If my husband doesn't want to talk about a past emotional affair I found out about do you think there is more

Question

to the story and he doesn't want to say? Everytime I try and question him he keeps telling me he doesn't want to talk about it and just wants to start with a clean slate. I just want to know why it happened so it doesn't happen again but I am beginning to be suspiscious that there is more he is hiding am I being ridiculous?

I just want him to be truthful to me so we can have a good family and a good strong relationship, we have been together for 18 years with 3 kids.

Answer 1

Your entitled to know what happened, but maybe he feels if he talks about it you would feel worst than better. Not knowing is worst than knowing. He could be so ashamed about what he did that not saying anything about it relieves his mind about what he did. Maybe starting with a clean slate is good, but if you can't forgive him that will not work. You have to forgive, not to say forget about it. Maybe once you have learned to forgive you won't feel the need for details. When the trust is gone, it is hard to make a marriage work because your always looking for something. Do you think if you knew the details it would make it better for you?

Answer 2

An emotional affair is defined as expressing thoughts, ideas, deep feelings, emotions, or sharing experiences normally reserved for spouse with another person or persons. An emotional affairs differs from a physical affair in that it is not initiated for simple sex. Emotional affairs are often initiated when one spouse is not receiving emotional support from the other spouse and seek fulfillment from another person. Emotional affairs are often viewed as being as devastating to a relationship as an affair that involves only sex. However, some argue that emotional affairs are more devastating to relationships because even though many relationships can survive when one party is not being sexually fulfilled, most cannot survive when one of the parties are not having their emotional needs met.
So basically it is not important whether it leads to sex it is very damaging no matter what.
At thi point, the cheater needs to own up to things and the victim needs to b able to express what they are going through openly. Then the issue tha led to the affair can be addressed and both parties need to tak responsibility for the problems and how they will be fixed. Yes, marriage can survive infidelity and a happy marriage can be restore with patience, sincerity and effort. Some of the hurdles that will arise ar the victim’s inability to get over the deception, the adulterer’s inabilit to realize what they have done and how wrong it is or a general inabilit to address and fix the underlying problems

Answer 3

'Emotional Affair' isn't part of the 'male' vocabulary. The male definition of adultery is sexual intercourse with anyone but your spouse. Do you actually think ... if its not a sexual betrayal ... that he has any idea what happened to him?

Marriage to most of us (men) is an end-goal. That's when we're in the safety of a relationship and we get the relief of forgetting about everything we had to do in order to attract a spouse. Women see marriage as the beginning of an emotional journey.

A book that helped me a lot is referenced below. The author does a great job describing the 'railroad tracks' of married life: where the husband and wife move along together like the two rails of the same track ... that never connect. Left to ourselves, we men will go on like this forever.

After 18 years of the 'railroad tracks' he probably doesn't have the emotional language to explain what happened. All he knows is that he talked and listened too much; and the next thing he can remember is that thoughts of the other woman took over his life. Once he realized this, he probably withdrew to you; and now he's struggling with regrets of all sorts. Chances are, his feelings of regret (not his rational mind) are focussed on guilt over marrying you. But, he has no idea what's happening - so he blocks everything. He's disconnected from his emotions.

Helping him now involves some very 'motherly' safety and acceptance of his situation. Once he feels safe, he'll be able to let it all out.

Answer 4

Who gives two donkey sh*ts what *he* wants? You can't be the liar, the betrayer, the cheat, the sneak, the goddamned sonofabitch, and still demand a right to privacy. No, huh-uh. It doesn't work that way.

He has every obligation to tell you every single stinking detail about his affair. You get to ask as many questions as many times as you want and he has to answer them all. If he 'doesn't want to talk about it', then you 'don't want to be married to him any more.' I mean geezus come on. He is walking all over you (which is why he cheated on the first place - he has ZERO respect for you).

And there is no "emotional affair" with men - he was screwing her. Assume that to be true. Don't ask *if* he nailed her, ask *how many times* he nailed her.

He is hiding all the details - he was having sex with her - and his refusal to talk is a clear indication he thinks you are a worthless piece of sh*t he can continue to just take advantage of. I'd give him 15 seconds to start talking or I'd be on the phone to a divorce attorney. No kidding. His childish refusal is a mixture of disrespect and control freak and asshole all rolled into one. He better do a complete 180 and start a new life in 15 seconds or you should walk away. No endless second chances and whining - let your ACTIONS speak for you.

Answer 5

Let me give you a little input, most men who cheated or had an affair will never talk about what they did. They will say that their sorry for what they did,they will ask for second chance, then they will move on. And your husband is one of them, maybe the reason why he doesn't want to talk to you about it,is the guilt that he have. And your feeling is natural because the trust is not there anymore.
Men's ego is a bit different than ours, they will hide things and will not even talk about them. Why don't you sit him and tell him how you feel, ask him if he wants to move forward he needs to help you cope with it. Tell him that you want to trust him again and by doing this he needs to help you with it. Always remember "trust is not to be given but we all need to earn it!"

Answer 6

I agree with you that in order to put it all behind you, you need to know the whole story and why things happened. So long as he doesn't want to talk about it, it's as if he's keeping things from you. And these things will find a way of getting under your skin. It's best that you and he come clean, and discuss it all.

Answer 7

No of course not. You have the right to know and and to ask that of him. Tell him that you gave him a 2nd chance and if he really wants it then he better not screw it up by trying to hide things from you. I will not berate you for staying with this man but I could not do it so you must have some fighter in you.

Answer 8

He probably dont want to tell you because you will get upset again and he just want to move past it and forget about it. It is better not knowing because you might not like the answers (whether physical or not). You will always have more questions even if he answers them. I always did and it made me insecure about our relationship. I started questioning his love for me more than I did when he was cheating. The best thing for me was to not mention it if you really believe it wont happen again - bringing it up always causes problems.

Answer 9

Maybe he just doesn't want to share with you because its personal. Move on.

Answer 10

Of course he is ashamed of his behavior and doesn't want to talk about it...........why does this surprise you?