If I just walk away?

Question

My husband and I have been having problems for some time. We have had some trust issues and I have since filed for divorce. My divorce will be final in June and he insists that he wants to try to make it work. I have tried and so has he but we just seem to get stuck in the same rut. There is a horrible vibe in the house. We have two small children and he says if I leave he will have to live at work to pay for the house which I am leaving. He will not be able to afford the house and child support and he tells me that I will never make it on my own and I will have to live in the slums someplace and he does not want to be a part time father. Everyday when I get home from work he just had a mad look on his face and he wears the same red sweat shirt every day. I cant stand to look at his face anymore. I just want to get out but what about my kids. I dont want to mess them up!!! They are 3 and 1

He will never sell the house because It is built on land his grandmother gave us. The mortgage is very high and he will not be able to pay it plus 300.00 per week child support.

Answer 1

walking away is the BEST thing you can do for your children. "you can't make it on your own" and all of his crap like that-- he is trying to control you, he doesn't want you to go. he is lying. I left a relationship like that and THANK GOD that I did.

Feel free to contact me if you need support.

It'll be OK.

Answer 2

My ex said the same kind of things - how no man would want a "middle-age" woman with three kids, I wouldn't be able to make it on my own, everything is my fault, the kids will suffer, etc.. Those types of words are desperate attempts. Perhaps your children can live with a grandparent or close friend for a little while, until you are out and stable on your own. Kids are VERY adaptable so long as they're treated well in a safe environment. Better now than when they start school.

Frankly, it's not your problem whether he keeps the house or not - it's his. You WILL need the child support, no doubt, when you have your children with you. He's just going to have to find a way, just like YOU will have to find a way. That's what divorce is - separate lives.

My advice to you is to just bear it a little longer, but don't get sucked into his emotional wrangling and wanting to make it work so that HE won't be put out. Make your plans to leave and take good care of your children - even if you have to let a relative keep them for a bit. Just put one foot in front of the other and get out. Let the chips fall where they may, but move ahead while you still have the courage and will to do so.

Answer 3

If he wants to change, the best thing to do is help him save your marriage. Get counseling, find out what you really need and how to make that work. Maybe you can describe the rut better? But I am going to make a wild guess - forgive me if I am wrong.
I suspect you take action and he just sits and plays victim. A good marriage requires proper roles and that means you stop taking charge and start bringing issues to him. Help him gain self respect and help him become a leader. Give him input without being controlling, be a helper to him instead of a nag. Learn to share feelings instead of solutions, and build him up rather than tearing him down. Thank him for any little thing he does do, and expect more from him as a father, lover, etc. and don't let him just sit. But again, this doesn't mean be a nag, just sit next to him and bring him issues and look at him and wait for an answer. When he gives you one, say "So you want me to do 'X'? Ok I can do that, " or "I don't think that would be healthy for us," etc. Then tell how you feel, calmly and respectfully. Learn to be a team. You can build new habits and there are people out there who can help. Seek them out.

Answer 4

I left my ex husband when my kids were 2, 5 and 7. They adjusted just fine and are very happy children now at the ages 9, 12 and 14. If I can make it with three kids starting over again with nothing so can you. Don't have pity on this man if you are not happy with him. My ex did the same. Only he lived with his mommy and daddy until he was 35. Now after 7 years being divorced he got his own place because their isn't anyone here to take care of him anymore. I on the other hand, am buying my own house, making car payments and supporting myself very well. Men tell you their sad songs but truth is some of them are the ones that cannot make it without US in the picture. If leaving makes you happy then your kids will be happy. Think of yourself right now and what you want in your life not in his.

Answer 5

It is simple really, even with the kids involved. Do you still love him? If you're not sure, then write down all of the reasons you married him in the first place... Was he charming, funny, handsome, loving? Try to remember why you got married in the first place.

If you have any doubts either way, then you may have hope that it could be worked out. I would definitely seek out professional counseling. If it's a cost issue, most places have a sliding scale based on your income. It is worth it to have a solid decision under your belt one way or another. You need that for you, and you need it for the sake of the 2 little ones in your life. You will feel far better if you can be decisive about it one way or another.

If it's completely over for you, then it's over. BUT if it's not, then you might as well give it 100% before you throw in the towel. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be "happy" or at least accepting about the decision your going to make. And know this - all children want their parents to be together (even if the parents relationship isn't a good one). I wish you all the luck. Be strong.

Answer 6

Put the house on the market, find a smaller place for you and your kids. He can find a small apartement for just himself. Things have a way of working out, when you make the right steps. You need to be happy, show your kids that you and he can get along and still not be together. Messing your kids up is staying in a relationship that is making everyone miserable. Good luck

Answer 7

Have you tried counseling, working on ways to communicate better and build up your trust in each other? It sounds like neither of you is really working on making this work.

If your husband really wanted you to stay, if it was important for him to be a full-time parent, he would be trying harder to understand your fears & earning your trust & love. Or, is he trying and you just don't want to listen and make any changes yourself?

Don't stay because you're scared of making it on your own. That's bullying & manipulation. That's not love & that's not a good foundation for a marriage.

Your kids will be fine, if you let them be - if you keep the grownup problems out of it - and work together with your husband/ex to give them everything they would have had, parent-wise, if you'd stayed together. That includes feeling safe and loved by both parents, even though they love the other parent.

Answer 8

First of all he needs to stop thinking about what he does and doesnt want and insulting you isn't getting him anywhere you guys need to try and make it work for the children and if he cant pay child support and you know this for a fact and hes not just pulling a fast one you need to stick with him for the children and maybe set down some ground rules and maybe he'll just miss you and he cant stand to live without you. Anyway the best bet is to stay with him for the children and if you truly can't stand it just remember the bad things that can happen for your children if he cant support them.

Brianna

Answer 9

First of all, why are you still in a house together when you have filed for divorce? No wonder there is so much animosity in your house. You two need to get separate residences. If he can't afford the house, let him sell it and split the proceeds with you. This isn't going to get better as you get closer to finalizing the divorce.

Answer 10

It seems to me that you have made a decision to insure that your kids are not messed up. Your husband is manipulating you. How does he know that you can't make it? Seek counseling your divorce could be the best thing for you both. Your husband sounds very shallow. If he can't have everything he won't be part time. Listen to your heart. You are someone, you can succeed, you can make it on your own. No person should have to have another person around to validate themself.

Answer 11

I don't think leaving will mess the kids up anymore than staying in a relationship that your not happy in. Financialy, it will be hard but people do it every day. He's putting a guilt trip on you by complaining about having to "live" at work. You need to think about what you want and need.