How can I help my wife realize she is about to make a major mistake?

Question

My wife and I are seperated. She has been talking to a man, who is Turkish and is 4 years younger then her? We have three young children together who are all with her. She wants a quick divorce so that she can merry this man who she claims she is in love with. He is here on a work visa which expires soon which is why she feels the need to rush. I am very concern as this guy sends all his money home to his family, is young and has already commented on her being too fat or big. My wife is slightly over weight, has three young kids already, terrible credit, no job at the moment and does suffer from depression. There are warning signs all over the place and she refuses to listen to me. I feel I need to do something as this is happening way too fast. I have heard the stories about how a lot of Turks use older women to simply get visas to stay in the US. In her state of mind I know there will be serious issues if he is just using her. She can not provide him with anything. What can I do?

Answer 1

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS!

Answer 2

Well, you still care, and thats great....but there isn't really anything you can do to help her avoid what you feel is a major mistake...except the fact that your still married, and she can't marry him until your divorced. So.....delay the divorce until long after his visa runs out. That'll put a kink in the young man's plans if thats what he's up too....

And...I'd be concerned about the three young children. If she isn't working, then how is she supporting these children, or are you doing that? Sounds to me, that she needs to get a job, and doctors appt to help with the depression.

But there is something you need to understand. Whatever nationality, he's younger than her. Which is an ego booster to her, which is something I'm sure she's been missing. Those blinders that she's wearing you won't be able to rip off, because he's making her feel like a young, wanted woman.

My advice to you is to quit talking to her about your concerns, you push...she goes against you. Quit pushing her...you know....use reverse psychology on her...lol Leave it alone....it maybe that she'll drop him......

Answer 3

George, your wife is in "love", and anything you say to her she's taking the wrong way. "you don't want me to be happy", "you don't understand", "your jealous that I have all ready found someone else." Does any of those sound faimilar. I bet they do.

She's not going to listen to you. She wants to marry this man, and honey, there's not a darn thing you can do, but there to pick up the peices. Maybe by some miracle this man does love her! It does sound fishy, and I would be worried too, especially since she has the children. You may have to seek custody of those babies. Then again, he may get his marriage license and leave her. If so she's going to be heart broken, and please please don't say "I told you so".

There's nothing that you can do, but make the ability to get the divorce harder than normal. Disagree with everything she says or wants. Make his Turk grit his teeth, and see if he's need this relationship for her or just a residency!

Praying that things will work out, and that you have the strength to deal with all these troubling things. Your wife doesn't know what a good man she's letting go. It's a shame!

God bless us all.................

Answer 4

oh boy... well i was in a similar situation my friend. My now ex-wife was running around with some jackass (he was american) and had her head in the clouds - not listening to anyone - especially me. We have two little girls together. At the time, she was a stay at home mom but the girls were in school so it was more like a stay at home, lay on your butt and just spend money as i was the one who got up early,, took the kids to school while she slept in until 9 or 10 each morning. My friend, your wife is in a fairytale world. If i were you, and i know this is tough to hear, i would seek custody of the children from her, have your attorney make her undergo a psychiatric exam and also make sure the courts know about this guy - Yes he is just going to use her to stay in the country.. just as the jackass my ex was running with was using her for food, sex and a place to stay since he didnt have one.

Almost two years later, my ex still cant stand on her own feet, constantly broke, depressed and still allowing the same jackass to mooch off of her. It's amazing to me that someone who is 38 years old can still be in denial of her situation and continue to blame others for her plight. I told her a few months ago that i had a solution for her.. first she needed to tell this idiot that he needs to help her with her rent, utilities and keep looking for a better job (she's very good at just settling for something - ie. also in relationships). I have explained to her several times in the past that she chose to leave me and therefore all she is entitled to is the court ordered child support and if she needs more financial help then she need to have her "man" (worthless bum) help her out. Of course she knows if she does that he will bail on her.

Sometimes people think they are in love and are actually just in a "school girl" goo-goo ga-ga mental state and wont listen to anyone or rationale.

I would seek custody, file for divorce before she does and let her fall on her face -- it's called tough love my friend,, but that is a sure fire way of her eventually "opening her eyes" - She may resent you for it but you are better off not having to deal with her crap.

Answer 5

Sorry buddy there is nothing that you can do now .I was in about the same place as you. After 20 years my wife left me for another man ( a so call x coworker friend ) now that the divorce is over he has told her that he will never get married that he loves single life and if she want to be friend ( with fringe benefits on the side) then OK but that is all it will ever be. I tried to talk to her before it was over but she would not talk to me for what she thought was love had blind her now she wants to talk and sorry I am moving on now.You do have kids and that a divorce is hard er on them than it is on you . Show your kids love and be there for them but as far as your life you will be blue in the face and still wont change her mine on what she wants to do .what she thinks is love has blinded her

Answer 6

You can talk as you may to her about her decision, but chances are she's already put you on her hardened heart list (a list where people put people who have wronged &/or hurt them. . . a list of people not to receive from & certainly not forgive). Your best bet is to kneal down before GOD & pray that her eyes be opened & for his mercy for yourself, her & the children. Then seek temp/perm custody of the kids to hopefully keep them from having to experience what lies ahead. This would allow her to go thru what she may, without endangering the children's emotional/physical welfare.
It is possible that you don't know the entire story of their relationship or even the gent involved.& hopefully it is not as though it seems; either way, do what's in the best interest of the innocent parties w/little to no say in the matter. Wifey is a grown woman who is accountable for her decisions/actions--with her, outside of prayer, you've no direct say. . . But as for the 3 tykes. . . U R always a daddy inspite the differences you & your wife may have.

Answer 7

It does sound like this guy is probably using her to get visas and you obviously still care about her it's great that you do but coming from you she just might think you're jealous, is there a trusted friend that could say something to her or are you the only one that sees it? Or maybe you could have one of those man to man talks with him you know what i mean!

Answer 8

This is something I would be worried about also, but you can't make her see she is making a mistake. So, now you need to protect your children. She will learn from her mistake, but it will be to late. She is not looking at the big picture of this because of her self-esteem, she is willing to take the first guy who pays her any attention. It doesn't matter whether it is Turkish guy. But if you try to convince her she is taking it to fast she will not listen, keep on good terms with her, so you can watch out of your children.

Answer 9

While she is not listening to you right now...tell her if she does pursue this man and marries that you will take her to court for custody. I also would delay the divorce and tell her that her irrational behavior is having you rethink whether she is fit to raise your kids.....I'd be mad too, this guy is only interested in getting his green card and will be living off of your child support to feed his ***? I think not.....stand your ground and you seem like a great ex! Very nice of you to still care about what is in your wifes best interest.

Answer 10

1st foremost i think you should get the kids from her so they don't have to go through any that might be damaging to them. If this guy is using your wife maybe you should take you time on the divorce so that maybe he'll get impatient and to some one else and then she'll see that he was using her. But protect your kids from him if he's already being negative towards your wife he just maybe being negative towards the kids, especially if he's young himself. As you may know he's probably sending for his family and invade in on your wife's home. This guy just may have a wife and kids in Turkey trying to get them over into the states. If she continues to be ignorant maybe you should worry for your kids.

Answer 11

Tell her you love her and want to try and work out your marriage. Maybee sugest that she let him go back home and if he still stays in touch with her then she knows it's for real instead of him using her. If you know any of her friends talk to them about the situation. Your wife will take the critisism from a friend a lot better than from you, she basiclly will think you're just trying to keep her from being happy. I would definatly try to go through a friend of hers.