Should I be upset that he lied to me?

Question

When our relationship turned serious and we were at the point of talking about marriage, my husband told me about his bad break up with his last serious girlfriend. He said they got in a fight and she had hit him, so he left her. Without any reason to doubt him, I said "OK" and haven't thought about it until recently. We've been married for six months now and his parents mentioned a battery ticket and him being arrested, none of which I knew about. It turns out that he was arrested for abusing her, not the other way around. I came from a very physically, and sexually, abusive childhood and this shocked and scared me. The fact is he lied to me about something I consider to be very important. Should I confront him? Do I have the right to be upset about something that happened in a past relationship? Why would he lie about something like that?

I must add something for clarification...not once since I've met him has he ever been abusive towards me. He doesn't even lose his temper.

Answer 1

Yes, you should be upset that he kept this from you, and no, the lie he told did NOT happen in the past relationship, it happened to YOU.
Tell him that it's either couples counselling for both of you, or a divorce lawyer for each. You will need professional help - for him to understand the damage he has done, and for you to regain the trust you once had.

Answer 2

Yes, he lied but does that matter now? You can judge future behaviour from the past but only to some extent as something called ' change' affects our lives throughout the different stages of our lives. You just can't write his biography by taking few clues from the incident about which he lied to you. Forget it, don't waste even a second dwelling on this. You will have plenty of time to think if he really turns out be your nightmare.But make efforts not to drive him to it by discussing this issue. Go out now and have a good look around and notice there are lot more things that deserve your attention. Pay attention more to things that need appreciation than those that invite criticism.Give him love and get his love,period.

Answer 3

Him lying to you is not a good sign. Since he's already lied to you, I'm not sure confronting him will do much good because he's probably just going to lie about this too. Maybe you could do a little investigating without his knowing. Maybe contact the arresting officer and getting his/her take on the incident. If it looks like this guy is an abuser then you need to get away from him before he starts on you.

Answer 4

Since this issue is very important to you, yes, you should confront him. Whether it's in the past or not, the key word here is he "lied" and I think that's what you're most upset about. Obviously, the reason he lied about it is because he doesn't want to make himself look like the bad guy in front of you. So get it out there in the open and discuss the issue like two mature adults. Try not to attack him about it but explain to him that this matter is very important to you and therefore you want to resolve it.

Answer 5

He is in love with you and if he told the truth, you may reject him. That will be his explanation. Will you believe him?
Now that you are already married for 6 months, you must question him about his pass on what actually happen. You must be sure that he does not abuse you or you will report to the authorities.
People do change, so give him the benefit since you are married.

Good Luck

Answer 6

I think you've got EVERY right to be upset about it. Sure, he probably lied because he was worried it would scare you away, but that's no excuse. Let him know you're upset, but I don't think it's a big enough deal to end the marriage. Unless he loses his temper, then I suggest you get outta Dodge.

They should make a police force that only enforces domestic abuse violations. I'd be the f'ing CAPTAIN. I hate that crap. Sorry, got carried away.

Answer 7

Lies disillusioned all people (till that's a white lie), and all people reacts in yet otherwise while a guy or woman lies to them. I, in my opinion, do not think of that there is something incorrect with you, it is only the way you're.

Answer 8

I read the other answers, not one mentions that he blamed her. It matters. One theme in domestic violence is that the battered deserved it. Yes, it is cause for concern. The other problem is that when you look for something, you often find it. Given what you state about your history, there's also that tendency for children to follow the example set for them.

His parents brought that up as a matter of casual conversation? Something isn't right there.

Rather than "confront" him, that is to say, accuse, simply tell him what his parents told you and that you are feeling upset and see what happens from there.

If he asks you what you want him to do about it, you can say you want him to talk about it until you understand it well enough to forget about it. Then, if he talks, shut up, and listen.

Answer 9

He should not have told a lie in the first instance.Talk to him and clear the matter up sothat it will not haunt you.Do not mess up the relationship by questioning him but hear what he has to say and also tell him what you have to say,so that the problem is resolved forever.

Answer 10

You are a victim.
You are attracted to abusive men because of your
upbringing.
You have the right to be upset when ever you want.
You really should get some help to stop being a victim.

Answer 11

ANY issue that you have with your husband that bothers you should be opened to discussion. I would definitely want to know the truth. At the same time, tell him that it was in the past, but you just want to know what the truth is. She may have still punched him. Bottom line is make sure you don't become a punching bag, too. You have every right to ask him.