My bf and I have been together on and off for 10 months.Honestly,hes my best friend and we have so much fun together when we hang out.Im still in school, but hes not so he goes out every night while I study or whatever.When he goes out,his nights consist of smoking pot and playing poker online.Its gotten to the point where hes lost all his money sometimes.I hate that he smokes everyday becasue he does it around me sometimes too. I love him alot, and i've tried to ask him to lay low on the habits for a while but he thinks im trying to change him.its not that at all, but its affecting our relationship and I don't know what to do!
2007-04-13 00:46:56 · 30 answers · asked by shawk611 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I can truly understand your dilemma. My baby's father went through stages of smoking pot and drinking to excess and boy, did it wreak havoc on our relationship! It got to the point when I felt like I had to check up on him all the time to make sure he wasn't doing any of those things behind my back. He'd promise to quit, yet still do it and lie about it. It got to the stage where he had to move out. Believe me, when it comes to addictions like drinking, drugs and gambling, asking them to stop ONLY MAKES THEM MORE DETERMINED TO KEEP DOING IT! The only times things ever got better was when, a) I left him alone and he decided to quit on his own or b) when I ended the relationship - telling him I couldn't tolerate his behavior any longer. If he truly loves you, he will change his ways eventually because he'll KNOW that in order to have a future with you, the destructive behavior has to stop. If you do decide to leave him and he doesn't change, then unfortunately, in my opinion and experience, you'll have no choice but to let him go. In the long term, someone like that will bring you down - no question. Take care...
2007-04-13 00:56:57 · answer #1 · answered by Nickie C 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
If you are asking him to lay low on his habits for a while then yes you are trying to change him.. but asking someone to do something is not a bad thing. But end result is any time we ask someone to not do some thing that they do we are trying to change them.
You are still young and have a whole lot of life ahead of you, what you need to do is ask yourself IF you can see yourself with him for a long time? can you see yourself in 2 yrs time still going thru what you are now and will you be happy?
Sounds to me like you really like him but his somking pot and him loosing all his money is some thing you can not agree with. That being the case then years down the road or even months when you are wanting more he will not be able to provide it because of his habits and neither of you will be happy.
He is who he is and at this time that is a person who plays on line poker and smokes dope. If you like that then stay if not then move on he will not chage till he wants to and he may never want to.
It is hard to really like someone but know it may never work, we as people want to stay around and hope things will change the person we are with will change and all will be fine. Reality is most times nothing changes.
In my opinion you sould end the relationship let him live his life and you live yours. At times when a relationship ends the other will see what they had and are missing and a light will come on and they will make a change for the better because they then see what is important the other person in this case you. But there is no guarantee he will stop his habits if you end the relationship.
You have many indicators now that is showing you this will not work. Look at them and see them no matter what as long as you can not feel right with his habits and he wont change then there is no need to keep this going.
It wont be easy never is but one thing is you need to just let go and understand he enjoys this and you dont.. it is okay as well to not fit in every area but some times the places we dont fit into with our partner are the places we need to fit into if it is going to work.
Let go and move on.. as hard as it may be it will be for the better for both of you.
2007-04-13 01:12:31 · answer #2 · answered by Tonya R 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i know what you mean about the pot thing! god! its agrivating when you dont do it and he does it around you all the time!! youve told him how you feel which is good. you should be able to talk things out but it looks like hes stubborn about it! the money thing needs to go though! why through ur money away on a poker sight!! u can get screwed hardcore for that and it looks like he already has a bad cabeling problem. try one thing at a time i wud try to keep him away from the computer as much as you can. the pot thing hes only gona quit or slow down on his own.... bcuz hell do it even if ur not there. its a sucky thing but he should listen to you and respect your wishes.. i guess just tell him ur not saying for him to completely stop but just SLOW DOWN a bit or at least not do it around you because you do not aprreciate it!
2007-04-13 00:53:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't settle............sweetheart, you are a beautiful girl and you deserve to be treated with love and respect by a man....someone who stays home and studies with you, doesn't want to do anything to puposefully hurt you.........thankfully, you sound like you already know the answer. Think long term....do you want to marry this man?
Would he make a good father? would he stay home with you and your children? Would he be able to provide for you?
Are the two of you together, totally in love and working on becoming the bes tthat you can be for the one you love?
If a man truly loves you, he will do anything to be with you.......he wouldn't go out and spend time with his friends when he could be with you. Don't settle.......you deserve so much better and you will get it if you wait.
2007-04-13 10:48:36 · answer #4 · answered by heartwhisperer2000 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sis,you've known since from the start that he smokes but still you went on with him.Its really hard for a user to stop until he himself wants to.Unless you can take chances on daring him to choose between you & stop smoking.
2007-04-13 22:09:46 · answer #5 · answered by mommy anie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its called an addiction and it appears he has a few. Gambling and smoking. He will not change unless he wants to. So no matter what you say it might be falling on deaf ears. I am surprised you were able to put up with it for this lond as I could not
2007-04-13 00:55:01 · answer #6 · answered by Mike 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Last time i checked smoking or being in possession of Marijuana is illegal..... call the cops on him, you can be anonymous..... and as far as playing poker on line? I would seek a 10 step program for him.... Your not trying to change him, he just needs to grow up.
I mean when i go out with my girl that I'm seeing, sure we drink and go to rock shows and that's not that grown up, but we also have other interest's lol. I would just hate to see this guy in 10 years if he never grows up you know?
2007-04-13 00:53:33 · answer #7 · answered by Deformation Age 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i think its best, best also the hardest, to just ditch him and find another guy. pot heads won't change and this habit will most likely never help him hold a steady job to make enough money for both pot and provide for you and him. even if you were ot be the provider then it still wouldn't work. his addiction will cost vast amounts of money and drive you both into poverty.
2007-04-13 00:52:25 · answer #8 · answered by Undecided 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It would be much easier to change boyfriends. You CAN'T change anyone else. You CAN change yourself which might change him, but probably not so look elsewhere for a new friend. Do you really love him or is he your habit?????
2007-04-13 01:01:33 · answer #9 · answered by SALSA 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have to agree, you can't change a person.. My bf stopped doing stuff he used to do... I didn't ask him to do it, he just saw how much it hurt me & decided on his own... Maybe it will take a little time for the same thing to happen to you?? I hope so for your sake.. But just don't get your hopes up, ok? :)
2007-04-13 00:54:23 · answer #10 · answered by Lizzy309 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋