What is the next step? Divorce? Separation?

Question

New to the site / forums - TIA for your patience...

Basically, I feel im at a dead end now in my marriage.
I've listened, communicated my feelings, cried, gotten angry,
tried ignoring things that bother me, made changes she requested of me, withdrawn, now i just feel burnt out & depressed...

The one thing I have asked for is
to feel like were in an actual relationship together.
For some appreciation, and some time together.

I have explained that I dont understand how i can be in a marriage & yet feel so alone. I just want companionship.

Her Reactions when im trying to talk to her about these things is usually acting uninterested & going to sleep while I'm left vulnerable & hurt...

Sorry for the long rant... but what should I do from here?
just suck it up & be unhappy?

We have 2 kids, 1 of them from her previous relationship.

Counseling has been a strong suggestion for a looong time.

not enough time to write all the details here but there are both financial & trust issues...

I have done all the leg work as far as
reasearching the counselors in our area - gettting the numbers.. all short of making the appointment.

I feel that if she wants to work things out (she says yes) she has to meet me somewhere & put effort.. i asked her to make the call / appointment.. still no results.

I try communicating w/ her through
e-mails bec. maybe its hard for her to talk in person - no replies...

we're going on our 4th year in October.

Answer 1

Get yourself and your family to a good church, and fellowship with people who are like you. You might be surprised to find a huge support group of people who either have gone through or are going through the very same thing you are. The ones that have already navigated the minefields of marriage will gladly help you in any way they can to get to the other side as an intact family.

The lie is that church people will judge you. That is simply not true.

Churches are not country clubs for perfect people, they are hospitals where broken, damaged and hurting people go to be nurtured back to health by other people who know first hand about life's issues.

You don't have to go to church to meet God or worship Him, although He would really like that, you can simply go to receive the help you need to bring healing to your marriage. It is also a good idea to expose your children to church so that when they grow up, they can make an informed decision about whether it is for them.


I have prayed for you and your family.



God loves you and I do too.

Answer 2

Well it's never easy and you should not lbame yourself anymore if you tried everything in your power. I mean you could try anything but you can't actually MAKE her change this situation...

So for your own sake you should consider seperation, for now. Perhaps getting your own place and see with her if you keep your child at full time or if you share... Have you told her the next step would come to this (without using it as a threat of course)?

Then maybe spending time appart would make her see things more clearly. I'm not saying it would fix anything but it would surely give you both a new view on things, and since you already feel alone, you don't need to stay there to feel miserable on top of it all do you? You don;t diserve it. I mean if you don;t feel happy and loved in this relationship, there is no point staying if you tried everything you could. Perhaps she doesn't feel that way because different people need different things, different levels of attention and love.

And don't wait for the "best time to leave" moment because it is never a right moment... no matter the situation, or holiday or bithday or time, it's never easy but some people would live miserably forever if the other person didn't take the decision to act and leave.

Bottom line is, you said so yourself, you've tried everything that was right, everything for her and still that doesn't work. I think you diserve better than to be left there alone while you are pratically broken and she just goes off to bed. She's either not interested in fixing the problem or is just plain careless about it all.

It's hard to make those changes when you have to but it's for the best.
hope this could help a little, best of luck (and strenght)

Answer 3

This is ridiculous. You are trying to talk to her about something important and she acts uninterested and goes to sleep?!!! She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. It's time to dump this rude, ill-mamnered cretin. And don't let her take all your money either. Get a good attorney. Your wife is abusive. She will not respect you or pay any attention until YOU act - since she is counting on you meekly accepting more crap from her and doing nothing. You asked her to make a call to get counseling and she did nothing. Of course not! In her mind, she doesn't need counseling and has no intention of doing anything. She's fine with the way things are because you are always around to slave for her.

Remember, actions speak louder than words and empty promises. Get an attorney and protect yourself. She has no interest or respect for you -- and where there is no respect there is no love. This isn't even a small semblance of a relationship! Why would you want to 'just suck it up & be unhappy?' Unless you are a doormat or something! Why should you have to endure something as if it were a punishment or torture? That's useless and accomplishes nothing. Get an attorney - but do NOT tell her. Consult with the attorney first.

Answer 4

What could have happened that has changed your relationship so much? Dare I assume that it wasn't like this in the beginning? You guys married each other for a reason; did these reasons completely disappear over the years? I'm not a strong believer in the theory that people change dramatically, and new negative traits sprout from nowhere. I'm guessing, she was probably somewhat insensitive and selfish from the very beginning, but you might have chosen not to notice it, or downplay it. Sometimes we need to acknowledge the negatives and adjust to them as necessary. Sounds like what you're asking of her is more than she can give you. Why beat your head against the wall and keep asking for the impossible? In any relationship, if you concentrate on something you cannot have, you will be miserable. Focus on what you do have. Are there no positives in your relationship at all? Have there never been positives? Then why in the world do you stay with the woman AND have a child with her? There's gotta be something that you can appreciate in her. If you can't find anything to build on, perhaps you are right to consider divorce. If things you are not getting in this relationship are too important to compromise on, it might be better to walk out sooner rather than later, and give both of you a chance of finding someone compatible. If you learn your lessons, and try to look for traits that are important in your next relationship, your time will not have been wasted.

Answer 5

I'm probably at the end of my marriage also and you might be feeling like my husband is because I could see myself through your post, as that wife. I don't know what's wrong with your marriage but I can tell you my story. For me things were fine at the beginning and before I knew it, romance cooled, our conversation tones changed, kid came along, house chores were expected, my body and my look went down each day, and then I became financially dependent - it wasn't just one thing but many little things piling up over the years. If someone asked me what I wanted most I would say I want to be carefree and happy like I once was, more than anything in the world.

Anyway, at the beginning when I felt things started going bad for us, I hinted, then I asked, then I nagged, then I yelled until even the most trivial things my husband did made me so angry. Still, I was trapped in my own personal hell so the last thing I did was ignore and withdraw when reaching the boiling point, which was 3 times a day. I was like that for a long time and the more my husband demanded explanation, the deeper I hid in my shell. Maybe you would recognize some of the symptoms. Somehow I've managed to crawl out of the trance and started healing, alone. Yes, I'm kinda ready to walk away from this bad dream.

It seems to me your wife has so much pent-up anger or been very unhappy with the way things are and she couldn't let it out. Next time when she talks, it might mean she's made a decision and planned for herself, maybe to fix things or maybe to leave . I can't tell you what to do because I can't even solve my own problems. Just so you know you aren't alone. One thing I've learned through bad times is that you could be more lonely in a marriage gone wrong than when you are all by yourself. Good Luck!

PS: Sorry if your wife is naturally callous or ultra insensitive and I totally misread the signs.

Answer 6

Well yes and no. Let me give you an example. My wife and I were married for 4 years. I go to Iraq on deployment and she tells me that she wants to separate. At first we were going to work it out. There is the no part of the answer, you might have a chance in working it out. Then in March she tells me that she met someone new and I should do the same. I'm now in the middle of getting a divorce and it sucks. There would be the yes. My advice, which might help might not, work it out if all possible. If not then it sounds like he is not good enough for you. You should find someone new or stay single for a bit and get your life the way you want it. Good luck with whatever comes about.

Answer 7

She is not motivated to do anything so motivate her.

Plan out a complete separation.
Divide up the debt and bills.
Examples:
You both again from it then each pay half like a house payment.
Your car payment is yours and her car payment is hers.
Debt is straight down the middle.

Next find your own place or kick her out.

Child custody and child support.
You can find child support calculators online.

Be fair, but not generous.

If she sees how much work you are putting into the details of this she will understand how serious you are about what you need in the relationship.

If she doesn't do anything put your plan into action.

Its a gamble, but you have a better shot at happiness by doing something than by just sitting there.

Answer 8

How much of your work has been about getting your needs met? I hear a lot of "me" in your question, which is understandable but not effective. Plant a garden, then you will eat of its fruit. Learn what women want, learn what your wife wants, and stop killing all of her affection by whining and explaining and trying to make yourself out to be "the good guy." There is something that needs to change on your end - find out what it is. You say you have listened, but you don' t know what it is. She is missing something that she needs in order to respond to you. Listen in a way that lets her talk instead of you. Then maybe she will tell you.
She can't make you feel anything. You *are* in a relationship together and you do have some time together. It's just not where you want it to be, so stop bemoaning that. Find some good books on marriage and read them for what you need to do, not what she needs to do. Make yourself more interesting to her and care for her needs.
If she still doesn't respond, seek help yourself, even if she won't go.

Answer 9

No, no, no. no. You did all the leg work. You make the appointment. You're acting like she is a willing participant in what is going to be a lot of communicating. Her problem is that there isn't communication with you. So, are you setting yourself up to fail or what? Just do it. Make the appointment. Be gentle trying to keep her going. Listen to what she has to say in counseling. Go to a counselor on your own in addition to couples counseling if you really want to give it your all. Good luck! It's worth the work. Divorce is never worth the work.

Answer 10

Poor guy.

You need individual and joint counseling. This might not work, since it sounds like she doesn't care at all.

Be careful with separation- I'm assuming the kids would continue to live with her and that you would live elsewhere, w/visitation?

Personally I'd file for divorce if she remains uncooperative/unreceptive to counseling and working through it., without a prior separation, and let her be the one to leave. That way there isn't a setup for the argument that the kids are used to her as the primary parent.

Good luck.