My husband just found out that i have been talking with my ex now he wants a divorce and i want to fix things?

Question

For two years I have been telling my husband that there is nothing emotionally between us, and he wont talk about it. I recently started "chatting with my ex" and my husband found the e-mails, some with sexual content. I want to fix things and he wont talk to me he wants a divorce....this sitiuation is onlt 24 hrs old....I can't leave him alone. He can't fiancial leave. He is stuck and hurt bad. I don't know how to convice him that we should try to fix things...I was in the wrong but sex 5 times in 2 years makes a person look for attention else where.

Answer 1

obviously sex 5 times in 2 years is unacceptable. but the answer isn't running to another man's bed. you need to tell him how you feel before you run around on him

Answer 2

Excuse me, but why have you been dealing with this for 2 yrs? Your ex is a part of your life, past present and future. If your present husband is having issues about it then he is probably having issues about other things too. If you told him there is nothing emotional between you and your ex, you were lying. How could there not be some kind of emotional tie between you. And what do you mean your husband found emails? Were you hiding them? Sounds like he didn't trust you in the first place or he wouldn't have felt he found something that you were trying to hide. Irregardless of there content, the emails were not addressed to him and he should have trusted you more. Or does he have a fear that you are going to leave him? I can see how that is possible, after all he can not financially support himself much less the both of you like a real man should. Why can't you leave him alone, it is what he wants, and you would be better off cause he doesn't trust you and probably never will now that he thinks you have done something wrong, which you haven't. Why do you look at him as being stuck and hurt bad, you are the one who is stuck, and if he is hurt it is not from anything you have done. Let him have his divorce, see if he doesn't change his tune. Be good to yourself and let the loser go play house with someone else for a change. Good Luck

Answer 3

Stop making excuses for what you did and take full responsibility. I don't mean that in a harsh way, I'm just being honest. I don't blame you at all for wanting attention elsewhere, however, it doesn't justify your actions. If you take responsibility for what you've done and really truly try to understand the level of betrayal he's feeling then it's possible you could mend this. Think about it, you've been telling him for 2 years that there's nothing there, and then he finds emails where clearly there IS something there that's inappropriate, even if it's only in writing. Why should he trust you now? How does he know it's only what he's read and hasn't gone further with the ex or someone else for that matter? It's the ultimate betrayal. You've had an emotional affair. If he's unwilling to try to patch it up at all, even after you've taken full responsibility for your actions and been 100% honest with him then I'd say he's been looking for an "out" and there's nothing more you can do. Good luck honey. You made a mistake but you could have done so much worse! Just try to do your best to rectify it.

Answer 4

You should have been more forceful with him when talking about your relationship and the lack of emotional amd sexual bond. However the thing with your ex well you brought that into the situation and probavly shouldn't have been doing that as even though it's through email and stuff it's still cheating because you still have sexual feelings for your ex so i can see why he is so hurt. Get a counsellor to come and visit you's at home if possible but if you really want to try and work it out you should try everything available to you. As for you blaming him for you looking somewhere else i don't agree with that i think it was both of you's who done it not just him and you need to accept the fact that you went looking somewhere else he didn't make you.

Answer 5

Wow...what part are you trying to convince yourself of? The fact that you want to "fix" things or lack of sex makes you look for attention elsewhere? If it was an issue in the first place and you wanted to work on it, why didn't you talk to your husband? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your ex one for a reason anyway? Good luck, even if you are honest with yourself...he will not trust you for quite some time. By the way...if people are hurt badly enough, they will leave regardless if there are "stuck" financially.

Answer 6

If you have only had sex 5 times in the past 2 years, then maybe divorce is the way to go?

Should have been looking for sex with your husband instead of talking to your ex.

5 times in 2 years? Both you and him are at fault for that one. What is wrong with your marriage?

Answer 7

First of all, I want to say that a lot of the people who have posted here - the name callers, the harsh critics, those who offer nothing but discouragement, either have absolutely no understanding of the circumstances of tihs case, or they simply have no compassion or understanding in their heart and for them, I am sorry.

I understand that you love your husband and you want to make things right between you, but there are a lot of issues to consider in this case and I'm not sure we have all of the facts especially those concerning your husband's actions. Neither am I certain that any of us laypersons have the skills or knowledge to help you get through this. I do know that the name callers, the critics and all of those who discourage you are not sufficiently informed and have offered venom instead of value. However, even though I may not be sufficiently trained or completely knowledgeable in this case, I would like for you to consider a few points.

First of all, regarding your actions with your ex-husband, as I have said before in another post, I think the real question should be what was it that caused you to seek out your ex-husband in the first place? What you describe is equivalent to physical, emotional and spiritual abandonment by your husband, so turning to someone else for answers and for guidance is understandable. It is unfortunate that you chose your ex-husband for that role, but even that can be explained.

Now, we come to that part which you consider to be your transgression. I see it however, as a physically, emotionally and psychologically vulnerable woman turning to the only person she feels she can trust to give her good advice. Then that person, easily reading your vulnerability, chooses to take advantage of the situation by initiating an intimate, sexually explicit dialog. So you fall into the trap and continue the dialog, but then Hubby finds the offending emails. Now before we move on here, let's just ask ourselves, who is really at fault here? Is it your husband for forcing you into the situation of having to ask someone else for advice because he has, for all intents and purposes, abandoned you? Or is it your ex-husband who’s at fault for trying to take advantage of you instead of offering the advice and guidance you were looking for in the first place? Or is it your fault – again, the victim gets punished!

Now let's take a look at Hubby for a bit. Sex 5 times in 7 years? That's absurd! What exactly is his problem? Has he ever offered a tenable excuse for not providing the love and comfort that is expected of a husband? Does he have confidence issues? And if that is the case, who or what has he been turning to instead of his husbandly duties?

And what about this divorce decree that takes every penny he makes? Have you seen the amendments to the decree that specify the amount of child support and alimony he has to pay? Have you ever seen his paychecks? Do you have access to the bank accounts? I find it difficult to believe that a court would put a man in that position and I'm not sure that a court could do that legally. So I don't have a lot of confidence in that claim.

And if you can work two jobs, why can't he work two jobs? Yes I know that as his income goes up the allocation to alimony and child support goes up, but there has to be something left over. And if he can't work two jobs, what does he do to help you around the house? Does he help with the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the laundry, the errands, etc? Or do you get to do that as well because he's too tired or too busy?

As you can tell, I've made a lot of assumptions, or leaps of faith in your favor, but it's only because I've seen this same situation so often that I can almost repeat the dialog by heart. And even if my assumptions are not absolutely correct, I hope you will take all of the things I've said here and in your other posts into consideration. And finally, I wish you the very best of luck and the warmest of wishes for your future. I hope that you are able to work out this dilemma to your satisfaction and if not, that you will soon find the love and respect and affection that you deserve. Best wishes always.

Answer 8

Don't let people get to you about your emails. You have a tough situation and many people are guilty of far greater crimes than sexy emails. People are flawed, but they need the kind of attention you sought. It sounds like your marriage died along the way. I read your post a couple times and I wonder if deep down you feel like your marriage is over but you feel bad and feel like you are obligated to just keep trying. Sex every 5 months won't cut it, neither will it work to not be able to discuss why your marriage is emotionally stale. A cyber-affair won't cut it, either. You need to stop and figure out a long term solution...and decide of its possible to still fix things. Take care.

Answer 9

I'm editing this after reading other responses to say this even more emphatically. Both you and your husband obviously have problems. If you divorce, those problems will still exist. So . . .

It's a no brainer: you and your husband obviously need counseling, both individually and as a couple. Go to a professional. Forget us amateurs who don't even know you. The fact that you are looking for help on a forum like this shows how lacking in judgment you are. The flip advice from most of these people is insensitive, thoughtless, and potentially harmful. They shouldn't be messing with other people's lives, and you should spend another second reading their comments.

Get real help. Give it time and work at it. Good luck!

Answer 10

If there's a problem with your marriage then you fix the problem, but you don't go looking elsewhere for emotional support or anything else. Seek marriage counseling and if your husband refuses then you need to just move on. You broke the trust in the marriage. Not happy, then divorce him before reaching out to someone else. Bottom line.

Answer 11

permit him comprehend which you comprehend he lied to you once you asked him approximately chatting with the ex and then ask him if there is the rest that he needs to tell you previously issues circulate to a techniques. Then take a seat have a verbal replace and permit him comprehend the way you sense and that the mendacity approximately something can not take place. If the shoe develop into on the different foot he does no longer like it the two. mendacity approximately something in a marriage isn't any solid. It purely breeds distrust.Divorce is somewhat to quickly do no longer supply up so speedy.If all people says or he says i did no longer inform you b/c I knew you does no longer understsand truly means he knew it develop into incorrect!! no longer telling b/c of is in simple terms an excuse!!