How do you break the news of separation/divorce to an alcoholic who believes everything is perfect?

Question

13 yrs together (10 married), 4 kids, and an alcoholic hubby who drinks 6+ beers every nite and 10+ on the weekends (each day), passes out by 10pm every nite. He comes home from work and ignores us to "unwind" by drinking and playing video games until he is in couch commando mode. He only parents when my yelling gets on his nerves, then he starts yelling. He has a full social life of bowling, going to races, lodge, while I must stay home. If I leave I must ask first, state when , where, and how long...take kids w/ me. If a friend wants to go out w/ my they ask his permission first and then play 20 questions about our whereabouts. I have no life. I am numb to him. I don't want this life for me and my kids, and its been like this way to long. I am dying inside. . I love him, but am not in love, and can't try to work it out anymore. He thinks we are fine. He has tried to sober up, but it never lasts longer than 3-5 days. I am worried about what will happen to him if I go.

he refuses to see a problem, and proffessionals out there-your advice would be most appriciated. He would never attend counseling, and his answer to AA is "AA is for quitters!".

Answer 1

Admission of being an alcoholic is the first step. I can see he isn't even close to that and enjoys the world of denial.

His life is that of a bon vivant. Coming and going as he pleases, leaving you with all the duties while the entertainment portion of it is to be handled strictly by him.

There is no easy way to break this to him. Tell him straight out everything that you've told us all here. Oh I'm sure he won't like it but if you file for legal seperation maybe he'll see the light. maybe not. maybe this will increase the drinking because you and the kids aren't around. You're naturally going to worry about him but he is the master of his destiny after all. His choice although he'll work at blaming it on you (his excessive drinking) as most alcoholics will find an excuse for anything except their own shortcomings.

You haven't many choices here. Just address it at the choosing of your own and have a plan of action ready to institute in the following days should your attempt fail. know that if you say you'll leave and he calls your bluff you have to follow through. If not you loose precious ground and he'll never take you seriously again when you give an ultimatium.

Answer 2

Well first you have 2 think about u and the children just because he will not seek counseling does not mean that you and the children cannot seek counseling. Al anon is for children, friends, spouses of alcoholics.

You have 2 be honest with him if you cannot take it and do not want the marriage anymore then tell him and get a lawyer. He probably will be hurt since he thinks life is grand but you cannot enable him by saying nothing. The only way he will change is if he chooses too if not then he will not. But your main concern has 2 be u and the children because his drinking is not productive 2 the family and frankly he is very selfish and is not concerned with your feelings or that of the children

good luck take it one step at a time and the first step should be counseling 4 u and the kids.

Answer 3

This question is so similar to what I went through, it's scary. Except for the permission portion. My ex thought everything was perfect too, and it was shocking to him when things started falling apart, due to drinking/alcoholism. That is part of the disease, but it's also because you have not communicated it to him. It's very frustrating though, because I am sure you have tried, but they just don't hear it. Denial. Or you are "reflecting" off of him/ There is a great book called Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews that you should read, if you can. I started reading a ton of books about alcoholism, and you would be surprised at how your story is pretty typical.

Also, breaking it to him? He won't like it, won't believe it, and may react in a very bad way because of the hurt. Just be ready for guilt, manipulation, etc. Please read the books or go to an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You will find support and one on one chances to hear how other people have done it. Most can't live with an alcoholic after a while.

Answer 4

Hi again, I just read the second part of what you said. You have a lot to offer to the world, follow your dreams and aspirations. You yourself just said that you have a lot of talents. Use them brodi, don't let them go to waste. You're caught in a rutt, so I know it's difficult, but you have to want better for yourself and from the sound of it, that's exactly what you want. You see the life your brother lives and it's not what you want, so "choose" a different path. I know it's hard to do the opposite of what you're accustomed to but you are at least thinking of the possibilities and that's a start. Now it's time to put those thoughts into reality. You say you want a relationship and that's fine, but do you really want to bring someone into your life in this state? Think about that because it'll be a recipe for disaster. You have to get yourself right first. You're a young, healthy 20yr old man that has his whole life ahead of him. Whatever you want out of life you can have... It's a matter of "choice" and you just have to want it bad enough to take the neccessary steps to get there... You can do this. You can't do it from the bed room and you can't do it high. So what, if you don't get it right the first time, none of us are perfect. Get out there and try it again and again because that's what we all have to do. Remember no matter how tough it gets or how difficult it seems or how many obstacles that "will be" put before you, there's a means to an end. I'm 30ish:) and I have an 18yr old and I tell him all the time that "Honey, I can only want it for you, but you have to also want it for yourself". You can ask for all the advice in the world from the best physicians in the world, but if you don't take the advice and "Act on it", " Put it to use", then it was a "Choice" that you made and no one else is to blame. I wish I could get into your mind and help you realize what you'll only know as you mature and get older. Listen to the older people in your life that have gone down the wrong path. I tell my son all the time that when he's older, he'll understand all that i've said to him when he's older, but I just hope that he doesn't look back and regret not listening to the advice I've given him and I hope you don't do the same. Life can be a real drag sometimes and the reality of it is that you're always going to have some kind of problem to deal with. Some worse than others, but remember "God doesn't put anything before us that we can't endure". It's just easier for some than others and God doesn't pick and choose who get's what problems to deal with. Its how we choose to handle the problem that decides the out come. Get active doing something "Productive" and hang in there, your baby brothers counting on you.

Answer 5

There is no easy way! You can not worry about what will happen to him if you go! He's a big boy now and will be o.k. farthermore he was aware of the problem and he did know how you felt at one time, you can't help that he forgot! I know it is hard especially when there are children involved and a spouce is an alcohalic but if you want to go, go and do not look back if you want to see if it can work out buy a divorce packet, you need to tell him how serious you and this situation are. It is nice you have stood by him and tried to understand his disease but I can also relate to enough being enough. If you want to stay and he will not change the changes you have to make have to come from within you so that you can live in peace, happily; this can be accomplished if you look within, draw stregth from inner sources and open yourself to new ways of looking at life and your surroundings, start with zen, then zen meditaion you will be surprized of really how life can go on just as it is without having to remove yourself and the children things can go on as they are without it effecting you or them. Good luck!

Answer 6

While I'm not a professional, I believe there are a number of ways for you to change your life. What you do next will depend on how serious you are about what you want to do. I never did the drinking thing but at a period in my marriage, I was the couch commando too wrapped up in video games to realize that there was a problem. It took my wife telling me that we needed a seperation to wake me up. We did not seperate because I managed to get my wife to give me 2 weeks to show her a change. We have a wonderful relationship now because I know that my poor actions nearly cost me my marriage and I have to remind myself every day to think about how to keep her happy. It will be harder with the alcohol because alcohol clouds a persons judgement. You need to pack some things together and make arrangements to stay with family for a while. Make sure you have someone who can support you emotionally and stand up to your husband physically without antagonizing the situation. Your husband will go one of two ways when it sinks in that you aren't around. He will look for you and try to work on the relationship or he will look for you to try to force you back. this is where your support comes into the picture. For a while (you be the judge of how long) you should not be alone with your husband. Many times having someone else around will keep things from getting too heated. If your husband does everything you are wanting him to do, then it is up to you to decide whether your marriage is salvagable. Understand that he will always be in your life because of your children but, that doesn't mean you have to stay with a controlling alcoholic.
There is a long road ahead of you but, you can make the trip. There is a lot more to this than I can say on this site but if you would like to you could email me or my wife. If you wish to do so simply make me one of your contacts and I will give you both of our email addresses.

Answer 7

I know it doesn't seem fair to suggest this, but it may help if you went to see a counselor about his problems. I know he's the one with the problem, but a relationship counselor or an addiction counselor might be able to explain how to help him.

Find out what's stressing him out so much that he needs to "unwind" every day, and see if there's something you can do to change it. If it's work, see if there's a way he can switch jobs. If it's family, or if it's your relationship, you may need to change something to help him stop drinking.

You have been through alot together, and you say you still love him. If you want to make your point loud and clear, move to a hotel. Send the kids to their grandparents if you can, or take them with you, but make him feel the consequences of his actions. Tell him it's because he drinks, and tell him you're willing to make changes if he is willing to help himself, and see where it goes.

Good luck to you, I'll be praying for you.

Answer 8

i'm sorry to hear about your troubles, as this is one of the more serious postings i've seen today.

it's unfortunate that you must leave him, however, in order to break the news all you have to do is tell him. after reading about your view of his control tactics, it sounds like he really isn't inerested in anything yo have to say anyway, so out of respect, tell him. Make sure your telling him is followed up with the divorce/separation papers and the door closing behind you and your kids on the way out.

It's his alcoholism, his problem, not yours....please look in your community for Al-anon groups. I might be spelling that wrong, but any AA will be able to refer you to Al-anon. They are a support group for families of alcoholics. They can also support your worry regarding the aftermath of leaving.

Keep your head up, you CAN do this....

Good luck!

Answer 9

Just walk out the door. take the kids and go somewhere he isn't. He will be fine if you leave, he may not even notice for awhile. You on the other hand would have a chance to have a fulfilling life of your own that isn't controlled by anyone else. All you would really be losing is one person to clean up after. good luck

Answer 10

Been there done that for 23 years.May I ask you one question(you are the only on that needs to know the answer)If you wait 13 more years for him to change, and he doesn't,how old will you be when you realize he will not change?I was 49 when I left---49.Try starting a new life at that age.I can tell you this,I wish I would have left before I was that age.....Think... When in doubt, get out...