My dad and I have not talked for years.?

Question

I was divorced back in 1998 and my father has not spoken to me since, he listened to my ex and never asked my side of the story, anyway I have two beautiful boys that live with my ex(but will be with me in July. i am afraid that he may try calling to talk to them. The way I see it is that if he cannot except me as his daughter then he cannot except my kids as his grandkids is this wrong?

Answer 1

He probably already has more contact with your own kids then you do. If you have caller id don't accept his calls but if their father calls obviously you have to let him talk to them. It's been 9 years now and if your father has the nerve to call to speak to his grandkids but not you I wouldn't accept his calls either. Maybe he is one of those old fashioned married till you die people and blames you for the divorce. You would know that best. He can't be all that wonderful of a dad if he would disown his own daughter and take you ex's side over something that is none of his business anyway. If you feel like there is chance you two might reconcile and you haven't already send him a letter explaining how hurt you feel over him taking sides and that he doesn't have the whole story but make sure you let him know that it was none of his business anyway and that any good father would not disown their child. But in all likelihood he isn't worth the trouble. Just don't pick up the phone until you know who is calling.

Answer 2

First - if he calls, let him talk to the kids. They should never, never, ever be used as bargaining chips or tools against someone when you don't get along with that person. This is their family too. Switch roles a minute - imagine YOUR parents got divorced, and your mom wouldn't let you talk to your dad. How would you feel?

The boys can also be a channel of communication between you and dad, even if it's only when you're talking to him about the boys. That's a start.

Second - take the first step, and call your dad now. Tell him you still love him (if that's true) and that you want to clear the air between you. Better yet, go there and visit, and do this face to face. Remind him of the good times when you were growing up. Bring pictures of family trips, birthday parties, etc. If your mom is still in the picture, get her to help. Invite Dad to come to some sort of outing with the boys - it doesn't matter what that is - fishing, a picnic, a trip to an amusement park. The point is that you get a chance to see him and talk with him.

I'll bet that both of you had something to do with the gap between you. But it only takes one of you to start closing it.

Answer 3

Why so stubborn, feeling guilty or is your father closed minded? Or, have you failed to approach your father on an adult level? There has been no connection on your part. So, there will be no closure one way or another until that happens. Which is it war or peace?

As far as the grandparent/grandchild relationships your looking for trouble if your father is not a phycopath. If your children find out that your the cause of the hole in their life there will be consequences.

Answer 4

well if he is in your childrens life now, then let him always be...actually if your boys are coming to live with you, call your dad and say this "Dad, I know you have been in my boys life as it is and I just want you to know that I will not keep them from you" the reason you say this is because he once took your ex's side, by doing this whatever was said about you, will start to look untrue to him that you really are a kind person not some butt nugget..anyway then every now and then invite your dad over for a dinner or movies with the kids, you know you'd like to get close to him again all girls do..anyway be kind and if things seem crazy ignore them and forgive your dad just remember he didn't really know the truth he did not live with your EX ,YOU did

Answer 5

This change in July may bring you closer to your father. You, as a mother, should know you can't keep your kids from their grandfather, no matter how much you and he don't get along. I hope that everything works out, but you need to be a mature adult and bite the bullet if he calls. Do it for your kids.

Answer 6

My father died, refusing to speak to me. I had done nothing wrong, other than point out that he was an alcoholic.
When he died, I didn't regret his death. I was sad at the waste, though. He could have been a better grandfather to my children.
So, I'd say, forgive and forget if that is what he wants.
Sometimes it is better to leave the past in the past and look to the future. You have your children - concentrate on your relationship with them. He is incidental, but you can improve the relationship for the future.

Answer 7

I think the proper way of looking at is not about you. You gave up the "me" aspect as #1 (you're still important and you should always look out for yourself, too!) when you had babies.

Kids come first -- always. So, if your kids normally talk to their grandfather and it would be harmful for them to be confused by their mother (who is not the primary custodial parent), why would you want to use them/ harm them in order to "get back" at your father?

I'm truly sorry that he's a pooh to you but harming innocent children by using them is soooo not the way to go here.

This is different if you allow the phone calls and then they are confused/ hurt by anything he says to them on the phone concerning you. You should discuss that with your ex, if it's going on and have him handle it (since he's communicating with your father and your father chooses to not communicate with you).

It's always about the kids and protecting them, not using them.

Answer 8

I dont think you should punish your kids. Let them see or talk to the grandparents. You should do whatever is best for them. Although, I would write dear ol dad a letter explaining your feelings, and that your only goal is to do what is best for your children. Maybe he will learn a lesson himself, from your example? Maybe he will respect you for it? And the fact that you are mature enough to put your kids first, that is being a good mom. Just my opinion.

Answer 9

Well, I think so because the kids don't have anything to do with you and your dad's relationship. However, you are their parent so if you don't want them to talk to or spend time with their grandfather then you don't have to let them. When they get older they may choose to do otherwise and then you will have to accept it.

Sorry your dad is so pigheaded and isn't able to forgive you over the divorce. His loss.

Answer 10

Brilliant. Put your kids in the middle of family squabble. That is certainly in their best interest. Way to go. You should always put your pride before the best interest of your children.