painful as it is, when you have an adult child who is making choices that are harmful to the rest of the family, you have to be willing to let them feel the consequences of the choices they are making.
He can get a trac phone and pay for it himself from whatever job he has. You do not owe him any car or phone. That has almost become a modern myth that parents should provide these things.
Cash through the mail is a guarantee that no payment will be made because he can always CLAIM he mailed it and someone stole it in the mail. No one should ever send cash through the mail as a payment for anything! There is no proof it was ever sent and no receipt should something happen to it.
Since you gave the car to him to begin with, what you decide to do with the car is entirely your decision. Unless you truly need the money for something else, you could sell the car and use the proceeds to get an interest bearing bank account or CD which you can either use to get another car when the time comes or use as a nest egg for the rest of the family to take a trip.
Far too many people enable their grown children to 'live the life of Riley' and never pick up the tab on their own lives.
If you truly want "Junior" to experience being an adult, let him be responsible for getting his own phone and arranging his transportation issues since his behaviors indicated his lack of appreciation for what had been provided.
Tell him frequently how much you love him and how much you have confidence in his ability to make GOOD choices, but don't give an inch on things that are bad or that set a bad example for the rest of the family.
And tell the other children (if any) the truth about the circumstances so that they don't misunderstand the issues.
Good Luck!
2007-04-13 08:13:52 · answer #1 · answered by stonechic 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he was putting your family in danger, don't feel bad taking anything away and kicking him out. Public transportation is good for him at this point. I told my son before he turned 16, he had to have a B average in school, have a job for 3 months, buy a car, pay his insurance and pass a drug test. He decided not to get his license until he was 18, and he has been in the Navy-active duty since he graduated from high school. If you don't look out for the rest of the family, you can't really expect an 18 year to. As far as the phone goes, I would tell him he has to give you $200 deposit and pay the monthly bill 7 days before it is due. If he doesn't pay you by the time you have to pay your bill, his phone is cancelled and he looses the $200. As far as the car, he doesn't want to pay interest? Does he think he can buy a car and not pay interest? Hope he has a really good job and good credit! Sell it! You gave him a car and he totally took advantage of you! Hard Love will be your only salvation to straightening him out. If you keep 'giving' him stuff he will never realize he has to work for what he wants and will continue to use and disrespect you.
2007-04-13 15:43:21 · answer #2 · answered by mermade200g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand making him leave, and also you had every right to do so, but taking away his car seems a bit much, even if you did pay for it. He has every reason to not want to see you,(That's how he's thinking.) Especially if he doesn't want to ride Public Transportation to pay you a bill.(That seems a valid reason.) Don't cut off his phone, wait and let him pay you, and from now on I suggest you have him mail his payments in advance. Additionally if he's going off to college sell his car or give it back to him, he can still get some use out of it, but he won't NEED it. Stop holding over his head it isn't helping either of you.
2007-04-13 08:18:06 · answer #3 · answered by Alex 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps there is a way to transfer the money electronically? I know that I pay my landlord online, without having any access to his banking info, so it's totally safe.
Alternately, is there a place that would be convenient to meet in the middle? It has been a long time, but I remember the bus being a particular pain in the tush, as they don't necessarily go where you want them to go, when you want them to go.
If he can't find a way to pay for his phone, I would probably have to have it turned off.
The car is another story, though. Getting the car back may be his only motivation for getting on the right path.
Also, please don't forget to praise him for the things he is doing right. It's very hard when you only hear about the things you're doing wrong. Knowing that you're seeing the good things is another key motivator that could keep him going in the right direction.
2007-04-13 08:12:56 · answer #4 · answered by abfabmom1 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have put up with enough from this young man. If he knew what would happen if he didn't straighten up, then by all means......SELL THE CAR! However, I would let him send the phone bill in the mail...give him a certain amount of time to get it to you by, and if he doesn't get it to you, shut off the phone.
He will grow up...I hope for your sake so you can have a relationship with your son, but i son't see anything else you can do, if he's not learning anythng. He is an adult and hasn't listened to you, so now has to live his own life.
Good Luck to you
2007-04-13 08:08:12 · answer #5 · answered by Momma P 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tough love is always hard on a parent. My parents did this to me and I'm a much better person for it. Turn the phone off if he doesn't come pay. It's a lesson learned for later, "If you don't pay your bills, they get turned off". As for the car, if you bought it and you have told him the arrangement about the car and he's not straightening up, sell it. He may think that because you are his parent that you won't live up to what you say. You may have to teach him a lesson. Sounds like he thinks he's "all grown up". Show him what being grown up is all about.
2007-04-13 08:06:43 · answer #6 · answered by cotoncandy 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Tough love is called that for a reason. It is tough on the child and the parents. If you continue to clean up his messes then he will never learn to stand on his own two feet. As hard aas it is, stick to your guns. Sell the car and turn off the phone. if it is too much trouble for him to bring you the payment, then he doesn't need a phone. It will take time for him to finish growing up and take responsibility for hisself. Just keep reminding him that you love him. He may not believe it right now, but eventually, he will thank you for it. Don't pay any attention to the kids on here telling yo you are being harsh. WHen they have grown children, they will understand too. Best wishes.
2007-04-13 08:57:57 · answer #7 · answered by Candace C 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dealing with older troubles children is always a challenge. I have witnessed my younger brother go thought this very thing with our parents. He finished college, moved home and started get into trouble. My parents started out by yelling and lecturing him. That did not work, they started to threaten to take stuff away, but that did not help. It was not until they actually asked him to leave the house and stopped paying for everything that I finally sunk in that he in trouble. As I see it, there are only two ways this will pan out, you cut him off and he realized his mistakes, or he is now 100% on his own. It took my brother years to fully understand the consequence of his actions. I would be as stern an patient as possible.
2007-04-13 08:09:01 · answer #8 · answered by David 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Keep on with what you're doing. It's not going to kill him to take the bus. If he complains again, don't contribute anything to his phone bill, after all he is 18. I would hold off on selling the car until he can purchase it from YOU! That will show some sort of responsibility and will take the burden and stress for it out of your hands.
2007-04-13 08:10:32 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Can the two of you hold an decent conversation? Because if you can you can talk to him like he's an adult. Allow him to understand the responsability of taking on car and having an cell phone bill. If you can talk to him and he can fully listen and understand then alot will change. Just don't give up on him!!!!
2007-04-13 08:07:26 · answer #10 · answered by blackcenterless 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋