i just found out?

Question

this is country girl i just found out that on top of chating with other girls he has been sending them pics too. i am so mad right now i want to slap him. I printed everything out and i have proof. His mom has my back she says it needs to stop. I just got off of his messenger with the girl he told we were divorced well that was a big fight. How do you remain cool and calm about something like this. I am very angry

Answer 1

He has told someone else that you two are divorced? Oh boy. Trouble. I guess it's pretty clear that this is a ploy by him to pave the way to become involved with another woman and no doubt get her into bed. Why else would he be that deceptive, right? Of course I'm also quite sure that he has no intention of walking out on you. Certainally not yet at least but he's on the move to get something going here thats for sure.

Now...how do you stay cool and calm? Discipline my dear...pure discipline and self control. You have a very good reason to be angry. Oh yeah...no one can deny that. However you need to know that shouting, screaming and making a scene accomplishes nothing. Plus he may try and turn the tables and shift the blame to you. More often than not claiming your attitude "made" him do this.
Keeping calm and addressing these issues with him in a steady and controlled voice is perfect. You're still going to be angry but if you confront him and keep your cool it carries more weight. Plus...he'll see a side of you that he hasn't experienced before. That alone should make him quite cognizant that you're serious as a heart attack. Toss his Mom into the mix to and have her tell him how ashamed she is of him and what he has done to your feelings. Next to a wife no one can make you feel more like a sh*t than your mother browbeating you and letting her displeasure be known. Especially since she's siding with you.

Trust is damaged. Badly too I may add. It will take some time to regain the comfort level again, depending upon how the initial confrontation goes. Good luck and I hope he gets his head on straight. For you, his mother and the kid.

Answer 2

If you think it's cheating, if you come close to thinking it's cheating, IT IS CHEATING. If you have a problem with his internet escapades, it is a problem - for you, for him and the relationship. You have every right to voice your concern, so, don't hold back.

Before we look at his escapades, I want you to "get this" so it sinks deeply into every cell of your womanhood: you are not defective! There is nothing wrong with you as a sexual being! There is nothing else for you to do - for him or to him! Actually, he sounds like a real lucky guy!

Please understand, the reality of life and intimacy is that sometimes it's hot and sometimes it's not, and mostly it's between. Would you settle for 10% hot, 10% not and 80% between? That's probably pretty close, especially as relationships grow and mature.

It sounds like he is fairly immature or is grabbed by an addiction.Considering your age (I'm assuming 20's or so?) I would think his fantasies (played out on the net) rule and/or he's fairly clueless about the next step needed to develop a more mature relationship.

You can't compete with fantasies or addictions. Don't try. It won't work.

He is giving you a clue about his internet activities: they are meeting a "need." What kind of need is this? Does he need excitement, to feel in control, be wanted and wanted more, feel powerful, competent, adequate or are there other personal needs driving and living in these fantasies?

Personal needs are typically powerful and our "neediness" can guide our lives until we identify them and transform them.

The good, open communication base in your relationship will enable you to talk about your personal needs. Pick apart his fantasies. What are the personal needs that weave through them? Are there patterns? What are they? Where do they fit with your personal needs? Are they different? Are there points of similarities?

Being able to talk at this level might take some time. It might feel strange and a little weird, but go for it. I think the two of you are ready. Eventually, as you explore your personal needs and mutually commit in very practical ways to meet some of those, your relationship will move to a deeper level of intimacy and the netcapades will fade into cyberspace.

p.s if it makes you feel better slap him, he deserves it( though hitting is not the way to go)
Even if it's not physical contact it's still wrong and he doesn't seem to care whether it hurts you or not.....Or maybe try giving him a taste of your own medicine and see just how much he likes it:)

Answer 3

How can anyone remain cool and calm about this! Especially if you are married! He is violating you in so many ways. Insist on counseling with him! A good church offers some free marriage counseling. He sounds confused. the way you need to remain cool is if you ask him and sort of counsel him yourself, for instance: a counselor is like a referee a non biased third party. If you and him "talk" this out yourself he can lie to you and tell you "what you need to hear" the third party will identify that and get to the bottom of it.
You can try being really open and getting stuff out of him yourself. But if you do, you need to be ready for all the truths he may reveal. He may tell you things you are not prepared to hear. Right off the top, if he is telling some girl that he is divorced, there is a problem going on inside of him.
Good luck, sweetie! I know life is so hurtful at times! You will be in my prayers!

Answer 4

You remain cool and calm by confronting him with the proof. You say his mother has your back - well, have her be there when you hand him the proof (keep copies, you will need them for the divorce). She can't control him but neither can you! What does a skunk do when he's cornered - he sprays everybody and everything! Don't be surprised if your husband gets mad and storms out. If he just goes to bed and has the attitude, 'What are you going to do about it?', have a lawyer answer that question for him.

Answer 5

Best to avoid the situation until you calm down. If you try to talk now, you'll both say things that maybe hard to take back later.
Once you've lost trust, it takes a great deal of time to trust again. He will need to understand he needs to win your trust again. This won't be done overnight and he can't expect things to just move forward.
Once (if you're able to) forgive him, then you have to be able to let it go. You can't use this as a weapon everytime you fight.
Getting through this is tough. I suggest marital counseling for you both if you want your marriage to survive. Meanwhile, stay with friends or relatives for a few days while you collect your thoughts. Let him sweat it out worrying whether you're coming back or not.
Good luck.

Answer 6

You have every right to be angry. This man is disrespecting you and denying your marriage by words and actions.

If he doesn't shape up, you should give him the freedom he apparantly is already taking and leave his a$$ for a real man!

So you married a loser. It happens. I was engaged to one and had a child with one myself. Correct the mistake. You deserve a winner.

The way to remain cool and calm is to take the love blinders off, see him for who he really is, realize that it's his bad and you have nothing to do with it, own up to your mistake in making a bad choice, correct that, and move on. The real man waiting for you just around the corner will help you feel better.

Answer 7

you have every right to be angry! but you need to confront him in a way that will leave the lines of communication open. If you get too far in his face hes gonna shut down and think that no matter what he says or does you are not going to believe him. Leave his moms opinion out of it too, that will appear that you are ganging up on him. this is between you and him and he has some explaining to do. sit him down and tell him what you know and that you want to know why and what he is going to do to correct his actions.

Answer 8

You need to be angry and let him know how angry you are! This is not the behavior of a man in love with his wife. I wonder how it is that he forgot to sign out. Do you think it may have been intentional? Maybe he wanted to tell you about this and didn't know how or maybe he wants a change in his life. I wish you luck country girl. I will have your back if you need it. (or one of my brothers will)

Answer 9

Offal - I can not consume any of it. But I discover olive oil yummy simply with a little bit salt further, and I recognise others discover it yucky. I additionally love black pudding, made ideally from pigs' blood, and others discover that yucky. And the First Mate loves garlic, which repels me at one hundred yards (or metres, or meters, as you prefer).

Answer 10

You remain cool and calm long enough to pack your stuff and move out.