An engaging question...?

Question

My bf and I have been living together for a year and have been dating for two and a half or so, been friends for 5ish years. I'm starting to think about marriage and we've talked about it. We're both essentially anti-religious, and he says that since he doesn't go for the church thing, he sees no point to marriage other than financial benefits or if children are involved. I am fine with waiting for a while, but want it to happen eventually. Short from having kids (which is NOT my plan), is there anything I can do to nudge him along?

Has anyone had this experience, if so, how did you handle it/what ended up happening? In anticipation of some of your answers, yes, I can wait, but I don't see why we can't be engaged for a while.

Answer 1

You really need to confront him... If he really truly wanted to marry you, you WOULD be engaged already.

Answer 2

Marriage doesn't have to have anything to do with religion. Marriage is more of a social construct, and it matters for as long as you live in a society. If you were on a deserted island with just the two of you around, then it truly wouldn't matter - but you are not on an island, I assume. Like it or not, married couples are still on a different "social plane" than the unmarried ones. I noticed it immediately after my husband and I got married after being together for almost two years; all of a sudden, my opinion was solicited by his business partners, I was included in discussions with his potential employer, his family was much more accepting of me. I believe it would have taken me years of simply "being together" to achieve the same status in the eyes of all these people - but signing a marriage license was a shortcut that helped me achieve the recognition overnight. And I'm not even mentioning that everything from taxes to health insurance to car insurance to gym membership has been consolidated and greatly simplified as a result of obtaining a marriage certificate. (My husband had several grand set aside to pay taxes, as he always ends up owing about $8,000-$10,000; well, this year he will actually be getting a refund, because we filed as a married couple.) May I add that we are totally non-religious, and could care less about the religious aspect of marriage. But in all other aspects, marriage has been a great thing for us.

I don't know how you can convince your b/f to get married if he doesn't want to. I don't think you can. Perhaps eventually he will realize that if you guys are going to be together, you might as well make things easier by getting married - especially if it's important to you. But if he keeps refusing, you have to figure out if you can accept his decision. Hope you guys can work it out.

Answer 3

I'm in almost the exact same situation (we've just been together for less time, so I'm not ready to force the issue). My atheist bf and I both view marriage as a vestige of when the church controlled record-keeping, and so we only see the the tax benefits.

Here's my situation, in the hopes that it might help:
He has brought up marriage/getting engaged several times, but we can never really commit to it because we don't see the point. I know I'd like a *wedding*(any big, fun party sounds good), and I wouldn't mind some sort of long-term agreement eventually, but I can't really force the issue because of my own weak commitment to the institution of marriage.

I've helped it stay in his mind by doing lame/sneaky things like forwarding him emails I get from Tiffany's that feature "pretty rings" or occasionally pointing out neat wedding dresses/event spaces/diamond alternatives/party ideas. Subtlety and infrequency are key here, because you don't want him to catch on to what you're doing. When he decides to act on one of these hints, it has to be "his idea".

It helps us, too, that our friends are starting to pair off and his sister is engaged, so he feels some pressure...I have a feeling that it will take a little while, but if I keep hinting there will be a ring in the next year or so.

Why do you really want to get married? The party? The commitment? Just knowing your answer to that will help you structure your argument for him - though you don't have to bring it up any time soon. (I keep the discussions to a max of quarterly - I'm not kidding. I know this all sounds manipulative "on paper", but my intentions are good.)

On the other hand, a smart friend of mine was dating a wonderful girl for almost 5 years...she pressured him to get engaged for the last 2 of those years and finally had to deliver an ultimatum...he didn't pop the question, so they broke up. I don't know if that's a scenario you'd want, but it's just more info for consideration...

Answer 4

Being anti-religious and not wanting to get married in a church shouldn't stop you from getting engaged and eventually married. Is he also against making a commitment (i.e. getting engaged) ? And there's nothing to say that it has to be a church wedding. You could have a civil ceremony, get married by a Justice of the Peace, or at City Hall. None of these involve religion. Now that we've resolved his objections, what are his excuses ?

Answer 5

marriage is just not u both even after 2-3 yrs of wedding..children will hav to come along eventually...from that point of view, make him agree for a commitment called "wedding" even if it means only benefits.tell him u can b together with benefits which otherwise not possible..who doesnt want a benefit ?go ahead.nobody does anything without a benefit..if its benifitting u to wed y bother?.. u r facing a problem not him..so its in ur hands....1st let marriage happen n then u can think of children....good luck

Answer 6

Be clear to your boyfriend what you want. Religious or not, marriage is a public display of your commitment to someone for the rest of your life. It does not have to be religious and in my opinion is VERY important if you plan on being in love with someone the rest of your life.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is stalling. The old saying comes to mind - why buy the cow if you are getting the milk for free?

Right now you are living together and on your best behavior, be aware marriage is a much deeper commitment.

Good luck.

Answer 7

There are two questions that need to be addressed between the two of you. First: why do *you* want to get married? Second: why does *he* not want to get married?

For the one with you: what does marriage give you that the current situation doesn't? What does it take away that you don't like?

For him: what is he afraid of loosing if he gets married to you? What is he afraid will happen after you get married?

Or to simplify it into a single question you both need to come up with together: what is marriage going to change?

Even if the answer is "nothing will change, but it will take away a day and $1000," then what will change is your bank account will be $1000 less. But don't believe that. Everything changes something, and some things change everything.

Find out what you both want and don't want that marriage means, and then if the things you're looking for aren't compatible, then it's time to move on because they won't change, and if they are compatible, create a solution.

Most marriages, even athiest marriages, I've been to include something along the lines of "until death do us part," or "as long as we both shall live" or some other satement indicating an intention for the situation to be permanant. Is that what you're looking for? Permanance? Is that the very thing he doesn't want? That would be one common reason for these types of situations. Well, if he doesn't want it to be permanant, there's an easy way to arrange that: end it!

Another line that is included in a lot of (even athiest) weddings is "forsaking all others." Is that what you're looking for? A promise to give up other women? Is that the very thing he's not willing to give up? Hmm, that could be a problem. I think it's time to go let him be with all those other women he's looking for.

On the other hand, maybe you're not so much concerned with the "forsaking all others," and just looking for the permanance, and he's not so worried about the permanance, just isn't sure he's ready to forsake all others, well, now we have a solution! You get the permanance, he doesn't have to give up other girls, you write your marriage vows to include the "as long as we both shall live," and leave out the "forsaking all others," and everyone is happy.

Sometimes men talk about their wives, and you hear that a particular husband isn't getting any action. Stories range from not having had any in a month to two years. Is this what he's afraid of? That you'll stop having sex with him at some point after you're married? Well, again, simple solution: write into your marriage vows (and maybe even a prenup?) that if he's looking for it, you'll provide for him sexually at least once a week? (or at least every other week, or once a month, or twice a year... it's your vows, your prenup, you figure it out!) Or maybe it's a certain sexual act he's afraid you'll stop doing? Again, find a discreet way to put it into your wedding vows, and if you're up to it, maybe even a prenuptual agreement. You'd be amazed how far a set of vows that went something like, "forsaking all others, providing for his physical and emotional needs, as long as we both shall live," can be taken if you both know what you intend "phsyical and emotional needs" to mean.

Oh... wait... maybe that is exactly the reason you wanted to marry him, so you wouldn't have to have sex as often or do the very thing he's afraid of loosing... hmm.... back to incompatible expectations, and you need to end it.

And then we come to the green headed monster... money. (Why does everyone think I mean jealosy?) Maybe he's afraid of ruining your credit. Maybe he's afraid of you ruining his credit. Maybe he's afraid that, even though you're booth good at managing money separately, when you get together to manage money "bad stuff" will happen. (I've seen "bad stuff" happen to two people who had always managed money well separately before.) Well, that one is actually pretty easy: pick someone to manage the money. Whoever is better. My wife manages the money at home. People who get to know us usually go through a short spell of mass confusion, because I'm the absolute master of the house, and my word is law.... but when I want a candy bar I beg, and I live in on allowance. Why? Simple: being a good leader is as much about recognizing the talents of those you lead as it is about leading. My wife is great at managing money. I'm really good... but not as good as her. Or if he's afriad you'll ruin his credit or spend all his money, just put him in charge.

Or it could be something else entirely, something I haven't even guessed at, in which case, you'll have to figure it out.

Answer 8

A lot of people nowadays look at marriage as a business.

If you don't want kids and you already live together then it does become a business deal.
In exchange for these vows I offer financial protection.

The truth is if a man really wants to marry you , there would be no need for you to try to convince him.

Answer 9

My husband and I dated for 8 years before he proposed and we lived together for 7 years before he propose. I kept hinting that I wanted a ring after the second year of living together. He would always talk about marriage and point out rings to ask me if I like them and than fianlly he proposed.

Have you told your bf how you feel and the you do want to get married eventually. Does he know you want it to happen at some point?

If you have talked to him about all of this, than I would just keep hinting to him every so often. If it is meant to happen, it will sooner or later.

Good Luck!!

Answer 10

If your boyfriend wanted to have kids and decided to become a religious man would you try and change him? When you go to the store to by a dress you get the color and style you want. You don't buy a robe and expect it to change into a dress. Decide what you want in a guy and look for that kind of guy rather than trying to change your boyfriend into something he isn't. You would not want a guy to change you and manipulate you. You would want him to love you for who you are. I'm a wife of 9 years. Marriage is hard. Pick a guy who wants the same things you want.

Answer 11

Don't rush into it, if you are both getting along now then concentrate on that. when he is ready he will ask, but marriage is a big step you both would have to want it. just be patient, if taking to long, then the only thing I can tell you is to find someone else.